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Breakdown. (Triggering)

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Posted November 19th 2012 at 10:45 AM by Ennui.

I had a mental breakdown last night.

I cut myself a little bit and really wanted to do it a lot more. I wanted to see the blood and do what I had to to release the anxiety and that heavy feeling on my heart. I only did a little bit but knew I had to refrain before I got myself into trouble with my parents.

So what do I do? I call a hotline. The self harm hotline was closed so I called the suicide hotline because well, I was in danger of cutting too much or too deep and getting myself into trouble one way or another.

The conversation basically was about how I couldn't see a therapist anymore due to insurance. The only advice she could give me? "Well, all I can say is to ask your parents in the morning to continue to look for a counselor for you."

Oh yeah, because that's going to help me RIGHT NOW. I need help RIGHT NOW, not tomorrow morning. Thanks SO fucking much.

Now, an ACTUAL thanks to those three or four people who were there for me last night. All of them were on TH, so if you read this, you know exactly who you are. I love you guys so much and if you ever need me to return the favor, don't hesitate.

As far as my staff duties go, I answered three requests today. I tried my hardest. But I really can't do it right now, at least not this morning. I'm sorry. I just can't trigger myself worse than I already am.

I'm sorry for being a failure.
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  1. Old Comment
    Everglow.'s Avatar
    Lovely, if you ever need to talk I'm just a message away, okay? I'm sorry the hotline didn't help but well done for calling it! Hopefully next time wont be so bad and you'll be able to find something to keep your mind off of things. You can do this, I believe in you. Keep fighting, okay? Don't worry about not answering that many requests today, 3 is still great! TH comes second; you come first. Remember that. Don't let staff duties make it worse on you, you need to put yourself first sometimes too.

    Don't let go, okay? It was a slip up, but you can overcome it and be stronger next time. <3
    Posted November 19th 2012 at 01:47 PM by Everglow. Everglow. is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Palmolive's Avatar
    You are far from a failure. You've done bloody well girl. So, you rang them which I know takes a hell of a lot of courage and strength and even then, it didn't help but you got through the night. YOU got through the night. And you can do this. Keep talking to the people you trust when you need them okay?

    Hang on in there. <3
    Posted November 19th 2012 at 02:30 PM by Palmolive Palmolive is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Thereishope's Avatar
    You are no means a failure. I'm extremely proud of how far you've come. Slipups happen, bumps in the road come. Just pick yourself up and keep moving forward. I'm glad I was able to help last night (even though I lost internet later so wasn't able to stay up all night as planned xD ) I'm always here (electronics willing) if you need to talk. :)
    Posted November 19th 2012 at 05:13 PM by Thereishope Thereishope is offline
  4. Old Comment
    Storyteller.'s Avatar
    You're not a failure, little Dezmaid. I'm sorry things are hard, and I'm sorry I wasn't there when you were going through that horrible time. But you can always shoot me a message on FB or a PM on here if the site's up, okay? I care about you and I want to help you. <3
    Posted November 21st 2012 at 10:14 AM by Storyteller. Storyteller. is offline
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