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I hate this so much. (TRIGGERING)

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Posted May 3rd 2012 at 11:59 PM by Wheek!

No matter how many times people try to convince me otherwise, no matter how many times I try to convince myself otherwise, I always feel in my heart that I'll never be good enough. That no matter how hard I try it'll never be enough. That I'll never succeed. That nothing will ever change for me.

I go through periods of doing good. Today was one of my better days in THREE WEEKS. But I know it won't last. It never lasts. I've been so depressed lately even though I never show it, everything has been setting me off and I wish people would notice this and care. I've been self harming so much and again it's in obvious places and while I can easily hide it at home I don't bother at school and nobody sees the signs. Or doesn't care. Or they're unsure. I wish some teacher would ask me if I'm okay so I could say no. Because right now I'm not.

I wish I could tell my therapist just how bad it is that I feel, but she's leaving soon and I don't want to start that. And she'd tell my parents because what I've been thinking again is that I want to be dead. I don't know if I'd ever be able to actually attempt suicide, but I'd rather be dead. People piss me off lately, I never feel good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, ANYTHING enough. I can be happy but it is shortlived and I wish someone would help me, COULD help me. I wish I could tell my parents but they'd yell at me, punish me, not help me. I feel alone, trapped until I'm eighteen and can legally say I want to be fucking dead without them down my throat.

I just want to get better and it's so hard and I don't know if I can make it until I'm eighteen. Two years and exactly one month to go. Can I get that far?
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  1. Old Comment
    Horsefeathers.'s Avatar

    I know it's hard when you want help but no one even notices that you need it - but sometimes you need to take that extra step and actually ask for it. You might be surprised by the results.
    Hang in there, okay?
    permalink
    Posted May 4th 2012 at 01:19 AM by Horsefeathers. Horsefeathers. is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Palmolive's Avatar
    I just want you to know that i'm always here. You're more than good enough. Believe in yourself.
    permalink
    Posted May 4th 2012 at 01:24 AM by Palmolive Palmolive is offline
 
 
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