I go for a prom dress at the first week of April.
I want to wear a short dress. I'm NOT letting my scars stop me from that, unless of course I fall in love with a long dress.
I'm buying my first pair of shorts since elementary school this summer if I find a pair that looks good on me. I'm NOT Letting my scars stop me. Self image maybe.
But I just cut again. My one last hoorah before my mom sees my thighs and I can't anymore. I'll tell her that they're from before I sent her...

Okay so I am 100% exhausted and look and feel like hell. So this blog may or may not make sense and it may or may not be long.

As some of you may or may not be aware I told my mom about everything that is going on in my life and it felt as if she brushed off the suicidal thoughts. I told her that I don't feel like I'll be living much past graduation and she brushed it off as just thoughts. Little does she know that I have pills.

The cutting has gotten worse and I'm...

Warning ahead of time: I do not mean to insult smokers here.

I find the fact my mom's trying to take away cutting but yet I'm still secretly doing it funny, in a way.

Both of us are liars. Both my mom and I are liars.

I think her lies are worse.

She smokes. After my dad got cancer in 4th grade she said she would be completely honest with me and that they'd quit. I don't know if my dad fully quit or not and honestly I'm not angry with him...

I told my mom today about the suicidal thoughts and the self harm. She thinks it's all because of the fact that I'm unsure if I want to be a doctor or not and that it's okay if I don't want to be a doctor, and hell, I can be a garbageman if that's what I want. But I don't know what I want. She brushed off the fact that I told her in the letter that I don't want to live past eighteen as just thoughts. Didn't really take it seriously. But at least now I can tell J that.

She saw a cut...

I don't know anymore.

I go from so motivated to tell my parents everything and even going so far as to type a letter and have HelpLINK review it for me to tell me how it sounds to completely chickening out and not being able to give it to them. Sorry for wasting your time.

I don't see myself in the future anymore. I don't see myself doing my dream job because it'll be too hard and I'll fail. College seems stressful. I don't see myself getting married or having kids....