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Out or In? The Closet and Ignorant Friends? (Slight Swearing)

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Posted August 19th 2012 at 02:43 AM by George^^

I hate the closet, but I also pretty much hate being out to people who actually kind of disrespect me without even freaking realizing it. I recognize that it's hard, but common, most of it takes just a little brain power!

I hate being in the closet because it's like lying about who I am constantly. I'm being someone that I actually am not and has not existed for the longest time. I want to be able to use my rightful pronouns and the right clothing, the right bathroom, all sorts of things. Most of all I want to feel like my parent's son more often. This summer there were a few times when we were out that I felt like instead of being my mother's daughter, I felt like her son. That was one of the greatest feelings that I had this summer.

The second thing, I'm out to not that many people, and right now I'm talking about my best friend (A) and my other really close friend (K) (Also, as Draco Malfoy, my husband or lover or something...- Pretend, of course.- They're Harry Potter)

I mean, K is pretty good, I just don't appreciate being asked how I'll have sex or how I'll have sex with my partner, because I don't ask her those questions so I kind of feel intruded upon, and she doesn't ask those questions to other people. I mean, sometimes I don't mind it, but at the same time it bothers me. Yes, we can talk about sex if we all want to, but blatantly asking me is kind of rude. There are some questions that are appropriate to ask, and there are some that aren't.

With A it's kind of harder. I'm either going to be moving forward with her acceptance or backwards. She's calling me a "he" everywhere. In front of anyone. I don't mind being called a "he", because I am a "he", but it is pretty damn stupid of her to do that to me. Why? Because first off, I have the right to have the correct pronoun use with me, but I also have the right to only have it used when it's safe to use it. At the moment I'm in the closet, so it's obvious that most people think I'm a female, so she's pretty much pushing me out of the closet with that one. I'm not ready and all, so I get annoyed, and I can't tell her to stop because then she'll get confused and tell me yet again, how confusing my gender identity and demands are. When honestly, those demands are my rights.

Then there is the fact that because I am an female-to-male and have long hair- I like my hair, and I have not found a shorter hair cut that I want. I'm now told by A that I'm "rocking the Jesus look", not only do I not like her saying that to me (which I've said. Several times.) It's also kind of, in her own way, referring to the fact that because I was born a female and identify as male, that I cannot have long hair. She has never, ever, at least not in my presence or anything, said that to my father or her own father, who both have long hair. She has never said that to or about Jonah, the little boy that I babysit who has long hair. - Maybe I'm over reacting or over thinking, but if I've said I do not like being told that or referred to in that manner and she hasn't stopped.
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