Only One

[NeuroBeautiful]

Would only one be so bad?
Would only one ruin my record?
I have a clean track of 2 years and several months
Would only one cancel out the progress I've had?

I don't want to appear weak
in front of my friends
I don't want to keep it hidden and have them inadvertently find out
I don't want to lose them when they find out I am not doing so well

I remember my social worker from 3 years ago
Vouching on my behalf that if I was given a safe place to live,
my self harm habits would all but seize
I was granted a safe place and I knew I couldn't disappoint him
I had to show what he said was true

I came to be known as the first resident
Who had moved out in a healthy way
The residents looked up to me; inspired by my strength
I cannot disappoint them now or ever

I don't want to start over; I don't want to throw my progress away
Not wanting to mess up is no longer sustaining me
I need a reason to triumph rather than to barely avoid

When I am not busy with work I curl up in a ball
Blanket over my head
Begging for the pain to end
Sometimes I realize how addicted I still am
The cravings don't stop coursing through my body
I want to be free and I am not

In between gasps for air and shaking episodes
I ask myself: What would be so bad about only one superficial cut anyway?

[Everglow.]

I can really see the emotion in this piece of writing and I can definitely understand how some of that can feel. Writing seems like a really helpful way of getting that emotion out, so I hope it helped you a bit to put it into words. If you're ever in need of support please don't feel like you can't ask for it here.

Thank you for sharing this!

[NeuroBeautiful]

Originally Posted by Everglow.

I can really see the emotion in this piece of writing and I can definitely understand how some of that can feel. Writing seems like a really helpful way of getting that emotion out, so I hope it helped you a bit to put it into words. If you're ever in need of support please don't feel like you can't ask for it here.

Thank you for sharing this!

Thank you.

I'm running thin on my coping skills. I went to sleep past 1am trying to fight this. Writing did help but I need a stronger "dose" and that doesn't necessarily happen with creative work. I have also been doing visual art. And I take tattooed myself where my old scars are.

[Dawn.]

This is such a strong, expressive piece of writing!

[Ennui.]

I can definitely relate to a lot of this. I hope some of the mechanisms you've tried as alternatives are helping <3

[Celyn]

Thank you for sharing. Hope you are okay

There's a lot of emotion expressed in this. I am glad you shared. I always enjoy reading your work!!! Keep on posting!

[Arabesque- golfing girl.]

This was lovely, thank you so much for sharing with us