Triggering: Maybe I should've been the one dead

[NeuroBeautiful]

I can't get a job just yet
I know you want me to find one already

I can't go to treatment
For more than one hour a week;
you just won't let me

And maybe I can sneak
Maybe I can reach the peak, alone
Without treatment
Maybe I am attention seeking
And I shouldn't reach out
Climb out of the hole, alone
For you, I am not even in a hole
You have no idea
You hold a shovel in one hand
While pointing your finger at me with the other
For you my dark hole is not real

I have been an attention seeker
I sought attention, that's what I did
So much guilt, shame, punishment
How dare I care about myself?

No way to escape, no sense of safety
Trying to help myself
Lack of foundation from family,
Finding a clubhouse for refuge,
Not feeling safe in refuge, it takes getting used to

Coming home to a fight when i tried so hard to keep the peace, tried so hard to go into recovery
They said I was the problem so I just had to fix myself and things would be fine
But I saw it so big glaring at me, manipulative statemwnts, I didn't want the old ways. I said stop I know your games, just stop it.
Shaking, couldnt take it anymore
I didn't believe the way this argument was going, the flow was the same old path I learned to recognize as a red flag. How do I keep ending up in the same mishap. I see your games, stop it stop it now.
How did this happen again?
Is it becsuse I deserve to be caught in a trap?
Can't catch a breath till I unglued myself only to step into another one?

There's nothing worth fighting for, I said as,
I used the blade for relief
Split second of wanting to stop myself, then blank
Just blank and cutting cutting cutting till i was seeing everything in red
Put on a red sweater leaving in tears to the library to wash off the wound
25 minutes walking
Called the helpline panicked
No words, just blood, scared, blood, scared, no other words could be said

Wait near the rite aid, you'll get medical attention
In my head, attention=deserves punishment
So I said no I'm fine. It stopped bleeding
But I wasn't breathing in and out
I was hyperventilating
He didn't believe me
I sounded too frightened
He waited on the phone with me
Said I had to keep talking to make sure I was still with him
Couldn't talk just couldn't

The EMT took my belongings, my phone, my ID
Found a poem I erote and started reading itsaid it made no sense
"Who is baba?" They wondered among themselves
But never spoke to me. Baba is the Arabic word for papa. Baba is my father. I wrote a poem about him because he made me walk in the rain a day prior
But that doesn't matter to them.
Since they read it eithoit my permission and said it didn't make sense, I consider that unfinished poem void. Will never be completed. To remember their condescending voices.
They talked about how they saw maggots eating a person's head and how all I have were scratches. Thry laughed in my face the whole rode to the hospital
How they found a bloodied tissue in my purse because I was cleaning the wound while walking on the street. How it was only just one tissue
How they've seen SO much worse
I said why keep me sectioned if I'm not even that serious of a case?
Becsuse the way I cut couldve killed me
And maybe it should've
Maybe i shouldve been that dead person with maggots breeding in their body

[hocus pocus]

I am glad you're still here. <3 I hope writing this helped.

[Ennui.]

I can relate to parts of this actually.

I knew the Baba thing though, my friend is Arabic and she calls her dad that.

You can do this.

[.Brittany.]

I can relate to this a lot, Susan. Keep up the amazing work <3