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I hate myself. (Triggering)

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Posted May 12th 2014 at 11:44 PM by Ennui.
Updated May 13th 2014 at 12:06 AM by Ennui.

I wonder what it takes to qualify as "unstable" or a danger to yourself. I don't even think I want to get better.

I hate when you make a decision then realize the decision is bad and then you feel like shit. I should have finished the AP exam because now I feel guilty and worthless and like a failure for walking out and I've cried so much over this that I'm so exhausted now. I was crying so hard I was gagging. But even if I stayed I would have felt bad. I wasn't understanding any of it and just bubbling random answers anyway. But apparently not finishing feels worse than not doing well on it.

I should have stayed and took it. And my sweet and adorable teacher was so forgiving since I had a separate test today and says it must have been too stressful to have both on the same day and now I feel like a disappointment and I let her down.

I've felt so unstable lately. Every little thing can make me cry and I've been cutting so much for no reason. I'm probably going to cut really soon today. I wish I could cut everywhere and cover my body in cuts and make myself look as crazy as I feel sometimes. Maybe I should.

I want to die. I don't know what's stopping me from trying.
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Total Comments 3


  1. Old Comment
    Pirouette's Avatar
    Hey Dez,

    I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. You are not a failure at all, okay? AP exams are tough and challenging which is the purpose of them. I'm positive your teacher doesn't think that you let her down. I'm guessing this AP exam is physics, right? It is one of the harder APs and I'm sure you put your best effort into it? Please don't hurt yourself over it. It's only a test, and hey, you may or may not need to take it in college. Try not to think so much about it, have some fun tonight and get rest. I hope you feel better and you are not a failure! <3
    Posted May 13th 2014 at 01:36 AM by Pirouette Pirouette is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Thereishope's Avatar
    Hey there Dezi! :hug:

    Rishy is right, you're not a failure by any means and don't beat yourself up over this test! Also sorry for not trying to get more info on this earlier when you briefly brought it up, and just because it was my birthday doesn't mean I couldn't have been there for you, I am always here to talk too, and please if I don't pick up on a clue, clue me in will ya :bleh: seriously though cheer up and remember things will always get better and don't make a mountain out of a mole hill...I could go on with so many cliche's but I won't >> Again, you know where I am when you need to talk! :hug: <3
    Posted May 13th 2014 at 06:18 AM by Thereishope Thereishope is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Green Yoshi's Avatar
    you are so awesome.... dont ever think of hurting yourself. Everyone can have problems doing exams... i know i did.

    But i also want you to know that you are so loved. You are not a failure. You won't be a failure. ever. Heck you're one of the best friends i''ll ever know come to me and i'll treat ya to cuwtes.
    Posted May 19th 2014 at 10:08 PM by Green Yoshi Green Yoshi is offline
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