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LGBT, Sexuality and Gender Identity Whether you're LGBT, questioning, have gender identity issues, or have entirely unrelated feelings, this forum is here to help.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Jennaholt Offline
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My friend would hate me if he knew I was bisexual - March 11th 2021, 10:24 AM

My friend (also my coach) just recently stated that he hates queer people and that he would kill them if he could. I explained to him that it's normal and not a choice. And he said that I may be right but it just disgusts him that 2 people of the same sex could kiss each other/have sex with each other. Again, I said it's their lives and that he has no right to comment on who they are attracted to. He said that my explanation was fair enough.
But 2 days later, he brought it up while we were having a conversation and he again said, "I hate gays/lesbians. I just want to kill all of them." He adores me as a person and also as a student. I'm the "teacher's pet."
So I told him that I'm bi - half jokingly and half coming out. And asked him if he would kill me too, since he adores me so much.
He lost it. He was like you can't be serious, tell me that you're kidding. I know you're joking but please I need to hear you say that you're not bi.
I told him to relax and that he needn't react that way. He said that he knows I'm straight but that he just needed to hear that. At this point, I told him it was a joke. And then he was relieved.
Next day at class, he was himself but I couldn't shake the thought of him hating me. Everytime he spoke to me and told me how well I'm doing, all I could think was that he would hate me if he knew the truth.

I've never struggled with coming out before - also because everyone who knows is very supportive and I've never had the need to come out. I don't feel like going to class anymore. I just want to tell him the truth. But he's the best coach in town and I know I'll lose interest if I join another place and eventually quit. But not telling him the truth also feels like I'm fooling him into believing I'm someone I'm not (I know I'm still the same person but he wouldn't think I am), and I also feel like hiding it is being disrespectful to myself.

I don't think he'll ever come around. And I don't want to quit. I have severe depressive episodes and this is the only thing that keeps me together at that time. It's also something I wanted to do professionally. What do I do?
   
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Re: My friend would hate me if he knew I was bisexual - March 11th 2021, 05:35 PM

I understand how difficult a situation this must be for you. You care deeply for him as a friend, but his services are extremely good. I know how difficult it can be to be torn between two things we really want, and not be sure which is the best direction to go towards.

I don't think there is any good way to resolve your situation. I feel it' more of a case in which you need to decide which you want the most, his friendship and coaching, or to not hide and be truthful to yourself.

In my workplace I don't reveal my sexuality. So far, my co-workers all thing I'm straight. I've had experiences with men and have discussed it with my female co-workers. No one would believe me as anything other than straight. In one way I admit I do feel restricted. I can't be myself. I can't just admire and be openly attracted to other women because of my environment. The majority of people at my workplace are male. I get approached my a few men asking to talk to me on a more personal level. Naturally I'm not interested because I identify as gay. However, being open about this isn't in my best interest. While my company has a policy that aims to protect LGBT+ individuals, it doesn't mean to say I won't be mistreated.

I have the option of opening up to my colleagues and my workplace so everyone knows my sexuality and I can be free, and myself... all whilst knowing that my sexuality may not be accepted or even have dire consequences. Or, I can keep it to myself without risking verbal/physical abuse.

In a situation such as this, I feel it's more of a need-to-know basis. I've outweighed the pros and cons of both sides and determined that letting people believe I'm straight is the better course of action for the sake of my job, my own safety, and potentially any friends I make.

It sounds like your friend and coach may have issues of his own relating to sexual orientation. Naturally people assume that those who assert this kind of behaviour are closeted individuals themselves. However, this may not be the case, and he may have had a personal experience with a non-straight individual that has clearly damaged them in some way and has produced a lot of strong negative feelings. As his friend, you could consider exploring why he shares these viewpoints. He's obviously respectful of you enough to accept your personal opinions on the matter, so perhaps exploring things a bit further could help?

You've seen how he will take the situation if you were genuinely coming out to him. It's clear that he is not yet in a good place to accept your sexuality. This doesn't mean you shouldn't come out to him, but could reconsider in when and how you choose to do it.

Ultimately it's your decision on how to tackle the situation. You know him best, and you know your own feelings better than anyone. If you feel like keeping your sexuality private from his doing more harm to you than good, then I don't think coming out to him is a bad option, regardless of his reactions.


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Re: My friend would hate me if he knew I was bisexual - March 11th 2021, 07:44 PM

Hey there,

I'm sorry that your friend has expressed such hurtful opinions to you. It's very unfortunate that people still have the mindset that even expressing violent intentions towards another person is ok for any reason, especially as a result of a sexuality they didn't choose, and which doesn't make them a bad person. I believe that your friends reaction was very unnecessary, and completely understand your reservations about being honest with regard to your own sexuality now.

Unfortunately, there are many people in very similar situations. While coming out is a display of pride and authenticity, it's important to know that you owe nobody the truth if it's going to put you at harm, either physically or emotionally. You're not required to tell people, especially if their reaction is likely to hurt you in any way at all. With that in mind, I don't think you should feel bad at all for not telling him you're bi. It is clear that his reactions are not supportive - whatever the reasoning behind that might be - and therefore it's unlikely to end with you feeling supported by him. It's also not disrespectful to yourself to not come out to him. You should always respect yourself enough to not be made to feel bad about things which are out of your control, and also very natural. Please don't ever feel like you owe the world the truth on something they're not yet ready to accept. It doesn't make you any less you. I'm not out to many people. Work, for example, don't know I'm asexual, much like Sarah has said above. And that's completely ok! However, if at some point you decide you would like to come out, it's completely okay to let him know when he's being disrespectful and hurtful. Perhaps if you do decide to go down this route, you could direct him to helpful resources or charities which can explain more to him about bisexuality and queerness, and normalise it for him.

I understand that you'd like to carry on with your classes with him, and with him being your friend as well as your coach I understand that makes it more complicated. Ultimately, there's nothing wrong with carrying on there as long as you feel you can still achieve some sort of happiness and satisfaction from your time there. I would pay attention to how you feel when you're there though. If you're finding that being there is causing you to feel stressed, anxious or depressed, addressing that is a good idea. Perhaps pull him aside and explain that his comments made you feel uneasy - you don't need to make it about your own bisexuality either; you could say you have many friends who fall on the LGBTQ+ spectrum and so your views are very different if you wanted. This way, it might encourage him to watch what he says and rethink how his words impact others.

Either way, I hope you can find a happy medium between your sexuality and your hobby and future aspirations. If you need anything at all, you're always welcome to PM me. Nobody has the right to make you uncomfortable as a result of who you are. Being bi is not a bad thing. Nobody deserves to be bullied or hurt as a result of their sexuality, and 'I'm sorry that your friend has said these things.



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Re: My friend would hate me if he knew I was bisexual - March 12th 2021, 07:03 AM

Thank you for the reply.
He understands that it's a personal choice of how anyone wants to live their life but it doesn't stop him from openly saying how disgusting it is. While I asked him why he hates queer people, he said that he had a bad experience with one man who came onto him. And to that I said that I've had a lot of bad experiences with men and that I could also say I'm going to kill all men but I choose not to hate everyone for the few bad ones out there. He understood that point as well. But still, "it's disgusting. I've always found it disgusting. How can you be attracted to someone of the same sex?"

What bothers me is that I've never had to explicitly say that I'm straight to anyone all my life. But he made me say it to him so he's at peace. I could have chosen not to but I didn't feel safe(?) and I didn't want him to judge me (since he views it as a bad thing). Now I feel like I have to hide a part of myself and I don't want to do that. I want to tell him but I know he's only going to see me as a disgusting bisexual. He's going to identify me for that and only that. Not for my other talents and achievements. And I don't want to be seen that way.

I also did tell him that I don't like him shitting on queer people as I have a few friends who are a part of LGBTQ+. He asked me if they're good people and if they don't cross boundaries. And then I told him that he can believe what he wants but to not openly express such violent views as it disrespects a person's existence.

I wouldn't be so worried about coming out if he hadn't repeatedly said that he wants to kill all queer people, not that he would ever lay a hand on me. It's just the level of hatred he has that scares me.
   
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Re: My friend would hate me if he knew I was bisexual - March 12th 2021, 08:24 AM

Hi there,

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. It can be hurtful to know that you care so deeply for someone and what they have said can be upsetting. It can make you anxious when a family member or friend expresses such strong opinions that affects you and makes you hesitate to tell them hat you are bisexual. You don't have to explain to him or justify what you do with your life - or to anyone in that matter. If you need anything, my inbox is always open.


   
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Re: My friend would hate me if he knew I was bisexual - March 26th 2021, 05:27 PM

Well, there is no escape from such people, I just hope that in the future there will be much less such people and everything will be much better!
   
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