There's no holding back. I've been sitting in my room for a couple of hours, trying to distract myself. It's not working. I'm going to binge. God, I'm disgusting. Maybe I'll still be able to stop myself. Maybe it won't happen. Maybe I won't have the opportunity. But that's unlikely. Fat fat fat fat fat fat fat. That's all I am. Just fat and useless.

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I can't keep going. I can't. It's either overdosing or cutting or starving. I think I'll go with starving this time. It's the only thing on my mind. I can't put it off any longer.

There's no one to talk to about it. And I don't mean people on here. You're all lovely. Supportive. Wonderful. But I just want someone to hug me and tell me things are ok. I want someone to tell me I'm beautiful. But someone who knows me, who has seen me, who has talked to me. But they wouldn't, because...

Not pregnant!
Well, I have another test to take when I get back from my trip, just in case I messed up the dates and it was too early for the test. But I'm pretty sure I haven't.

Gonna be at the air port at 5am tomorrow morning. I'm so scared. I'm kind of excited. But I'm more scared. Because he'll be there and I thought maybe we could be civil or even friendly just for the trip but now I know that he actually hates me. :s

I'm going to miss my guinea pig....

I'm really scared. I have this stupid fear that I'm pregnant. I'm on the pill. I've been taking it correctly. I'm pretty sure that I've waited the right amount of time. I'm so scared though. I need to get a test, to put my mind at rest. Because if I am then I'm screwed. He's left me. I can't do it on my own. But I can't be. But I'm so scared that I am. :s I'm probably making it up, aren't I? I can't feel pregnant yet? I shouldn't be able to tell yet unless I use a test. I'm being stupid. But I'm...

Sometimes I feel so much freer. It's only been a few days but my mood has lifted incredibly, I've been spending more time with my friends, I've been reading more, I've had a couple of ideas for stories that I want to write, I've been enjoying my classes more... It can't just be a coincidence....

But other times I feel so guilty. It's my fault everything went wrong. I should still be with him. I should be changing myself, trying to fix things, trying to make him happy.
...

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