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Lui Offline
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Unhappy A rant against school (feeling hopeless) - January 3rd 2016, 09:25 AM

I typed this as I was angry about how my school situation has gone(downhill) and just don't see myself being able to continue, only seeing myself as a minimum wage worker or a homeless man as a result. Here's the rant I typed, it chronicles life events to detail how I have gotten this seething hatred for school and to give context about how I am feeling:
I started well in school. Got A's and B's, was the teachers pet, and was able to relate more to adults than children, always being more notably mature than most others in my generation. I could admit that I disliked a subject, talked about how much I hated math, but was always able to do it. I worked hard, initially to grant me the foundation for my future, and then I found my calling. I was really good at drawing, placed every contest I entered, and even got submitted to art shows by teachers for peaces I didn't even like, feeling they didn't even represent what I was capable of. It was exhileratting. I had found my purpose. Alas, I had to keep working. "Want to come over and play?"
"Can't, I have homework."
As time went on I became less and less social, more and more quiet, though I always had my niche of friends who gave me the connections to somehow achieve status despite not fitting in with the others whatsoever. "Let's hang out?"
"Can't, have to do my chemistry class, maybe later."
Maybe.
Those "maybes" never happened.
School turned me into a socially anxious introvert, because I put it first, and was a good worker, and didn't get C's to drink some slushies with my pals. The school system made me this busy worker, who had no time to go out, and as such I am now uncomfortable with public spaces, thank god I'm into art, where I can express myself in my own little space. All this work, years upon years of concentration and wrtting constantly. I was getting tired. Middle school, where they lumped my schools people with the dirt of the earth, the lowest class of animal. Those who talk over the teacher, who play candy crush on their phones, those who will knock you over when class gets out because they're in a fight over girls who they would forget in a year. Thanks to no child left behind, I had to work with them. Perform "collaborations" wherein I do 100% of the work, while the girls flaunt themselves, and the men assert their dominance all over while slogging around like a tranqued gorilla. I was pulled to the bottom of the deep, by a shackle of incompetence and sheer stupidity. The school got what it wanted, they weren't left behind, they were dragged to victory at the expense of those who actually earned it becoming miserable.
My friends? Either fell into the social machine, becoming "G's", parading around with 13-year old "women" for that "mad pus". 13 year olds, just to remind you. Others got sexually assaulted, beaten, ignored, you name it. Teachers didn't give a single fuck, unless their boss was around to see them heroically stop some action, or reform a disobediant class, they didn't care. They just read a script so they could get their money.
At this point I have depression, school has completely ruined my mind, I'm sad and can't handle the hell I experience at that place. I now don't go to school, rather stay in bed every day for months on end. The school? Giving me F's and refusing to let me quit. Yes, they said I must have a reason. I got a psychologist, and she wrote a paper, and they said it was fake. My dad raised his voice, and they turned on some music in the office. Can't have their glorious credibility go down. He mentioned lawyers, and suddenly I was free to go, they let me finish on virtual school at home instead. Funny how that works, when money is involved, then they care. I didn't make any of that up by the way. The school is Johnson Middle School in Melbourne Florida.
At this point, I had already been socially conditioned in the wrong direction, and spending months alone and losing all of my friends, now I spent all my days alone except for family and the few friends that gave a shit of enough to actually talk to me, less than a handful. That hasn't changed to this day. I was also months behind, and had to finish the school year again, while depressed. Luckily, I was able to pull myself together and somehow complete the half year again and then decided to keep doing virtual school for years to come. I had improved, my depression lessened, but virtual classes were too much work. I decided to go back to school; real school, so that I could make friends and not drown in the workload. I went, and wouldn't you know it, I had become so socially anxious that I was a perpetual panic attack, full of fear and anxiety, and the bossiness of the teachers didn't help. I thought learning was about caressing the imagination of a child, not about a militaristic, stern control, barking at students, making threats, and making bathroom passes a penalty, making students piss themselves so that their parents don't beat the shit out of them when they get a D because the subject was covered while they were busy experiencing human rights away from the classroom. I couldn't handle it. Yet again, I was missing school, and simply couldn't go back; again.
It happened again, I am behind and have to work with this virtual class. Knowing how much work it'd be, I decided to only take a couple classes. I am behind, if I were taking all the classes I'd be behind, but taking half classes? What does that make me, four times behind? It's going to take me two years at this rate to finish one! I'm back at square one. I'd think that being such a good student would grant me a pass, "okay, you're havin' a bad time, just take the rest of the year off, and next year, we'll pick it up again." But no, the school system has done absolutely nothing for me. What happened to no child left behind? I don't see them making the effort to help me that I made when those braindead imps where holding me back. It abandoned me, I'm nothing. It gave me two mental conditions and forgot me, like a guy who beats his wife and then leaves her because of her bashed in face. What the fuck am I going to do? I'm just fucked. This is a message, a plea, from a soon to be starving homeless man, weeping on a street corner, melting away. Are they going to help? I tried my ass off for years, suffered, injured myself, sometimes stayed up for more than fourty hours in an attempt to catch up, and I'm not doing it again. This time, they need to expend the effort, not me. Will they?
   
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Re: A rant against school (feeling hopeless) - January 3rd 2016, 11:14 AM

One major issue is that it sounds like you haven't been coping well for at least a year. A "good student" status can be lost quicker than that. I would see if you can begin working with a counselor or a psychologist on a more frequent basis.


I would also see what schools you have in the area that you can potentially try. Is there a vocational school option? One that can offer you a different course that is more skill based? What about sitting down and seeing if you can meet qualifications to take the GED? It wouldn't be a high school diploma but it would give you a chance to go to a community college though.


High school is tough. To be honest, most of my friends came from my jobs when I was a student. I wasn't friends with a lot of people in my school. However, I saw school as a task that needed to be done. You have to treat it as a job and do the work. If you do not want to try and catch up, start researching alternatives. It may require additional work on your end such as getting books from the library or Amazon on how to pass the GED.


At least in college, you have more options in what you can want to take. However, you still have classes you will hate and feel like you do not need. Taking the GED is a huge responsibility as the next step is some sort of training or college which you may not be ready for yet.
   
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Re: A rant against school (feeling hopeless) - January 3rd 2016, 09:13 PM

Quote:
One major issue is that it sounds like you haven't been coping well for at least a year. A "good student" status can be lost quicker than that. I would see if you can begin working with a counselor or a psychologist on a more frequent basis.


I would also see what schools you have in the area that you can potentially try. Is there a vocational school option? One that can offer you a different course that is more skill based? What about sitting down and seeing if you can meet qualifications to take the GED? It wouldn't be a high school diploma but it would give you a chance to go to a community college though.


High school is tough. To be honest, most of my friends came from my jobs when I was a student. I wasn't friends with a lot of people in my school. However, I saw school as a task that needed to be done. You have to treat it as a job and do the work. If you do not want to try and catch up, start researching alternatives. It may require additional work on your end such as getting books from the library or Amazon on how to pass the GED.


At least in college, you have more options in what you can want to take. However, you still have classes you will hate and feel like you do not need. Taking the GED is a huge responsibility as the next step is some sort of training or college which you may not be ready for yet.

I still get A's, I'm just not able to keep up with the work. I also have a psychologist, but my mom won't take me to her, whether it be because of money or if she doesn't think it's worth it, she always says "oh, she's booked. I'll book the closest thing," which after the 30th time over the course of months is clearly not the case.
I had not heard of vocational schools (except for trade schools) so thanks for the recommendation, I will absolutely have to go to one of those at some point. My worry with the GED is that I will end up hating college more than highschool and will progress just as slowly, and I would prefer to either get to the end of highschool or take a GED and college.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I was once able to catch up and make time, now I'm super behind and just can't work. I'm really hoping a phase kicks in where I just want to work for hours on end, it's happened before, and I'm going to need it because I currently cannot stand school. I just find it so monotonous and mind numbing that I simply can't deal with it. It really has ruined my life, I despise it, and at this point I just want them to do something, but just like my mom not taking me to my psychologist, I have to do everything myself, and I've been overworked to the point of laziness and a fixation on needing a break, but the world's still spinning. It's like I've been turned from a positive to a negative, and I can't meet up with the negative charge that is the world anymore, so there's just no power, or hope, to be seen.
   
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