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Friends and Family Everyone has disagreements, even best friends and family. If you need advice about a relationship, ask us here.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Manjima Offline
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Angry difference in outlook and perspective ..resulting in conflict with my parents!! help please!!! - September 5th 2015, 10:00 AM

THIS IS GOING TO BE VERY LONG BUT PLEASE READ THE WHOLE THING AND HELP PLEASE!!



i live in india..so you know where my parents are coming from BEING BROUGHT UP IN A CONSERVATIVE SOCIETY..my father is really educated but works a mediocre job by choice. he has no ambition in life whatsoever..i mean its not about the money but he has no urge to improve himself..he used to play really good guitar and he is so good in english but he never reads a good book nor has touched his guitar for 40 years.he wanted to be a writer but works as a government employee.he has never tried for a promotion although we all know how much capable and talented he is at his job and he really deserves a promotion...i have told him so many times to do what he enjoys...to live life actively but he is just so lifeless...no passion ..no love ...according to my parents my goals are their dreams if i accomplish my dreams they will have their dreams fulfilled but thats not how it works!! you cant be so invested on your child you have to have your own life and your own dreams..whenever i ask him to teach me something that he is clearly good at...he will refuse citing the excuse that its been so long that he had not done it...he is not good at it etc..He is so book smart and is always abreast of political and sports news and stuff but sometimes he asks literally the most stupid questions ever!! sometimes i think He PURPOSELY acts stupid around me!! For example..I was at the doctors and the doctor asked me why i do not go out?/ i said i didnt have any friends..the doctor said that means you are always on facebook...and my dad instantly comments she is always on facebook ..always on the computer..i mean what the fuck?? i dont even have an account..i left facebook two years ago or any social media for that matter..and most of the time im on the internet ..im either searching for good medical schools and residencies (i want to be a doctor) or looking for new music, books, harry styles, travel blogs or watching documentaries on suicide/murder etc...i mean what do you expect ...i dont ask for your money to go out with friends..so how am i supposed to feel happy?? music and harry give me happiness...i dont even ask you for your money for stupid unnecessary things like my former friends do..heck i dont even like spending your hard earned money...
Coming to my mother...she is a housewife..but she will CONSTANTLY WORRY about me...and its annoying as fuck!! I am a very introverted person..i really like to be alone BUT APPARENTLY SHE DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO GIVE ME MY PERSONAL SPACE!!!.for example...i like to close the door and turn off the lights and read an ebook or listen to music...she will always nag me about opening the doors and putting the lights on...i also like to shower after i have my lunch around at 4 or 5 pm...i mean it changes everyday...but she has such a HUGE problem with it!!! the time i shower or have my lunch is subjective...its my choice but no according to her...you have to shower within 1 pm in the afternoon and before you have your lunch because thats what everybody does !!she will always try to shove her god and religion in my throat..i hate religion and god!!...i really like non veg a lot and want to try you know beef and other exotic foods but she wont let me.. even when i grow up because of her stupid religion...what i eat is my choice!!! She can b really ignorant sometimes...for example the other day i was watching a video of a nude photoshoot but all of her parts were covered with her hands and legs..( i am very open with my parents considering sexuality and other stuff) and she was like why are you watching these dirty things?? i mean seriously ??? there is nothing sexual in this video its just a nude model posing and the model was not being suggestive at all..she was just acting natural...we have talked about masturbation too and she thinks it causes ovarian cancer!! and it will reduce my drive when i get married!! what the fuck!! i have explained to her that masturbating is actually healthy but she wont have it!!...i know how she was brought up ...so i always try to make her knowledgable about feminism , homosexuality, gender fluidity...but she never really quite understands...My idol is Harry Styles because not only is he a very good singer but he has a heart of gold..he is the most polite and kind person i know but as many of you may know he sometimes acts quite feminine and im assuming he might be bisexual/gay...and i love the fact about him that he is not afraid to be himself..not afraid to be weird eccentric and oh so flamboyant...but my mom will always call Harry a girl just because he acts feminine...i mean NO just NO you cant call him a girl unless he himself identifies as genderfluid...you need to respect that person's choices.. she says that she does not like men who act feminine...i get so annoyed..

i am not really close with my dad.when i was kid...he was a severe drug addict..he used to come home almost passed out and fight with my mom when he was sober although he never really hurt my mom physically...many years later he cheated on my mom with a prostitute..(he confessed later ) cuz their sex life is non existent ( as i told earlier mum and i are very open)they are only together because of me..he wont even give me a hug because he thinks that i am a grown up teenager now and perhaps he is afraid that my lady parts will touch his chest when hugging( seriously??/!!)...i forgave him for everything but he has lost my respect...he has given me a lot of emotional baggage...dont get me wrong here..i love my parents very much and im very grateful to them for giving clothes food shelter and and an education and i know i will take care of them till they die.i respect my mother and im really grateful for all that she has done for me but she can be really ignorant sometimes..and i hate it....and i know that they love me very much too but i just cant get along with them because of our outlooks on life...i am a very open minded person and they are just not used to it...because of this we always fight on small things and im tired of it!! i have talked to them calmly about this several times...but they refuse to give me my personal space and liberty.(ALSO I DO VERY WELL AT SCHOOL ACADEMICALLY AND THEY HAVE NOTHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT..IM VERY SERIOUS ABOUT MY STUDIES AND CAREER)....this was very long ..thanks for listening to my rant...How do i help this situation...im tired of these arguments at home...any help would be appreciated thanks

Last edited by Manjima; September 5th 2015 at 10:32 AM.
   
  (#2 (permalink)) Old
Calaer Offline
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Re: difference in outlook and perspective ..resulting in conflict with my parents!! help please!!! - September 5th 2015, 10:41 AM

Hey. Sadly, I may not have the answers you are looking for, but I'll try my best to help.

As a mother, caregiver, and big sister I know how it can be with teens/young adults. Me being only 20 myself, it wasn't that long ago when I was in a similar situation. Sadly, because you aren't old enough to be on your own yet, there isn't much you can do, other than find inner peace with yourself and practice patience towards your parents. If I'm totally honest, I'm just as bad with 'personal space' as well.

I always make the girls come out of their rooms and socialize with us. We do family activities, and I always make sure the electronics are out of the picture. I also have very strict Internet rules (though, we have had a pretty serious situation happen in the past to implicate these rules.) Culture wise, I'm sure there are some major differences between our situations, but I assure you, that your mother only cares for you, and wants what is best for you. (Even though she can get pretty annoying trying to show you.)

As for your father, mine was the same way. He is so intelligent, but has no drive to better his situation. No matter how much I reached out to try and do things with him, he would push me back. (Sadly, we no longer speak because of this.) There isn't much you can do about his situation. Just keep encouraging him, and hopefully he will show some drive in the future.

As far as the religion, I'm very religion as well. I do try and teach my girls The Gospel, but I also realize that they aren't as interested in learning as I would hope. Just keep in mind that your mother was raised in religion, and she is trying to teach you the same as she was taught. When you were raised to believe specific things it's hard to grasp a different opinion on them, especially when you've spent so long believing the latter. Again, just practice patience with your Mother while trying to explain different views to her. Hopefully she will grasp where you are coming from.

As far as being very open with your personal beliefs, ect, Myself as a mother, I realize that there will come a day when the girls (The two teens are dealing with this now) will become more interested in sexuality. I was raised in a very strict, conservative family, but am also very open minded, so it's easier for me to understand where they are coming from. In the end, you are who you are, and your parent's aren't going to be able to change that one way or another.

As for the little things, such as when you eat lunch, or when you shower, ect I personally like the girls to eat with us as a family, and I would like them to take a shower before a specific time, but that's mainly because there are a bunch of us, and we all need showers and plenty of rest before school/work. I think that's just your mother trying in her own way to help you manage your time.

And finally (hopefully I've covered everything else) Your parents gave up their dreams when they had you, and in-turn you became their dream. As a mother, I never knew how much my life would change when I had my daughter. I gave up the dreams I had, but had gained a better one. My dream/ambition is for my daughter to grow up healthy, successful, and happy. It's my job to get her there, and it's a full time job. So, in a way, yes. Parent's can live their dreams with you.

Overall, there isn't much you can do about your parents, or their situation. Just focus on being the best you that you can be, and work on practicing paticence with your parents. They just care for you, and want what's best for you. I really hope this helps, and I hope I covered everything. Good luck and best wishes~


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Re: difference in outlook and perspective ..resulting in conflict with my parents!! help please!!! - September 5th 2015, 01:01 PM

I haven't been in this situation, but being from the same country I know people who have been in this situation. I know the advice I might give is not what people here are going to give, but for now I think this will help. Especially because you have boards coming up and I don't want you to be stressed about family issues, when you should be concentrating on your studies. So, here..

Your dad... I know people like that. Maybe there was a reason why your dad gave up on playing the guitar or writing. Were your grandparents supportive or did he go through some problems at some point while pursuing these two. My dad had given up on one of his hobbies, later we found out that my grandmother would taunt him about it and he lost all interest in it and gave it up to avoid these taunts. You can't force your dad to take up his hobbies again nor can you force him to tell you why he gave it up. Questioning parents is like taboo in our society, so right now all you can do is convince you dad to try taking it up again. Maybe one a holiday tell him you'd like to hear him plan the guitar or maybe ask for his help on some creative writing homework from school. When my mother stopped writing for a while due to reasons, I'd pester her to help me with creative writing and essays and with that she was able to gain back her courage to write. It's not a fool proof plan, but it's worth giving a try.

Have you told your parents what you do on the internet? My parents proudly go around telling everyone that I deactivated my Facebook. Maybe when you are using the internet to search for something, you could call your parents and show them something interesting that you found. Some new destination or a good medical college. PS: Do not show music stuff because then you might again be lectured about wasting time. But showing something informative and interesting will make them realize you are not actually wasting your time on the internet. And I am sure your parents are aware that entrance exams involve general knowledge questions. So, you know what I am hinting at.

What you eat, when you shower and things like this are entirely your choice. You can't really follow a religion just because your parents want you to or ask you to. I know a couple of friends who are pretending to follow a religion but plan on converting as soon as they move out. You can either totally defy what your mother says, or like Ade said you can try patience. I follow a religion, though I don't follow all the blind faith involved. Maybe you could try convincing your mother that being religious is not the same as being superstitious. There are a lot of TV serials that are dealing with this. It is not going to be easy, it will probably take a lot of time, but it is not impossible. Some many people in the country are changing their views, it just shows that will patience you can get people to move forward and forget superstitions.

I never spoke to my mother about masturbation, not because she has wrong beliefs more because I am not comfortable. The whole issue regarding masturbation is as taboo as sex in the society. I understand you are annoyed at what your mother is saying, but when you look at it from her point of view she is just telling you what she was taught and made to understand. When you grow up believing in a certain belief your entire life, it is very hard to change it quickly. My mother was like that about homosexuality, but with time she has accepted it. I would just randomly read out articles related to the topic, or leave articles lying around the house for her to read. Telling her or explaining something to her might end up in an argument, but you can always try to get her to read something about masturbation being healthy.

This is another stereotypical notion in our country. Just because someone has feminine attributes does not make them a female, but people out here are not going to accept it. I know this again annoys you, but this is what a majority of the community things. You can't change this within minutes and you can't force your mother to like Harry Styles, but she never told you not to listen to his music. Why don't you just fan girl over him without getting your mother involved. I do that often. It's just not worth the arguments and the 'this is against our culture' lecture.

I agree with what Ade said, parents an live their dreams with you. You are actually lucky to have such a hand on mother who is there for you at every step. Both my parents are working and there are days in our house when we don't have time to talk to each other. You are actually lucky to have parents who invest so much time and effort in you and you should be glad about it. I know parents are not perfect and they make mistakes, but it's their first time being parents just like it is our first time being kids. They make mistakes, but they don't intend to make them. The best thing we can do it be patient, because in the end it's love and family that matters.

This got quite long. But seriously, if you ever need to talk/rant message me anytime. All the best with everything. <3


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  (#4 (permalink)) Old
Manjima Offline
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Re: difference in outlook and perspective ..resulting in conflict with my parents!! help please!!! - September 7th 2015, 11:04 AM

you two are amazing seriously...those were the answers that i needed to hear...i am actually quite lucky and i will remember all these points but most importantly i will be patient...thanks again!! <3
   
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