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Not feeling any better (TW: SH, Suicide)

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Posted March 8th 2024 at 02:56 AM by Ennui.

I feel like shit.

I'm not feeling any better. I'm going to PHP/IOP every single day but it's all stuff I've heard from being there so many times and it's just not helping and nothing is helping and I don't feel any better.

I want to die still. I have a potential date range picked out if things go as planned, but maybe I'll feel better before then and I'll change my mind. There's always a chance, right? The visiting nurse took my suicide method away from me but I ordered more the very same day. So I am prepared for it, it's just a matter of doing it.

I have prescribed as-needed anxiety medication and there are times I take too much at once or mix the two types of medications together to make myself tired so I don't kill myself. I shouldn't have to sedate myself to not kill myself.

I'm self harming several times a week. Sometimes I do make an effort to not do it but most of the time I do it without even putting in any effort. One day I did hold my guinea pigs to feel better and it worked.

I'm still going to the gym multiple times a week and reading so it's not like I'm doing NOTHING for myself, I just don't feel fine.

I had more to say but I forgot what point I was going to make, so here y'all go.
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  1. Old Comment
    Arabesque- golfing girl.'s Avatar
    I'm so sorry Dez and hope that you will be okay soon. I'm always around to talk, just let me know. I hope you will be okay soon. Sending you lots of to help you to feel better soon.
    Posted March 9th 2024 at 12:38 PM by Arabesque- golfing girl. Arabesque- golfing girl. is offline
  2. Old Comment
    NeuroBeautiful's Avatar
    Hi Dez, I'm so sorry that life is so hard for you that you'd rather not exist. I know what that feels like and I feel sad that you experience this. You deserve to be happy. No not just not sedating yourself but like actually happy.

    I keep circling back to the autism vs bpd question from several weeks ago and I said I wanted to reply but was going through my own stuff but I cant help but think that maybe knowing and accepting yourself as autistic could actually alleviate some of this distress?! like I know it is very common for late identified autistic to have depression and anxiety and even some bpd traits because bpd=trauma a lot of the time. And I just want to say that I had a feeling you may be autistic before you made a thread. As I was discovering about myself I for some reason thought of you as you may having it also. I hope that's not an offensive thing to say. I just have enough probability to say so. And I haven't even met you to know your social communication style or challenges but I just gathered other kinds of data including prolonged depression and anxiety and some other things that show you have a certain profile. Anyway I'm happy to discuss this more if it means that you might Jumpstart a journey into self-acceptance. In my experience someone with bpd has at least one other condition like c-ptsd, adhd, autism or bipolar etc and bpd is another later. Bpd has roots in biopsocial which means biologically may be wired to be more sensitive such as having a genetic predisposition or having the trait of being highly sensitive or having another condition like autism, adhd or intergenerational trauma. It can also be developed through interpersonal stress from trauma, childhood trauma, disability, being from a marginalized group that makes it harder to access supports and resources etc that makes emotional regulation challenging on a nervous system level and socially more sensitive ie: microagressions or invaludations that do not affect non-autistic folks so of course they wouldn't care as much

    So you can peobably see how some of the healing around autism can help emotionally? I mean I'm not sure your personal take on it but I wonder if you would self-identify with the autism diagnosis or you thought no way? I have come to realize that I do have bpd traits like but when a professional tries to get to know a person they'd realize that bpd comes from somewhere. It isn't strictly biological and isn't strictly social environment. Whereas autism is something a person is born with and it can be revealed or identified later on but it was always there.

    I hope you know that you are loved regardless of your diagnosis. At the same time, some people do feel that going through the trouble of getting an accurate diagnosis would be beneficial. For one thing, there are accommodations that you can get at work at a future job. There are supports you can put in place that look different than the bpd things. BPD treatment is a mental health based but autism is a much broader scope. There are employment supports, there is daily living supports, there is executive functioning skill training or accommodations around energy. Bpd and autism can certainly coexist and both include similar traits but the treatments are different. BPD can be healed and managed. Autism is how your brain is wired. Both are neurodivergencies. Bpd is developed with stress over time when someone has trouble coping and their brain develops maladaptive coping methods. Both deserve compassion.

    Many people don't understand autistic adults who are late identified because they went so long without being identified which means they're high masking which means many times there is an absence of intellectual disability and even higher than average intelligence which makes people angry and confused like why can't this person read social cues if this person is so smart? So thrn people start blaming the autistic person and labeling them qll sorts of names like non compliant, defiant, resistant, "doing it on purpose", causing problems/trouble, lazy, not trying, doesn't feel like doing it etc And thrn those people eho get angry think they should lecture the autistic person like "Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do, that's life" and "the world doesn't revolve around you, not everything can be changed to your liking" and "in life things will be disappointing, you can't expect to control others' behaviors, you can only change your own". And other generic deprived of compassion kind of advices. Or just pushing you to do things in a way that doesn't feel comfortable or criticizing you. Just talking about this makes me remember tons. So I guess I just want to bring this up because ableism and invalidation and lack of attunement is real and so painful and I know that feeling weird and like an alien i was more suicidal but the reminder that I'm human who has differences helps. It doesn't take it all away but it allows me to have hope
    Posted March 18th 2024 at 07:35 PM by NeuroBeautiful NeuroBeautiful is offline
    Updated March 18th 2024 at 08:07 PM by NeuroBeautiful
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