I'm sorry about how worried I am about myself, how often I have thought about ODing or jumping. God, I get nervous with how deep I want to go when I cut, and how deep I WOULD go if my parents wouldn't catch me.
What sucks is I'm scared of how much of this I'll actually go through when I'm 18 but it scares me just to have those thoughts. Hopefully my therapy will take care of this before I hit 18.

And now on to the sappy shit. Only one person will actually know what I'm talking...

I was at the mall with my friend today (who will probably end up seeing this) and we were standing outside in between the parking garage and JC Penney's. We somehow got on the topic of falling off of the height, and I couldn't help but wonder if it would kill you. I always stared at the ground, slightly scared of heights, but at the same time I have thought of jumping off of the top level of the parking garage or other height at the mall, but I don't know if it would kill me or just leave me paralyzed...

I went to my therapist appointment and she wants me to see a psychiatrist. If I see a psychiatrist, my mom would only want me to see her once because we can't afford to see both a therapist and psychiatrist, and my mom still thinks nothing's wrong with me.
I'd be seeing the psychiatrist for self harm and a possible diagnosis of depression. My mom is a shitty listener and didn't hear the depression part until I told her, and my mom pretty much got pissed off and said that I really must be...

I just found out...
I didn't want to believe it at first, hoped that I was just jumping to conclusions since it was so late when I was told.
Rest in peace my friend <3

Oh God, I went back on your profile to see what our last conversation was about. It took place on November 6th and 7th, 2011. The last time I ever talked to you. You were trying to get me to go into the chat room but I didn't have the time.
I'm so fucking sorry for not going into chat that day, for...

I had my physical today.

My blood pressure is high. This could be because of my birth control. I'm scared that I'll have to stop taking it. It was working so well on my periods already, I don't want to go back to not using any. =/

They also tested my hearing and it wasn't as good as it should be. I may have a problem hearing with my right ear.

Both of these things mean I have to go back to the doctor in a month. Now I can't help but be worried.

...