I've submitted my helplink application. Now I just have to keep my fingers crossed..

Swam in the sea today. It gave me earache. u_u

Going out for a meal now. I am in such a panic. What will I eat? I hate eating out.

Ugh. I'm lonely. I want to go home. I still have two weeks to survive.

I want to eat a biscuit. Stop guilting me into not eating it. I'm trying to get away from these feelings and you're not helping.

I think I hate travelling by car. And I hate getting food at service stations. And I hate the fact that J is still asleep.

But I now have Live Help access! Cue little happy party dance. I'm considering applying to switch from buddy to Helplink mentor when I get back from my holiday but I don't know if I can face filling in the application.

Ugh.
So tired.
And my head is killing.
J is coming over soon.
At least I hope he is.
He should already be here.
Where is he?

My mum wants to talk to me. I'm scared. I don't know what to say. But I want help. I really want help.

But I've eaten something. I've been good today. I'd eaten too little so I decided to raise my calorie goal and eat a snack. So perhaps I can stop falling into an ED by myself? I hope so, because it had been getting worse.

I feel sick and shaky.

The pills are still there. Most of them, anyway.

I don't know what to do with myself.

Exercise until I collapse.

I should eat more.

But I don't want to.

I'm hungry. But I'm fighting it. Why am I fighting it?

Why does it feel like life is my enemy, like I'm my enemy?

Why does it feel like it's not worth it?

Why do I just want it to be over?...

I've taken four. I have ten left. What now? Do I have the guts?

I want to take them. I want to die. Christ, why won't these feelings stop? Why is it that as soon as I'm on my own I'm a wreck. I want to cut. But I promised him I wouldn't. I promised him I wouldn't overdose either. Who cares about freaking promises. Make this stop. Please, someone make this stop.

I'm talking to a friend over msn, who says they're feeling depressed because of their ex. I'm finding it really hard to help, because although I love them, and I understand they feel bad, it hurts that they don't know how I've been feeling. It hurts that people don't know, and if they see me crying or angry or something, they think I'm weird or over reacting to something or just attention seeking. I hate keeping everything hidden.