Assertive Communication and Recovering from People-Pleasing

[TH Anonymous]

[SIZE="a"]Hi everyone,

So I'm in an iop for the next few weeks and I'm telling people who don't know my situation that I'm in a job training program or that I'm taking courses. I kind of told people that I left my previous job already so I'm not good at lying and feel uncomfortable with it so I end up doing it when it is very necessary to do so.

When I has left my job and was not in an iop, I had reached out to a previous employer whom I've kept in touch with and told her that I left. This is because I was under the impression that she cared about me as a person and alao I had asked her to be a resume reference again and just to give her a heads up that I'm searching for a job.

But then I started the iop and on my first day (she didn't know that), she texted me about needing coverage at her preschool program. In the text she stated the message in a way that made it seem that I'd be working with a particular teacher (whom I've felt successful with) and therefore at that particular campus (closer than the other campus). She also gave a certain start and end date. I moved back to my hometown city and I agreed to discuss it on the phone with her about logistics. I said I'm available Wednesday and Friday and perhaps I can travel on Thursday night and work on Friday and return on Sunday.
She ended up saying I'll be working at the other campus (with someone who is usually a teacher assistant which I don't feel comfortable with. I also have previously worked with her and she doesn't have good classroom management skills, neither do I)
She also originally said I'd be staying by the lady who I used to live with but then she said that the lady is having her sister's large family and so I will be staying with her daughter instead.
She also decided to include an additional Friday without asking me first and just said in the email that's what it was.

I told her I was under the impression I'd be working with that particular teacher and she said that wasn't what she needed but if I really want that she can try to work around it.

I feel like there are too many factors that changed from when I committed originally to helping out. And mimd you, I'm literally going to make a pretty big trip (2 hours on the coach bus each way and additional local traveling and arriving Thursday night after a long day at iop)

I am realizing now that I am not in a position to over-exert myself and I need to use assertive communication. I also need to figure out what I want and what I do not want. Also, I need to think of self-care and boundaries.

For example, I am thinking I will text her and say I cannot come in the 3rd Friday.

This situation is bringing me huge anxiety. I am afraid she would retaliate and our relationship would be at risk which means when I go back to job searching I might not be able to get a reference from her. She holds a lot of power and is somewhat of an authority figure (older woman, valued community member and is family-related to the people i am connected to, has social leverage, was one of my previous supervisors and is the supervisor of the teacher that I worked well with, has influence and reputation etc)

And given that my last job didn't work out, she is the supervisor of the job I had before this last one.

I am also feeling high stress from my people-pleasing habits. I have difficulty putting boundaries because I crave feeling needed and I translate it as a feeling loved. So when she says "youre such a lifesaver!" I feel good about myself and that I'm helpful which lately has been hard to get because I've been so much in crisis and I've been encouraged to slow down and focus on myself and not rush back into "normal life" because I'm still highly traumatized and I need to stabilize first and if I try to rush into getting a job or doing "normal adult things" I can burnout and it can end up counter-productive.
It is hard when there is pressure all around me, pretty much every neighbor, family member and friend who is unaware of what's been going on has been bombarding me with questions about my job search or pressuring me to get married or just overall treating me as if im a normal adult in normal circumstances and right now I have to retrain myself to see my situation as I'm in crisis and am in a treatment program and that is my priority over the pressure to do normal adulting things.

Any tips on how to figure out what my boundaries are and then muster the courage to to communicate assertively to her?[/size]

[TH Anonymous]

[SIZE="a"]

Originally Posted by TH Anonymous

[SIZE="a"]Hi everyone,

So I'm in an iop for the next few weeks and I'm telling people who don't know my situation that I'm in a job training program or that I'm taking courses. I kind of told people that I left my previous job already so I'm not good at lying and feel uncomfortable with it so I end up doing it when it is very necessary to do so.

When I has left my job and was not in an iop, I had reached out to a previous employer whom I've kept in touch with and told her that I left. This is because I was under the impression that she cared about me as a person and alao I had asked her to be a resume reference again and just to give her a heads up that I'm searching for a job.

But then I started the iop and on my first day (she didn't know that), she texted me about needing coverage at her preschool program. In the text she stated the message in a way that made it seem that I'd be working with a particular teacher (whom I've felt successful with) and therefore at that particular campus (closer than the other campus). She also gave a certain start and end date. I moved back to my hometown city and I agreed to discuss it on the phone with her about logistics. I said I'm available Wednesday and Friday and perhaps I can travel on Thursday night and work on Friday and return on Sunday.
She ended up saying I'll be working at the other campus (with someone who is usually a teacher assistant which I don't feel comfortable with. I also have previously worked with her and she doesn't have good classroom management skills, neither do I)
She also originally said I'd be staying by the lady who I used to live with but then she said that the lady is having her sister's large family and so I will be staying with her daughter instead.
She also decided to include an additional Friday without asking me first and just said in the email that's what it was.

I told her I was under the impression I'd be working with that particular teacher and she said that wasn't what she needed but if I really want that she can try to work around it.

I feel like there are too many factors that changed from when I committed originally to helping out. And mimd you, I'm literally going to make a pretty big trip (2 hours on the coach bus each way and additional local traveling and arriving Thursday night after a long day at iop)

I am realizing now that I am not in a position to over-exert myself and I need to use assertive communication. I also need to figure out what I want and what I do not want. Also, I need to think of self-care and boundaries.

For example, I am thinking I will text her and say I cannot come in the 3rd Friday.

This situation is bringing me huge anxiety. I am afraid she would retaliate and our relationship would be at risk which means when I go back to job searching I might not be able to get a reference from her. She holds a lot of power and is somewhat of an authority figure (older woman, valued community member and is family-related to the people i am connected to, has social leverage, was one of my previous supervisors and is the supervisor of the teacher that I worked well with, has influence and reputation etc)

And given that my last job didn't work out, she is the supervisor of the job I had before this last one.

I am also feeling high stress from my people-pleasing habits. I have difficulty putting boundaries because I crave feeling needed and I translate it as a feeling loved. So when she says "youre such a lifesaver!" I feel good about myself and that I'm helpful which lately has been hard to get because I've been so much in crisis and I've been encouraged to slow down and focus on myself and not rush back into "normal life" because I'm still highly traumatized and I need to stabilize first and if I try to rush into getting a job or doing "normal adult things" I can burnout and it can end up counter-productive.
It is hard when there is pressure all around me, pretty much every neighbor, family member and friend who is unaware of what's been going on has been bombarding me with questions about my job search or pressuring me to get married or just overall treating me as if im a normal adult in normal circumstances and right now I have to retrain myself to see my situation as I'm in crisis and am in a treatment program and that is my priority over the pressure to do normal adulting things.

Any tips on how to figure out what my boundaries are and then muster the courage to to communicate assertively to her?[/size]

So an update: I texted her this morning saying that I forgot about a prior commitment I had and that I'm unable to come in on Thursday nights because of it. I am stressing out![/size]

[Ennui.]

I've been told by a lot of people that I have to accept that "no" is a complete answer, and maybe that's something you can learn too, if you haven't already. By that, I mean that you don't have to explain yourself or say why you can't do a certain thing, and that "no" is all you have to say. "No" doesn't mean that you are a bad person, it just means that you either cannot or do not want to do the thing someone has asked of you.

With the people who are pressuring you, you don't have to offer them an explanation either. You can say that this is a personal matter that you do not wish to discuss with them. Continue to repeat it any time they start to pressure you.

[TH Anonymous]

[SIZE="a"]

Originally Posted by Ennui.

I've been told by a lot of people that I have to accept that "no" is a complete answer, and maybe that's something you can learn too, if you haven't already. By that, I mean that you don't have to explain yourself or say why you can't do a certain thing, and that "no" is all you have to say. "No" doesn't mean that you are a bad person, it just means that you either cannot or do not want to do the thing someone has asked of you.

With the people who are pressuring you, you don't have to offer them an explanation either. You can say that this is a personal matter that you do not wish to discuss with them. Continue to repeat it any time they start to pressure you.

Thank you, this is very helpful. Another thing that I've learned today is if someone asks whether I'm free and then plans to then pressure me into doing a favor I can say, " I have some things to do but I may be able to move things around. Why, what's going on?" and that way I can hear what is being requested and can choose whether I want to do that thing or not without being cornered into a situation.[/size]

[TH Anonymous]

[SIZE="a"]

Originally Posted by TH Anonymous

[SIZE="a"]

Thank you, this is very helpful. Another thing that I've learned today is if someone asks whether I'm free and then plans to then pressure me into doing a favor I can say, " I have some things to do but I may be able to move things around. Why, what's going on?" and that way I can hear what is being requested and can choose whether I want to do that thing or not without being cornered into a situation.[/size]

I am sorry for the repeated posts, I am not sure how to go back and edit since I am anonymous. I got a reply text from her and I did not click on it but just read it from the notification pop-up. She said 2 main things, one is asking me to leave later on Thursday (I claimed to have a prior commitment on Thursday that I had forgotten about) and then the second part is her saying that the teacher who I liked working with was looking forward to working with me and that when I had mentioned preferring to work with her she made that happen for me.

I cannot get myself to reply to this. I feel horrible. I feel like I am being so mean and bad![/size]

[Ennui.]

I don't think you have to answer at this point, or only say "I can't do what you're asking at this point in time" and leave it at that if you can't leave later on Thursday. I also don't think that the part where they said the teacher is looking forward to working with you really warrants a reply.

[TH Anonymous]

[SIZE="a"]

Originally Posted by Ennui.

I don't think you have to answer at this point, or only say "I can't do what you're asking at this point in time" and leave it at that if you can't leave later on Thursday. I also don't think that the part where they said the teacher is looking forward to working with you really warrants a reply.

Last thing that happened was that I reiterated that I thought I was available but turns out I'm not (I don't remember the exact words) Then she said "okay. Everyone will be disappointed especially the [family last name] kids" I did not answer that and I had a very stressful day at iop to be honest and that text in the morning definitely made a big impact on how my morning was and my day was just continuously hard and did not get the support I needed due to one of two therapists in total being absent. And just feeling like the groups dysregulated me more than were helpful.
So I ended up curling up in a ball and going to sleep with my clothes on and everything and then the supervisor calls me and wakes me up. She calls me once in the evening and once at night. Leaving a voicemail saying to call her back. I ignored both. I've been havinv a lot of "unusual" days since I started iop that led me to not meeting with my 1:1 therapist and Wednesday last week was my first day and I went to iop Wednesday, Thursday and Friday and Monday and i only met with my 1:1 twice and it was almost going to be no meeting with her on Friday but then I wanted to meet with her but I wasn't even as dysregulated as I was on Monday.

But yeah...I'm feeling veey stressed and her calling didn't help at all. I don't know hoe long I can ignore her for before I feel like it is rude to not call back[/size]

[Ennui.]

She said that everybody would be disappointed because she was trying to guilt trip you. She was trying to make you feel guilty in the hopes that you would give in and decide to work that day.

If you do call her back at all, be prepared to stand your ground, because it sounds like she will continue to guilt trip you like this and make you feel bad for having boundaries.

[TH Anonymous]

[SIZE="a"]So she sent me a long email today and then a reply update and some texts messages in 2 different places. Also she wanted to call me. I emailed her a reply, saying im sorry it is so tricky but I made a prior commitment and it isn't something I can change and I hope the situation resolves soon.

I also made a meme for good laugh. It helps to make it funny so it doesn't end up too sad.[/size]

[Ennui.]

I think what you said is perfect. You don't have to go into a detailed explanation, and you're under no obligation to call her.

Memes are definitely great!