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Broken and Defeated (Trig)
Posted July 22nd 2012 at 09:30 PM by Evanesco
I can't keep going. I can't. It's either overdosing or cutting or starving. I think I'll go with starving this time. It's the only thing on my mind. I can't put it off any longer.
There's no one to talk to about it. And I don't mean people on here. You're all lovely. Supportive. Wonderful. But I just want someone to hug me and tell me things are ok. I want someone to tell me I'm beautiful. But someone who knows me, who has seen me, who has talked to me. But they wouldn't, because I'm not.
I want to lose weight again. I want to be in control. I don't want to keep binging and cutting and losing control and crying and hurting. I want to starve so that I don't feel anything. I want that back. I was so close to underweight. I was so close. I just wanted to disappear.
And then I tried to get better. I don't want to get better. I'm sick of fighting. It was easier not getting better. It was easier being sick, not eating, not hurting, just existing. That was easier.
I feel worthless.
I'm scared.
I don't want to feel anything any more.
There's no one to talk to about it. And I don't mean people on here. You're all lovely. Supportive. Wonderful. But I just want someone to hug me and tell me things are ok. I want someone to tell me I'm beautiful. But someone who knows me, who has seen me, who has talked to me. But they wouldn't, because I'm not.
I want to lose weight again. I want to be in control. I don't want to keep binging and cutting and losing control and crying and hurting. I want to starve so that I don't feel anything. I want that back. I was so close to underweight. I was so close. I just wanted to disappear.
And then I tried to get better. I don't want to get better. I'm sick of fighting. It was easier not getting better. It was easier being sick, not eating, not hurting, just existing. That was easier.
I feel worthless.
I'm scared.
I don't want to feel anything any more.
Total Comments 1
Comments
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Hester,
I know how you feel. I feel the same way. Not having that sweet control again, feeling the emptyness of starvation..the feeling of superiority. I know.
I know you feel really alone right now because there's not a physical person who understands you, not somebody to hug you when your down like this.
I know sometimes TH just isn't enough to get you through a tough day.
Starving might be easier, but it's not better. You know that sweetie. It's just the eating disorder talking. Getting through the feelings of everyday, of food, of regular emotions is part of recovery.
Please try and stay strong. <3
Your worth so much more than giving in to that fucking eating disorder & other self-destructive habits (cutting, overdosing, etc).
You can beat this, all of this. I know you can.
PM me if you need to talk, yeah?
~paulaPosted July 23rd 2012 at 12:32 AM by escape♥
