Went 9 days SH free, then 12. Then 3 days cutting in a row, the most recent being about 5 minutes ago. I've gone back to carrying a blade inside my phone case wherever I go. Its like a security blanket. Walking into school the other day my leg starting bleeding, I could feel the warmth seeping down my leg. Ffs.

Every time I smile enough to expose my teeth I instantly get so self concious I start digging my fingers into my cuts. I hate me so much.

One of my lessons...

I haven't been on in a while. I won't come up with some pathetic excuse, I just haven't been on.

I've had enough. I've had enough of hiding scars. I haven't worn anything short sleeved since august. Lack of sleep. Lack of food. Too much caffeine just so I can function. Screwed up mock exams. Intrusive suicidal thoughts. I've just had enough of everything. I. I. I.

School annoys me. I don't get angry. Its just not me. Ever. But this one teacher came up in conversation...

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Couldn't even make fourteen days.

Found a razor in my room that I thought I had lost, and I couldn't just sort of throw it away. I put it in my pocket. Several hours later, see a hand towel with a red stain on it. Pull out razor, begin to cut.

I couldn't even make 2 weeks.

I just don't get some people.
There are these 2 people that get my bus sometimes. I hate them. One of them in the year below. The other one is in my year, and he self-harms. I'm honestly not being horrible or anything, but I'm 99% sure its for attention. He's the only person in my year who *openly* self-harms, but whenever he does he either wears short sleeved clothes, or rolls up long sleeves (always on arms), even when its freezing. He then goes on and on about it. Like, non stop.
...

Need to sleep before school tomorrow.
I've decided I'm going clean for 2 weeks. I really want to do it and I'll be so pleased if I do. I dont know how I'm going to feel after school though. If my mum goes to see my nan then I may go straight into town before home so I don't have access to anything to cut with.
Ah well...

Back home now
Just before coming home today, I threw my razor into the sea. It was strange watching it go. Now that I'm home I could always just get another, but at least I wasn't paranoid all day about dropping my phone, so the case would come off, and a razor would skid along the floor with a list of reasons reminding me why I shouldn't SH.
Back to school now on Monday. Mixed feelings about that. On the one hand, I'm still getting used to the feeling of being around people that...