My mum has just forced me to eat 4 roast patatoes, 1 and a half handfuls of runner beans, 7 small carots, 1 yorkshire pudding and half a plate full of beef plus a big portion of pudding. She said if I didn't eat it I wouldn't be able to go to the sleepover which my closest mates are going to.

I hate her why has she black mailed me. I know I haven't eaten much this week but I was eating enough and now I feel sick and can't eat alot at the sleepover because if I do eat alot at the sleepover...

So im happy bout this as 4 of my friends and I will have a chance to catch up and it will take my mind off the non stop urges to SH.

Im worried bout this as it means I cant skip/ eat little which I have begun to do again

LIZ

p.s I dont know what to wear as it is all in the wash afater being worn on holiday.

Got back at 12am
holiday was alright
Ive been SH free for 10 days and hopefully counting.

OK so im going on holiday on friday and im not looking forward to it cause it means I cant have time on my own and I wont be able to escape and walk/ cycle in the fresh air.
Also my parents and sister think ive been SH free for 4 months when I last cut yesterday. This means that they think that im happy and over my depression which is an utter lie.

The only reason why im going is because we will be doing alot of massive walks so I will be able to loose wieght as ive balloned...

After managing 1 hours sleep I went on the bike ride and completed it stopping of for lunch at a pub.

Whast peddling I released everthing that was bugging and triggering me.

It felt so good.

When I got home though I realised I had bad sunburn at the top of both arms this has made my scars there show up badly making me self conscience.
Also I was exhausted and feel asleep watching TV which got mum worried.

I enjoyed the bike ride but...

Ok so Ive been trying to get to sleep since 10:30pm it is now 6:09am and I havent slept a wink.

The reason for this is because I have been trying to and suceeded making it to 25 days of SH freedom.

During those hours I have read tried to sleep come on this site work through probs and distract myslef tried to sleep. Listioned to some carming music tried to sleep come back on here try to sleep. Well you get the picture.

The problem with this is that at 8:00am...

Ok so this summer hols ive got eating back on track and excercised in moderation. In doing so gained half stone.
I havent cut for 24 days.
Ive been going out the house with my family
Ive been texting friends.

But inside nothing has improved I hate how fat and ugly I look.
The urges to cut are so big and occur everynight its getting harder and harder to beat them.
Im putting a smile on my face which is fake.

This isn't right my doctor friends...

OK so yesterday I only had a 1/4 bottle of water. No calories and I walked into town from school from there I walked home. In total I walked 5 miles.
On top of that at one in the morning I was doing sit ups and press ups etc until 3 in the moring.
In total I burned off XXX calories.
Im a stupid fat bastard im paying the price for it today as everytime I stand up I sway in dizziness.

S I havent been online as much and ive missed so much.
I nearly left but i couldnt bring myself to as all of u have helped me and I want to help others.

So ive been very up and down.
My appitite comes and goes.
SH is getting worse and im doing it more and more often.
I have been suicidal.
School are sticking there noses again.
And im falling, just falling, falling away.