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Uncategorized Entries with no category
Old

I lied (TW: SH/Suicide)

Posted October 29th 2022 at 11:56 PM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I am in IOP and the clinician made me throw out my self harm tools and my means of suicide into the trash outside while on camera. There was no way of lying to her and saying that I did it when I really didn't since it was all done on camera.

But, I did lie to her though. I have other self harm tools I can use, just not the preferred ones. I also have other means of suicide I can use that I didn't throw away. I'm not going to tell her I lied.

I need the safety net...
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Living the dream.
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 137 Comments 1 Ennui. is offline
         
Old

Still suicidal.TW: Suicide, self harm

Posted October 12th 2022 at 02:11 AM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I am struggling so badly right now.

My anxiety is through the roof most of the time and I'm having a hard time sitting still. My stomach feels funny and I keep getting a strange feeling in my head. I'm having a hard time sleeping. My chest feels heavy and I'm depressed on top of the anxiety to the point where my motivation to do anything is gone. I still haven't cleaned the guinea pig cage and it's been over a week. I am having a hard time functioning at work and passed some cases...
Ennui.'s Avatar
Living the dream.
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 178 Comments 0 Ennui. is offline
Old

3 weeks in the psych ward (TW: Suicide, self harm)

Posted October 7th 2022 at 09:26 PM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated October 7th 2022 at 10:02 PM by Ennui.

9/16/22 - Well, I ended up in the hospital again. As a lot of you probably know, I had been feeling suicidal for a few weeks now. I didn't attempt, but I mentioned to my therapist how I had a job interview and it made me feel more suicidal. She knew I had the means to go through with it and called for the city to do a wellness check on me. I tried convincing her not to by saying how I would be good for another week at least and had plans for the weekend that would keep me alive but she called anyway....
Ennui.'s Avatar
Living the dream.
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 182 Comments 1 Ennui. is offline
Old

Suicidal (TW: Suicide, self harm, substances)

Posted September 8th 2022 at 09:29 PM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated September 9th 2022 at 01:08 AM by Ennui.

I got my suicide method of choice back from my parents. I told them I was ready to have it back and took it back from them. I am hanging on by a thread but I am trying to hold out until at least the date I picked. My therapist and APRN told me to give the suicide method back to my parents but I'm unwilling to do that.

I almost got myself hospitalized by admitting to my APRN how suicidal I am. She said she thinks it would be reasonable for me to go to the hospital and I said I don't...
Ennui.'s Avatar
Living the dream.
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 211 Comments 3 Ennui. is offline
Old

My job is ending earlier than expected. (TW: Suicide)

Posted September 2nd 2022 at 06:56 PM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I thought my job was ending in December but it's really ending between November 15-17th. I thought I had more time.

I'm panicking because that means I'll have to apply for jobs and I'll never find one with this good of a boss and this much flexibility to make my own schedule, AND one where I make this good of money. My therapist said I'd be good for a part-time job but I'm going to have to go full-time if I want to make enough to pay the bills. I don't know if I'll be able to cope...
Ennui.'s Avatar
Living the dream.
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 212 Comments 2 Ennui. is offline
Old

Feeling dread (suicide and death/grieving trigger)

Posted July 22nd 2022 at 11:08 PM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)
Updated July 23rd 2022 at 01:46 AM by Ennui.

I am dreading the day that this job ends at the end of December and I have to work full time. I have so many doctor's appointments and mental health issues that I don't know how I'll cope without a job that is so flexible that I am able to fit everything in. My job gets overwhelming a lot but it is part time, and my therapist thinks I'd be good with a PART TIME job, but I'll have to look into full time to pay the bills. That's where it gets scary.

I dread losing Medicaid and having...
Ennui.'s Avatar
Living the dream.
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 344 Comments 1 Ennui. is offline
Old

Was in the hospital. (brief mention of suicide)

Posted July 10th 2022 at 08:45 PM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I had been in pain with abdominal cramping for a few days that radiated to my back and the middle of my stomach, and it was getting progressively worse by the day. I'd be okay during the day but then at night I'd be in a lot of pain to the point it kept me up for at least two days straight.

I finally gave in and asked my dad to take me to the ER at about 10:30 on Thursday night. I waited in the lobby for a few hours but it wasn't horrible minus the fact I was in so much pain I couldn't...
Ennui.'s Avatar
Living the dream.
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 197 Comments 1 Ennui. is offline
Old

Invalidated. TW: Suicide, self harm, some language

Posted June 10th 2022 at 01:45 AM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

My prescriber says she doesn't think I'm suicidal but instead thinks that I "just want the shit to stop." That's even though I have a plan in my head, because I don't have intent. But some days I feel close to it again, because I really have that plan in my head and worry that I am going to use the things I did last time and try again. She also doesn't believe I'm suicidal because I pretty much got help right after the attempt last time, because I was like "oh crap." She thinks...
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Living the dream.
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 297 Comments 1 Ennui. is offline
Old

Disability 2 (mentions of suicide/self harm)

Posted May 25th 2022 at 08:44 PM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I had my meeting today to try and get on disability and basically I make too much money right now to even qualify for disability. They immediately told me that my denial letter will be coming in the mail. The point of going on disability would have been so I can leave my job so I can have income without wanting to have a breakdown every time I go to work. I mean, I tried to kill myself and a lot of it was triggered by work. But I make too much money to be disabled. It'd almost be easier to quit...
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Living the dream.
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 353 Comments 3 Ennui. is offline
Old

Disability (Mention of suicide)

Posted May 14th 2022 at 02:08 AM by Ennui. (Rantings of a Mermaid Princess)

I am more stable now than when I was in the hospital which is good, but I still feel sad and anxious a lot of the time. My prescriber mentioned the words "treatment resistant" to me and sometimes I worry that that's the case. I have been in therapy off and on since the 8th grade and have been on medication for around 6 or 7 years and am still miserable a lot of the time.

I have a post up about work and the possibility of applying for disability. Even if I do end up applying...
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Living the dream.
Posted in Uncategorized
Views 265 Comments 3 Ennui. is offline
 
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