I am such an idiot.. I spent most of the day throwing up and lying around doing nothing due to dizziness and aching. Why did i have to be so stupid, it didn't even work, all it has done is mess with my insides. I should have gone through with it on Friday, let alone yesterday.
I am so pathetic, just too scared to actually do it. My parents have noticed, but ignored it, like they didn't care. I need their help, i can't do this anymore....
I might as well just go and sit in the corner,...

I'm going to get some writing done today. I don't care how much effort it takes. I'm going to type that chapter up for Hannah because I promised her it two weeks ago. And then I'll see if I can't get some more stuff typed and posted.

I've just got to keep doing things. If I keep doing things then I won't feel so alone. But it's so hard to keep doing things. I don't feel sad, I just feel nothing. I'm empty.

I guess I'm lucky that my family is quite strict in certain...

I want to sleep. So I'm finally getting to. I hope I get a good night tonight.

I haven't cut today, although I've wanted to.

I've done my history. That's an achievement.

I feel numb.

And I ate an ice cream. I couldn't really say no to it, it would have been a bit odd, and my boyfriend was watching me so I couldn't get rid of it.

I'll just have to make sure I don't eat much at dinner.

I want to go to sleep. I keep saying this. I just wish I could. Sleep forever and ever and never wake up.

I keep having nightmares about my family. Friday night I dreamt I was at a family dinner when my dad's sister came up behind me and whispered that unless I told the family everything, she would. It'd be worse that way. I said something back to her that made perfect sense at the time but I don't even remember it now. I just know it was my way of standing up to her and saying "Hell no, you're not doing this to me again."
It still really scared me and I knew that what she wanted me

...

I've barely eaten today. I'm worried about dinner. My mum's doing potatos and fish but I don't want to eat any. I can get away with hala potato but I have to eat the fish. I'm scared. I don't know how I'm going to eat it.

I want to cut again. I've printed out the list of alternatives and I'm going to try some.

My boyfriend said he'd come round but he hasn't yet. He's probably forgotten.

I want to go to sleep.

I've found my old diary.

So many suicide plans.

I think I need help.

I saw myself in the shower this morning. I tried holding my stomach in. Still made a body I didn't like, but perhaps that shape would make me happier. I've eaten a couple of rice cakes this morning, but they had chocolate spread on them. I should stop doing that.

I can get away with a minimal lunch today because it's Sunday and we just eat soup. If I eat the soup, then I can skip on bread and stuff.

Dinner is harder. Perhaps I can hide some of it? I don't know. I hate...

I want it to go away. I want to stop caring. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I hate living like this. I feel like I'm living a double life.

I had another rough night last night. I woke at about half one. Found it hard to get back to sleep. Woke again in the morning with a headache.

I'm going to have a shower. Then finish my homework, if I can motivate myself enough.

And now you're gone again. And I feel alone. My sisters both have friends over and I can hear them from my room. It's only half nine but I just want to sleep. I'm so tired.

I've been having some weird dreams lately. I couldn't remember anything I dreamt for a while and now I can remember loads and it's rather odd.

I want to sleep. I want to sleep forever and not wake up, because waking up is the hard part.

I don't want school to start. I don't know how...