Today I had my first class of college...psychology. I didn't expect much, I mean what first day is anything but going over course outlines and all that jazz.

So the teacher started going over what we're going to be learning about, and I can already tell this class is going to be pretty interesting. There's a whole chapter about repressed memories and another on social anxieties. Just from her reading the outline, my mind went a little crazy and I couldn't think straight.
...

OK so im going on holiday on friday and im not looking forward to it cause it means I cant have time on my own and I wont be able to escape and walk/ cycle in the fresh air.
Also my parents and sister think ive been SH free for 4 months when I last cut yesterday. This means that they think that im happy and over my depression which is an utter lie.

The only reason why im going is because we will be doing alot of massive walks so I will be able to loose wieght as ive balloned...

Everything seems to be happening at once.. My boyfriends acting really weird, in a way he's never acted before... All of my friends are really stressing me out with their problems, and I just don't know what to do about it anymore... Its driving me up the wall... And to top it all of, all my mom does since my little brother got home from my dads place, is freak on me for stuff I've done in the past week while he sits on his x-box all day, and does nothing around the house, and yet I still get yelled...

Life is good...at the moment. Not necessarily great, but it's good.

Classes start tomorrow, and I'm a little nervous about it. But at least I'm actually getting to go to school this semester.

I kinda messed up my leg the other day, and it's pretty ugly. But at least I still have my legs, and all 10 fingers and all 10 toes are accounted for.

The paint job on my truck is uneven, and the only station on the radio with music I get is some oldies christian station....

After managing 1 hours sleep I went on the bike ride and completed it stopping of for lunch at a pub.

Whast peddling I released everthing that was bugging and triggering me.

It felt so good.

When I got home though I realised I had bad sunburn at the top of both arms this has made my scars there show up badly making me self conscience.
Also I was exhausted and feel asleep watching TV which got mum worried.

I enjoyed the bike ride but...

Ok so Ive been trying to get to sleep since 10:30pm it is now 6:09am and I havent slept a wink.

The reason for this is because I have been trying to and suceeded making it to 25 days of SH freedom.

During those hours I have read tried to sleep come on this site work through probs and distract myslef tried to sleep. Listioned to some carming music tried to sleep come back on here try to sleep. Well you get the picture.

The problem with this is that at 8:00am...

Ok so this summer hols ive got eating back on track and excercised in moderation. In doing so gained half stone.
I havent cut for 24 days.
Ive been going out the house with my family
Ive been texting friends.

But inside nothing has improved I hate how fat and ugly I look.
The urges to cut are so big and occur everynight its getting harder and harder to beat them.
Im putting a smile on my face which is fake.

This isn't right my doctor friends...

...

The way I see it, the hardest path is always the right one, the easy path leads you nowhere but down, and the one in the middle doesn't lead you anywhere.

After taking the easy path a million times before I'm now stuck in the middle.

With the choice of easy or hard I'll always go with easy. Though when something is in the way of my easy path I'll work as hard as I can to walk around it.Then in the end I'm left with the question, Why didn't I just take the hard path?...

I dont know what it is, but the past couple of days life seems to have been easier. Its not necessarily that its been easy, just easier to handle. I actuallt told myself NO the other day, and it worked. I just hope I can carry on like this