so , i've been thinking alot and i honestly miss the past. i dont know what part about the past i miss the most. being close to certin people . or just not being as depressed. everything is different than when i was younger. the world around me is changing so fast i can hardly even capture whats even going on anymore.
my heads always ina daze. i dont realize things i normallly would. i can feeel my depression slowly coming back and its hurting. i dont like this feeling.
i dont know...

Who am i trying to kid ?
me or him.
i know the things i say are usually lies when it comes to him.
but what am i suppose to say ?
that i still love him, when he doesnt give a crap about me .
when you look into my eyes i know you can see the hurt behind the smile and the lie " im fine "
he knew me. he was everything to me. he was my bestfriend. now hes gone. and theres no way to get him back.
i effed up big time by dating him again i guess....

everything i do is just so stupid. i cant make anyone happy , everything i do its all blah and i always make mistakes in peoples eyes. mostly my fathers and i dont understand why.
i hate how i do this and i dont understand how i can make a happy person into a sad , miserable person.. /:
i reallly hate this , just by posting some of these blogs i know that im probly making someone sad..
i just hate thiis feeling i have ...

im never hungry.
i eat like one if even that a day.
i wont eat for days at a time. i hate food, its the most nasty-ist thing in this world i think. i eat. ill randomly get hungry maybe if anything only once a week and that'll be it. my stepmom says im getting too skinny again. some of my close that had fit me perfect before are bigger on me. i weigh at like [Edited]. people say im way to underweight. but yet, i think im huge, i want to weigh atleast [Edited]. i've told people this...

okay , so my so called " best friend " ( the one who got my boyfriend to cheat on me/: ) keeps on flirting ALOT with my boyfriend while i've been grounded. and its pissing me off.
cause , he flirts back without knowing it i guess.
i wouuld say something to him , but i'd sound like bitchy if i do.. ihate it so much though. i almost punched her in the face yesterday at lunch. she pisses me off ALOT. more than anyone could possibly imange. like , no joke.
then she goes...

i feeel reallly depresssed all day today.
random urgers to cut and curl up in a ball and just lay there forever. im not sure whats going on with me. i've been pretty happy the last few days i thought.
just something , im not sure what. just hit me i guess and i've beeen depressed ever sence.
i hate this feeling.. /:

everything isnt the same anymore. nobody is. its just sad. it makes me just wanna curl up ina ball and die. i may seem like a happy person on the outside , but thats only because of my medicine.
on the inside. im hurting. i cant eat. i feeel like im going to puke everytime. i can hardly even eat a grilled cheese anymore without wanting to puke. i know this is all about help , which this is what im trying to do.
i've been in 2 programs for depresssion and just got out of Harbor Oaks...

December 15, 2010.


She feels unwanted and hated for many reasons. she feels stupid and useless with everything she does and says. she makes everyone feels like crap because of what she says and does. she cutes, just to feel the pain. it lets her know that she can still feel thing. she doesnt reallly feel anything besides sadness/hurt. cutting is her only realif most of the time. music is her only escape from teh world. she does have friends but she never sees them , which makes...