I had a pretty good week last week I guess. Nothing major happened. But yet this week, still nothing has happened and I find my negative thoughts have returned.

My motivation has been down the toilet for a while but yet I still get upset when I don't do well on something. I haven't felt any strong emotions but yet I'm still sitting here thinking all negatively. I'm a failure who will never get anywhere and I feel ugly and wish I could get hit by the nearest bus or something because...

so , i've been thinking alot and i honestly miss the past. i dont know what part about the past i miss the most. being close to certin people . or just not being as depressed. everything is different than when i was younger. the world around me is changing so fast i can hardly even capture whats even going on anymore.
my heads always ina daze. i dont realize things i normallly would. i can feeel my depression slowly coming back and its hurting. i dont like this feeling.
i dont know...

Who am i trying to kid ?
me or him.
i know the things i say are usually lies when it comes to him.
but what am i suppose to say ?
that i still love him, when he doesnt give a crap about me .
when you look into my eyes i know you can see the hurt behind the smile and the lie " im fine "
he knew me. he was everything to me. he was my bestfriend. now hes gone. and theres no way to get him back.
i effed up big time by dating him again i guess....

everything isnt the same anymore. nobody is. its just sad. it makes me just wanna curl up ina ball and die. i may seem like a happy person on the outside , but thats only because of my medicine.
on the inside. im hurting. i cant eat. i feeel like im going to puke everytime. i can hardly even eat a grilled cheese anymore without wanting to puke. i know this is all about help , which this is what im trying to do.
i've been in 2 programs for depresssion and just got out of Harbor Oaks...