Preparing for the worst

[FrozenRobot7]

My mom was diagnosed with cancer in January of this year and this really took us all by surprise. Since then and all of the doctors visits I have learned more about the severity and how quickly everything is moving. It's stage 4 which was a big shock when I heard but now I have comes to terms with that part a bit (as much as I can at least).

The one thing everyone was banking on was the surgery. The tumor is operable and the doctors expressed some genuine confidence about being able to take out the majority of it and figure out treatment from there. It has been a long journey with trying to get sooner surgery dates and figuring out doctors but the plan was finally set and she was supposed to have surgery tomorrow.

But last week she went into the ER because her oxygen was very low. They didn't end up finding anything wrong and just sent her home. But, her surgeon (because she didn't check her email) wasn't aware of this until Monday morning and became hesitant to operate. While every single one of my moms doctors said it was better to get the surgery over with ASAP, her surgeon still canceled the surgery. She wants my mother to get a whole new team of doctors and essentially start this process over, pushing her so much farther back in the process.

At this point I am feeling more frustrated than anything with her surgeon and how everything played out, but I am also incredibly worried. Her cancer is progressing quickly and more time is the last thing this tumor needs right now. I worry that if this surgery doesn't happen soon that she will get too sick to even be able to fight this off.

My mom is my biggest role model and my best friend. My heart hurts so much for her right now and I can barely even begin to process what this lack of surgery means for her and my family. I want to be able to emote about it and get these feelings off my chest but I can't. While I know I have very large emotions about this topic I can't cry about it and feel very emotionless to the situation. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I could make this feel more real/be able to emote about it? I so desperately want to be able to get these big emotions off of my chest and out into the open but it feels like there is some barrier there that doesn't allow me to do it.

[Ennui.]

I am so sorry to hear this is happening. It sounds so frustrating to me that her surgeon canceled and now everything is delayed.

My dad was diagnosed with cancer when I was in the fourth grade, so I was a lot younger than you were now. Honestly a lot of what helped me actually emote was not saying silent and talking about it with my parents. I don't know how your family operates, but mine was very open to conversation and wanted to be honest with me about the things that my dad was going through. I know you may want to avoid doing that because you don't want to worry your mom, but sometimes it can be good for you two to process what's actually happening.

Do you think going with your mom to her appointments, if it's allowed/if your mom is comfortable with it, would help make things feel more real to you? That way you hear exactly from the doctors what is going on and can ask questions, and you can also see a bit about what your mom is going through. I went to my dad's chemo appointment once and it was definitely eye-opening.

Sometimes it also takes time to really process how we are feeling. Keeping a journal of your thoughts and the things that are going on may help you at least come to an understanding.

I hope this helps.

Dez

[Mallika]

Hello Danni,

Thank you for reaching out and I'm so sorry that this has been so tough. It was insightful reading Dez's response as she has/they have been in your shoes before, so I hope those suggestions will help you.

Regarding your feelings, I believe your mind is still processing everything that is happening. It doesn't necessarily mean that you are unable to emote, but rather, it might just be taking time for all these recent events to sink in. Once you've processed it, you'll probably be able to speak freely about your feelings.

Dealing with a cancer diagnosis in the family can be incredibly overwhelming and difficult. I work in a cancer hospital, specifically in a familial cancer syndrome clinic, so I can empathise with what you're going through. One suggestion that I can provide is also what we provide our patients - the hospital will have support resources for family members/the patients which you might want to seek. There will also be support groups which you can be a part of; networking with those who are going through similar experiences as you will hopefully give you a space to express yourself openly.

I found this resource by NIH National Cancer Institute which is aimed at supporting family members/caregivers of those with cancer. Hopefully it can be of some help:

https://www.cancer.gov/publications/...ced-cancer.pdf

I can only imagine how complex things might be right now. Is there a way you can speak with her surgeon? It is only fair that you get the answers you need. If your mother is a Stage IV cancer patient and needed surgery ASAP, you're justified to feel angry and confused as to why the surgeon cancelled her surgery. Alternatively, you might want to speak with any other doctors your mother has seen regarding this.

Please feel free to DM me if you would like to have a chat just to get a load off your chest. This is a difficult time, but you'll emerge stronger

Take care!

[JohnPotter]

interesting