I think I hate travelling by car. And I hate getting food at service stations. And I hate the fact that J is still asleep.

But I now have Live Help access! Cue little happy party dance. I'm considering applying to switch from buddy to Helplink mentor when I get back from my holiday but I don't know if I can face filling in the application.

Soooooooo I had my interview for Interactive Media (Web Design) today.

And guess what happened?

She offered me an unconditional acceptance! So if I want to get in, all I have to do is reply to the letter they're sending me to accept the place and I start on August 22nd

Hell freaking yes!

I've been panicking about this for ages.

I can’t organise it, it’s a mess. There’s just so much. I don’t know where to start.
I want to go back to those times and tell myself what I know now. I want to talk to the girl who called the kids help line, said sorry, hung up, and then screamed in agony for a few hours because of all the pills she’d taken. I want to tell her that she didn’t need to hurt herself; she needed to care for herself. She didn’t need to apologise; she needed to talk about what was going on, tell the guy on the...

Why? Was I not worth it? Was I just something to be used? Did my childhood mean nothing to anyone? Why didn’t I get a childhood? I don’t even know what it would have looked like. I never had anything like it, so how can I even imagine? What was wrong with me? If they didn’t want children, why did they even try? They brought me into this world to be used, abused and abandoned. All these old stories that they think are meaningless or amusing; to me they’re signs that they should have seen, but missed....

This "special" home sucks. I have to share one small room with 3 other guys. And it smells like shit. Theres 4 other kids here:
-Shane
-Gordan
-Liam
-Delaney
Today was the worst day of my life. I don't even want to thing about Jamie's reaction when I said Bye

My phone decided to break last night. I've spent the past 3 hours or so trying to fix it.
I was up till 3am last night trying to make it work. I'm currently using my sim card in my brother's old phone so I can at least have contact with the outside world since I'm usually texting 24/7 anyway. I'm trying to unlock my old phone so it'll take my current simcard. (why do Vodafone have to be so bitchy and refuse to let my lovely, unlimited texts-filled, Orange sim work in the phone?!)
I...

Ugh.
So tired.
And my head is killing.
J is coming over soon.
At least I hope he is.
He should already be here.
Where is he?

Alright, I'm going to the "special" home tomorrow. I am litteraly bawling my eyes out, How am I supposed to say goodbye to Jamie, That kid is my brother. I can't just leave him.
And I am so fucking tired of people telling me that their there for me and when I need them their no where to be found.
Its not worth it anymore.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZpUYjpKg9KY&ob=av2e

Freaking out now. Don't want wednesday. Really can't handle it. So scared. Don't think i can go anymore. Won't admit the truth anyway. Don't want to talk about stupid suicide attempts, selfharm, overdosing, urges, thoughts, starvation, purging, the past. Maybe i should just cancel. Don't want to do this on my own but i don't want anyone knowing.
Just let me go?