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LGBTQ+, Sexuality and Gender Identity This forum is for you to explore your sexuality and identity, whatever that may be.

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Insecurities in a trans relationship - September 5th 2014, 02:23 AM

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Hey all. This is technically about trans relationships and sexuality, but I feel it has more to do with the trans issues than sex itself, so I decided to post it here. Feel free to move it if necessary.

I am a bisexual, cis-female who until recently has only ever dated cis-men and cis-women. However, a couple of months ago I started dating a transwoman. Because I have never dated anyone outside of the binary gender spectrum before I was a bit concerned about how things would go at first, but we really hit it off. She's a wonderful woman and I really like her.

In the last few weeks we have begun to take our relationship to the next level, physically speaking. I am wildly attracted to her and she is wildly attracted to me. She's definitely fun to be with. However, she is pre-op, and we have found that despite our attraction to one another she has a lot of trouble staying hard. We haven't been able to very successfully have sex yet. I do not take her trouble with arousal personally, but when I asked her what was going on she said she was dealing with a lot of insecurities.

The situation got more awkward for me when she asked me on the spot if I would still be interested in her if we never have sex. I felt very uncomfortable. The simple answer is yes, I still like her and would still want to date her, but I honestly don't know how I feel about it. Sex is a really important part of committed relationships and connection to me, and I'd have to do some serious readjusting if I were to commit to someone I knew I would never have sex with.

I like her, and I want us to be able to be intimate together, because that would be really awesome. What insecurities do transwomen generally have, especially regarding body image and sex? What can I do to help her with her insecurities? I know I can't fix them, but I would like to make it easier for her. All suggestions are appreciated.
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Re: Insecurities in a trans relationship - September 5th 2014, 02:27 AM

I would say experiment with ways of being intimate that doesn't involve the body part which triggers her dysphoria.

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Re: Insecurities in a trans relationship - September 5th 2014, 04:48 AM

Hi! I'm married to a trans woman. And I second the advice above. There are so many ways to have sexual activity that don't involve using the parts that trigger her dysphoria. It might take some finagling around with everything, but there are definitely ways. All I can suggest is communicating with her about what she likes and doesn't like, and what she'd prefer doing (and that you'd be happy doing, too), basically.
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Re: Insecurities in a trans relationship - September 8th 2014, 04:36 PM

I'm speaking from my own personal experience, which is as a trans man, not a trans woman.

Communication is important! Talk to her about what she likes and what she doesn't like. There are ways to have sex, or be intimate, without triggering dysphoria (for most people, obviously for some people dysphoria will be too bad). My partner and I have found ways to be intimate without genitals coming into it at all. It takes some experimenting and an open mind, but it is something the two of you hopefully will be able to work out.

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Re: Insecurities in a trans relationship - September 11th 2014, 01:42 AM

I dated a transman for awhile and we got really sexual with each other. The most important thing is communication. Asking what they like and what they don't like, what they feel like they want, etc. The first time my partner had sex with anyone he did it with his clothes still on, it was the only way he was comfortable with someone touching him in places that triggered his dysphoria. Your partner needs to know that you love them and that you're willing to be very flexible and understanding about their needs. Establish trust and establish trust and establish even more trust.
I think it's great that you respect your partners wishes and I wish you the best of luck

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