...

I keep trying and everything keeps going wrong. I'm sick of it all.

He keeps telling me to stop. He keeps telling me that everything will be fine. We'll take it one day at a time and I'll never cut again.

Fuck you. I know I will. I know I'll crack again. And maybe I don't care if I do. Maybe I'm just sick of everything and I don't care that I'm scarring myself, that I'm hurting myself.

My arm aches so bad. The cuts are the worst they've ever been. I want...

Feel like I need to talk.
Not just speak. Talk. Really talk. Without worrying about upsetting someone. Or triggering them. Or worrying them. I need someone who isn't involved who I can just spill everything to and let it all out.
Tried the 1-2-1 thing on childline. Was kind of hopeless. After 20 minutes they said I hadn't talked much and spent ages describing the confidentiality policy. Then about ten minutes after said that they're aware of how long we'd been talking and I must be

...

I just reread my last post... Melodramatic. That's the only way to describe it. I hardly even knew him... And now I have an awesome girlfriend that loves me, so it's all okay now. Okay, maybe not *all*. TOO MUCH STRESS! School, my sisters, friends. *sigh* Everyone seems to expect too much from me. I am getting straight A's, I basically raise my sisters because my mom's too busy with her boyfriend (fighting, making out... yeah...), I'm supposed to be getting a job, I'm in the National Honor Society,...

Last night i just lay there, my head was spinning; screaming at myself inside my head. 'Come on Charlotte, you don't need to do this, ODing and cutting is not the only opition...your being stupid...fight it...fight it...you can do it' I tried so hard, i really did, but then there is always the other side of me, telling me to do it, things are too bad at the moment, i can't handle it anymore, no one would care....stop being pathetic...
Like I was arguing with my emotions, i can't fight the...

...

WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED IN DOCTOR WHO?!

Yes. I only just got around to watching it. I was dragged to church Saturday night.

Spoiler:

So THAT'S why everyone's being going "Oh yeah Amy's gonna shoot the doctor in the new episode."?! Because she went and shot that kid that was in the spacesuit that killed the doctor in the future so now the kid's going to die and Amy will have to take it's place and kill the doctor in 200 years time because if she doesn't it will be changing

...

I failed and I cut last night.

I tried so hard not to but I felt like I was trying to force myself out of my body and I just had to cut. And then I gave in and I did.

There was something so relieving, so satisfying, about dragging the razor across my wrist. Seeing the blood well up, so much blood, and then cascade down my arm, over my skin.

I haven't cleaned it yet. I probably should.

My boyfriend is trying to get me to tell my mum. He...

Supposed to be going to placement today. Actually just going for a walk till everyone's left and coming back home. Can't handle it today. Will go back next wednesday.
So tired. So fucked up. Was dreaming about cutting. About people being able to see me. I was in my old house (why do I keep dreaming about that?) and it was dark outside. I'm a little obsessive about not having gaps in the blinds when it's dark out because I panic about seeing something. In the dream, every time I fixed

...

I'm going to get my work done tonight. And then I'm going to do the writing I promised some people I'd do. And then I'm going to make some mind maps. And then I'm going to read a book so that I can cut down the pile beside my bed. And I'm just going to keep going. On and on. It never stops. There's always something else to do and I just want to sleep.