Need advice on 18 yo

[fatherwhoneedshelp]

I have a recently turned 18 yo son, he is driving a car in my name which I am paying for, I have found weed more than once, a little coke and recently mushrooms in the car. His GF is 17 and best friend 16. He does have a job but I believe just winging it. He failed 11th grade but making up points and will still graduate if he keeps up his grades however, he is traveling down a dark road and I don’t know how to handle. I struggled with addiction when I was young and see the signs, almost like a repeat of my life. Take his car? tell the minor children’s parents? Shut off his cell which I pay for? It seems he just is not taking it seriously. We are good parents and really don’t ask much of him other than keep your room clean, wash your cloths, take a shower and we make him pay for the vehicle insurance. That’s it! We don’t yell, we only try to talk to him. We tell him we love him. Thoughts????

[Ennui.]

Hey,

I'm sorry that you are going through all of this!

Since you experienced addiction before, what are some of the things that you wish you heard when you were struggling? It's great that you tell him you love him and try to be good parents, and I bet you are doing the best you can. But you have a different perspective with being a former addict. What are some things you wish you knew, wish you did, or wish you heard from others?

I know he's 18 so you can't force him, but do you think you can encourage him to get into therapy to talk about what is going on? It may be difficult for him to talk to his parents about things like this, so having a therapist would help because they're an unbiased source who won't judge and would keep things confidential. It may even help to have a family counseling session where you're able to talk to him with someone moderating the discussion. Or, it can help to talk to an individual therapist yourself who may be able to give you advice on how to handle things and also support for what you are going through as a parent.

You mentioned taking his car, and it's a good idea to think about whether or not you feel safe with him having his car if he is getting high and hiding drugs in it. It's in your name, and while I don't know a lot about the laws around that, you don't want anything to come back and bite you if he is stopped by the police, and I know that you don't want him to get into an accident or anything like that.

I don't know if this is possible due to confidentiality since he's 18, but do you think you could call his doctor up and let them know what's going on with him? If you still schedule his appointments for him it will be easier because you can tell him he has an appointment coming up, but if you don't schedule his appointments for him this may be a little harder.

He has to want to change before things get better, but keep talking to him and trying to get him to open up. He may get defensive at first, but ignoring the problem will only allow things to get worse. Make sure he knows that he is loved, but definitely don't enable his behavior.

I hope this helps, even a little. Know you're not alone.

Dez

Hi there, thanks for reaching out!

I can see how concerned you are for your son, and especially as someone who used to have substance abuse issues. I agree with Dez in that you should think "what do I wish people had told me when I was struggling? What do I wish people had done for me back then" and with the answers you give yourself, use that to support your son. You can speak to your partner and come up with a plan, but don't be too aggressive with intervention. The last thing you want to do is have him shut you out completely.

You should also ask yourself, since he uses your car but it's in your name, whether it's worth letting him continue to drive it. As Dez said, you don't want him getting high on substances, drive under the influence, and get into an accident; because then it'll come back to bite you since the car's ownership is in your name. I know he's eighteen and legally an adult; but it's important to think about the ramifications that could come with him getting into an accident or getting pulled over while under the influence.

I understand how frustrating this must be, as a former addict watching your son go through the same thing you did when you'd been young; but it's really ultimately up to him to want to make the change. You and your partner can only do so much for him, but he's his own person who makes choices for himself.

Don't hesitate in reaching out again if you have to. Good luck.

[fatherwhoneedshelp]

Thanks for the replies.

I was raised by my great grandmother and reflecting back I don't think there would have been much she could have said or done to stop me from doing what I was doing. I do remember a time when I reached out for help and unfortunately granny was in a rest home by then and the rest of my family was too angry with me for my actions to want to help, so my learnings had to take their course with great expense. I do wish at that time the help would have been there because I really needed it.

With that being said, I will always be here for him no matter what happens but I so much want to stop him from going down that road. I fear that I am going to have to let go and let him make his mistakes and be there to help him up if needed. He says he doesn't need help but I beg to differ.

We did have a discussion after he woke up today.. he, my wife & I and I pretty much laid out that we operate a clean house and if he wanted to be treated like an adult he has to act like an adult and if he felt the rules of this house are not to his expectations to hand over the keys to his car, pack his backpack and call a friend to come pick him up. Told him if and when when he realizes his life here is sooo much better than the alternative we will be waiting with open arms.

I am struggling with talking to or not talking to his friends parents. Both his GF & best friend are minors and that concerns me for many reasons. One being that he is now an adult contributing and the second I feel like we are betraying their trust which doesn't make me feel very good. What are your thoughts on that? Thanks.

[Ennui.]

I don't think it would hurt to tell their parents. Don't think of it as getting them in trouble, but think of it as a concerned parent talking to another parent. I think letting them know gives them the opportunity to talk to their children and see what they're up to, and make sure they know they're loved. If they are addicted to these substances as well, it could be the first step towards them getting the help they need.

[fatherwhoneedshelp]

Thank you.

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

Hello and welcome to Teenhelp. Thank you so much for coming on and telling us about what you have been going through and I am sorry that you are having this happen. When you are a parent you always want to have the best for your children. When we are children and teenagers we may not see that you are truly just trying to help us with whatever we are going through. Sometimes we don't see it until we are older and then we finally understand why you all we're so hard on us. I also think that it is a good idea to talk to the other parents about everything that is going on. See if you are able to find a time that works for everyone. You can make a list of things that you would like to talk about with them so that you don't leave anything out. Sometimes if a parent had a problem with drugs or alcohol or something else growing up, they will hide this from the children. When some of the children are teenagers and they will start to get into this, it's a good idea to set them down a talk about what you went through and get them some kind of help. I hope that when you are talking to the other parents and to your son that you are able to come up with something to help him and everything will be okay soon. I wish you the best with.

[Rika]

Hello there,

Welcome to TeenHelp. It is quite nice of you to be asking for advice on how to deal with your 18 year old son going through a rough patch. It's totally normal to want to seek advice and help on this. It shows you care about your son and want him to do better for himself.

I too think finding a good time to sit down and talk with your son would be the best course of action. I'd discuss how you feel about how he is behaving and acting recently. I also would mention being concerned for him and his health doing these drugs. Being addicted to drugs or any substance is hard and a rough time for everyone involved. We want to see the person be well and seek help.

I also too would speak to the girlfriend's parents about this and find a good time to discuss all of this with them. I also think it'd be useful to mention what you went through as a teenager yourself. Sometimes when a parent went through this, that parent will not usually open up about it or discuss it much. I feel it is a good idea to mention it as he'd have a person who went through the same struggles to talk with.

Apart from this, if he does want help there's resources you and your son could find and go over on our TeenHelp resources page.

http://www.teenhelp.org/resources/#substance_use