Why? Was I not worth it? Was I just something to be used? Did my childhood mean nothing to anyone? Why didn’t I get a childhood? I don’t even know what it would have looked like. I never had anything like it, so how can I even imagine? What was wrong with me? If they didn’t want children, why did they even try? They brought me into this world to be used, abused and abandoned. All these old stories that they think are meaningless or amusing; to me they’re signs that they should have seen, but missed....

This "special" home sucks. I have to share one small room with 3 other guys. And it smells like shit. Theres 4 other kids here:
-Shane
-Gordan
-Liam
-Delaney
Today was the worst day of my life. I don't even want to thing about Jamie's reaction when I said Bye

My phone decided to break last night. I've spent the past 3 hours or so trying to fix it.
I was up till 3am last night trying to make it work. I'm currently using my sim card in my brother's old phone so I can at least have contact with the outside world since I'm usually texting 24/7 anyway. I'm trying to unlock my old phone so it'll take my current simcard. (why do Vodafone have to be so bitchy and refuse to let my lovely, unlimited texts-filled, Orange sim work in the phone?!)
I...

Ugh.
So tired.
And my head is killing.
J is coming over soon.
At least I hope he is.
He should already be here.
Where is he?

Alright, I'm going to the "special" home tomorrow. I am litteraly bawling my eyes out, How am I supposed to say goodbye to Jamie, That kid is my brother. I can't just leave him.
And I am so fucking tired of people telling me that their there for me and when I need them their no where to be found.
Its not worth it anymore.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZpUYjpKg9KY&ob=av2e

Freaking out now. Don't want wednesday. Really can't handle it. So scared. Don't think i can go anymore. Won't admit the truth anyway. Don't want to talk about stupid suicide attempts, selfharm, overdosing, urges, thoughts, starvation, purging, the past. Maybe i should just cancel. Don't want to do this on my own but i don't want anyone knowing.
Just let me go?

Feel awful right now. Falling apart and i don't know how much longer i can keep it together anymore. I'm so tired of fighting this. Just think it would be better if i was to dissapear.

My mum wants to talk to me. I'm scared. I don't know what to say. But I want help. I really want help.

But I've eaten something. I've been good today. I'd eaten too little so I decided to raise my calorie goal and eat a snack. So perhaps I can stop falling into an ED by myself? I hope so, because it had been getting worse.

Yeah i'm just going to smile, pretend it's all okay. I'm going to say i'm fine but I really just want you to notice i'm not okay. To hug me and tell me it's all going to be fine, to not hurt me anymore for everything I do... when you tell me you love me and won't ever hurt me I want you to mean it forever, not just until the next time you get drunk and I upset you.
I don't want you to hit me anymore and call me stupid when I cry... I want you to hold my hand and kiss my forehead and say you'll...