Triggering: what was my original sin?

[NeuroBeautiful]

What was the original sin?
Before I started yelling
Before I started slamming doors,
I was a timid child, frightened of the world.
I had no intention to be wild, or out of control.
Before I developed intense anger,
Fear consuming me was all I had known
I would hide away when I sensed danger was near
And danger was all around but the adults were most feared
And now, my biggest fear has come true; I am a scary adult too

What was the original sin?
We were four young children,
I am second in birth order,
Although in some ways, more
independent and mature.
I was forced to babysit, I was six
I made a terrible mistake,
my sister had to get sixteen stitches
Had the cut gotten slightly deeper,
She would've hit a nerve
"You could've killed her" was completely true

But is this incident the reason I am treated so different?
Is this why my aunts, uncles, grandparents get my sisters gifts
While singling me out.
They give gifts for birthdays, holidays, graduating college and even "just because"
And year after year I would be singled out from their love.
Is this the reason my father glares at me with such resentment?
That if he know how I would "turn out" he wouldn't have had a second child.
Is this what he is holding against me or is there something more?
Was it that time I told him "shut up" at age 9 that he still brings up?
Or was it something I am not remembering? Something terrible I had done that I am not aware of?

Before I was the yelling, fighting, answering back teenager,
I was scared and alone. That did not change
What changed was that I had hope and I put so much effort.
I really wanted my family involved in my life and I really tried to be in my family's life too.
I watch, as they give my sisters present after present.
Their way of showing their nieces are remembered and cared for.
They remember the birthdays, the graduations and the daily moments
But it is also their way of showing that one niece IS forgotten about.
It is going to be my birthday soon.
And all I can do is dread the resurfacing pain.
As I try to understand, what was my original sin?

[Svisttt]

Holyyyy crap. This was stunning! I hope you're well and that this helped.

[Ennui.]

This was really thought provoking for me and really well-written.

I agree with everyone else! This was really well done and quite thought provoking. I hope you are doing well.

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

This was lovely! I always enjoy what you write. Hugs.

[Storyteller.]

I love the repetition and how you explore the question but never explicitly answer it. Thanks for sharing, and I hope writing this helped you feel a little better.