I don't know what to think right now.

I don't know how to act.

I don't know what to do.

I'm considering dropping a load of the things I've said I'd do, loads of the writing. And then sitting down and completing the other stuff, so that it's done.

But that takes so much effort.

I just want to sleep.

Baby sitting is cancelled. So I'm going to my sister's singing thing and I don't earn any money.

The cuts are healing, perhaps in time for prom on Tuesday, although I doubt it. Well, they're healed enough to cover them with concealer now.

I've got a new pair of shoes. First pair of shoes I can honestly say I've fallen in love with.

I've done nothing today. Well, I've answered some threads on here, welcomed a couple of people, posted some VMs. But no real...

Ugh, I just feel fat.

I wish I didn't have them all watching over me.

Eat this, eat that.

Don't eat this, don't eat that.

Lose more. Be perfect. Hurry up. Too slow.

Too fast. Not possible. Scales wrong.

You're perfect.

You look pregnant.

Change.

Don't change.

I've only been a buddy for half a day, less than that even. But I love it! Seriously, this is something to live for, even if nothing else is good.

I love greeting people, leaving VMs, answering unanswered posts. I did most of this anyway, but now I feel more... entitled to? And I love it. I've even spent some time in Chat.

*Grins*

I've just applied to be a buddy.
I hope I get the position.
I tried really hard on that form.

I don't want to go to the school prom. That might sound like the least of my worries right now, but the cuts on my arm and shoulder will show, which will spoil the night for my boyfriend, and everyone will think I'm just attention seeking.

I wanted to take a load of pills. Overdose on something. I don't know why. Just so something can happen, I guess. Instead of constantly feeling like I'm suspended between emotions. Then if I die, no more feeling trapped. And if I live, then someone...

I cut the other night. Sitting in the bath, watching the blood run down my arm and mix with the water. It was hypnotising, but the water was red by the time I got out.

He hated that I'd done it. Tried to make me promise I'd never do it again. But I don't know. It would be nice not to have to, but when I get to that stage where my body feels like it's tearing itself apart from the inside, I just don't know what else to do.

Why won't it all just stop? Why do I have to feel so trapped and empty? Why can't someone help me? Why do I keep breaking down? Why am I sometimes fine and then sometimes rock bottom? Why do I want to kill myself? Do I have anything to live for? Will it always be like this? I want to cry again. I think I'm going to cry again. But I've cried so much today the tears won't come. I'm scared for tomorrow. I don't want to go out with that group. I'm scared they'll all hate me. I'm scared they won't talk...

I want to talk to Pete. He was nice and he listened to me.

I've been stranded again just as all the shit comes pouring back on me.

It's not fair. I feel stupid and selfish saying that but it's not fair that when I was seeing him I was fine and as soon as I stop I want to die.

But I've finished school. So I don't get to see him. And I don't know what to do.