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Worthless (slight swearing)

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Posted August 19th 2012 at 11:01 PM by George^^

I kind of wished I never existed. I don't know how to function. I don't know anything. I've been told that I'm kind, that I'm mature, that I'm smart, that I know what's good for me. I don't. I don't know anything. I just do what feels fitting and live with it. I've been told I'm brave. I'm not.

Why do people exist if they're nothing? I'm nothing in every sense of the word. People make it seem like I'm something important but I'm not. It feels like I pretend almost all of the time, and the only time I really believe what I'm pretending is when I'm in front of people. It's like suddenly I am those things because they believe I am and once they're gone I slowly fall apart again. I'm weak.

I'm weak because little things set me off. I'm weak because I could be reaching out to someone, wanting them to help me and if they move onto their problems or say something like I need to stay for them, I'll freak. I'll break apart and I'll be a million emotions a minute. I can't handle that because I feel like it's selfish. I've spent years of my life pushing myself away for people who couldn't give to shits about me. People who supposedly are suppose to matter to me and I'm suppose to matter to. Like my ex-best friend, I was so close to killing myself, and the last time I talked to her, she talked about how much shit she was going through. I was going through a terrible time and I would have been nice to her and care for her if she hadn't been such an asshole.- My current best friend does the same thing. She always has. I just can't handle that.

And then there is my mom. How do you live if your mother, the woman who is suppose to love you because she's your mother, be someone who sets you off? - She's scary. She's mean. I've heard others say that too. She's not abusive or anything, it's just... I feel like I'll never be perfect enough for her, or that I disappoint her all the time because I'm a worthless person. Like yesterday I freaked because my mom treats my brother better than she treats me. While she said everyone will be eating healthier because I got diagnosed with diabetes, she doesn't force him to eat his veggies. She also can be mean with her words. Today JJ hid what he was eating from her and she came into my room and started telling me not to tell my brother to lie, and I was like "WTF? I didn't even know he was eating." and she kept going at me and going at me and I was just... God. Then JJ fell when he was walking around to the other side of the car (tripped by the dog) and started crying like a baby. All he did was get dirty and a scrape. I bump my head really really hard on the door thing getting in the car, like, really, really, really hard, and I'm about to cry, and my mom's like "relax, I get hurt too", and I'm like "What? Are you shitting me? You let JJ cry like a baby and asked him if he's alright. I hit my head hard and your telling me to calm down?"

I'm sorry about writing this. It's just... I don't know what else to do and I don't want to hurt myself anymore.
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