Jealous of my boyfriend's best friend...who is a guy and they're not gay

[something_blue10]

geez im 21, what am i doing on here?!

anyway, my boyfriend and i have been together for two years, nearly three years. i love him very much and he loves me. we have pretty good communication and talk our problems out.
his best friend, Blake, isn't really a person that i get along with very well. mostly because i have a complicated past with him as an ex-girlfriend, i try not to talk with him that much because we ended badly.
but this is my boyfriend's best friend. i can't be selfish. i try my best to put up with Blake; it's been a couple years already and we're both over the past. i just find him plain annoying now....but i still put up with him.
lately, the problem is, i feel like im not as close to my boyfriend as i'd like to be. i always like to think that im the closest person to him, but then when i hang out with the both of them, i feel so far away from my boyfriend.
my boyfriend has said it himself that sometimes he gets bored hanging out with me. and i was ok with hearing that! because we are two different people so it makes sense! after all, i get bored when im with him and he plays videogames for hours too
but then i see them together and they'll stick together for HOURS and never get bored with each other. they enjoy everything together...and then the way Blake makes him laugh...god, it kills me. the most i can get out my boyfriend is a chuckle... (he's not a grump, that's they way he is with most people anyway...)
i know Blake has been friends him way longer than i've known my boyfriend, i just have to get to know my boyfriend even more, right?
that's what i keep telling myself, but then a voice in my head says "they've been together for so long, how can you compete with that?" they're going to be together for a lot longer too (they're moving in together soon...) so their friendship is just going to keep growing and im gonna be in the same position everyday...feeling 2nd. my boyfriend even chooses to hang out with Blake sometimes over me...or even cancels our plans to hang out with his best friend...(even though im moving in a few months...not that far, only an hour, but still, we won't get to see each other that much)
i dont want to be that psycho, clingy, needy girlfriend. that's pathetic. i've talked about this multiple times with my boyfriend but i dont think he really understands my feelings.
i used to think that i was overreacting, but i talked to Blake's ex-girlfriend once and she was going through the exact same feelings that i am.
i don't want to have to give my boyfriend any kind of ultimatum that makes him pick Blake or me. i wouldn't want to put that kind of choice on him, but i feel so left out/far away/third wheel/secondbest sometimes that i dont know if i can stick it out. if he just wants to hang out with his best friend/friends and play videogames, he should face the fact that he can't keep his life balanced & if he can't fix it then he shouldn't have a girlfriend because he is just hurting me...
i don't know what i should do. i've had this conversation with him already many times and i don't know what else to do...

[taylalatbh.]

First off, don't feel bad for being here at 21! There's plenty of us here who are over teenaged years.

It does sound like you're in a bit of a situation! It's really great that you talk things out with your boyfriend, I find that that's the best way to be in a relationship. I know it's hard when your boyfriend has a really close friend, but that shouldn't get in the way of your relationship with him because that should be two different areas of his life, and he should really care about you and your feelings. When you said that he said that he sometimes gets bored of you, that striked up a big red flag for me. I don't see it as a very nice thing to say to your partner, as much as you're okay with it. I understand that you're not going to want to be around someone 24/7 but saying that you're bored of them is a little mean. It's fine to be two different people and still really enjoy each others company a lot of the time.

Don't feel disheartened that he enjoys spending time with his friend though. There are things that guys do as mates that a girlfriend just couldn't do, and vice versa. But he shouldn't be having less fun with you. That strikes to me that there's some underline issues in your relationship. He should really enjoy your company and in most cases I've seen, the boyfriend wants to spend more time with the girlfriend than the best friend. Usually it's the best friend who's having the issue you're having.

I don't think your option is an ultimatum for him, but he just needs to understand how his friendship with him makes you feel. If he shrugs it off or doesn't understand then you might need to reconsider the relationship. You should want to be in a relationship where you come first, because that's how it should be. And considering that you're going to be living farther away from him too, is that something you've thought of as putting a strain on the relationship?

All in all, my best advice for you is to try and talk to him again. He needs to understand how this is making you feel. If he doesn't, then I think you've got some real thinking to do.

If you want to talk some more, feel free to PM me.

[Brandon]

If you've talked to him about the situation many times and nothing has changed, this is a clear indication that the situation is getting no where. The only thing that is changing is your perception of the situation. Your boyfriend doesn't see himself hanging out with his best friend as a problem. He views more as you being the problem when you're trying to interfere with the kind of friendship that they have. In a male perspective, we tend to learn through past relationships that friendships are more valuable than relationships. It's not as difficult to find a relationship, but it's not an everyday thing where you develop a best friend. Best friends tend to go way back, and there's a lot of flexibility in the friendship where we don't feel caged like we do in relationships. In the end, best friendships tend to last longer than relationships...so we tend to hold those closer to us than relationships. The fact that he gets bored of you is a clear indication of incompatibility; as a result, he's obviously going to spend time doing things that are fun...in this case...spend time with his best friend. The only way you'll get him to spend more time with you is by doing the things that he finds fun. Essentially, you'd have to become your ex-boyfriend, Blake. However, that's a problem because:

1) you find your ex-boyfriend annoying
2) trying to act like someone you're not is only going to drive yourself to become more un-happy with the relationship than you already are.

Your boyfriend isn't gonna stop spending time with his best friend unless he somehow decides to do so. There is no convincing him, or trying to compromise. The only way he'd compromise is if he feels that spending time with his best friend is a problem and I'm fairly convinced that he doesn't see at such. If he spends a certain amount of time with you and you're both able to get intimate, he may feel that he doesn't need to do anything more than he does already. You and him have been together for over two years, and that must mean SOMETHING was going right at SOME point in time. So here's the issues:

1) You want your boyfriend to spend more time with you, but he isn't.
2) You can't accept Blake as his best friend because of your past relationship with Blake.
3) Your boyfriend gets bored of you...which indicates an incompatibility issue.

Regardless of whether you feel your feelings are justified or not, this is a situation where you gotta "put up, or put out." You either accept the circumstances, or you find another man who is willing to spend more time with you than with a best friend. It seems that what your boyfriend and Blake have is a beautiful friendship because they can relate to one another (hence why Blake's ex-girlfriend feels the same way you feel...Blake and your boyfriend are, deep down, the same person). If you genuinely love the guy and feel you're willing to make a sacrifice to accommodate his needs to spend time with his best friend, then you gotta do the same thing: spend time with your best friend, or friends. While he's spending time with his friends, it's no better time to go out and enjoy time with your friends; otherwise, he's gonna be having fun playing video games with a best friend, and you're gonna be stuck at home watching movies by yourself wondering what he's doing and talking about. Those kinda thoughts and curiosities lead to that psycho girlfriend. The more you worry about it, the more it consumes you. There's a clear imbalance in the relationship and at this point...I think it would be in your best interest to break off the relationship. If you feel he doesn't spend enough time with you and he's unwilling to provide that time you need, he's not satisfying you. The longer you stay unhappy with how the relationship is going, the more likely it is to fail down the road: either he's going to realize that he doesn't really need you in his life, or you're going to realize that the relationship is getting no where and the relationship has changed for the worst. Automatically, I'll admit, the fact that he gets bored of you is a BIG red flag and I think the relationship is doomed down the road anyway...and the incompatibility issues is what's gonna cause the relationship to end. I'm sure there are other issues as well, but that's probably going to be the main issue.

Essentially, you're either going to accommodate his needs, or you're going to find someone else. The choice is yours; I know either way it's gonna be tough, but you have to decide what is best for you and not what is best for the relationship.

[dancinfool]

First of all, it may not be an entirely bad thing him and his friend moving in together. Lots of people get on as friends, even best friends, but not as well as flatmates once things like bills and cleaning get in the way. And if they are already living together then perhaps they won't need to 'organise' as much time together, ie the time the two of you have together will be more your own.

However lots of things you've mentioned don't sound great either - I don't know about your situation but I from my own experience that doing 'long distance' which means you see each other for long periods but not very often can be tricky. My ex used to play keyboard while I was there which infuriated me as all I could do was stand around, I imagine him playing videogames is similarly annoying. None of us can tell you whether you should end your relationship or not as only you know what it's like. I think that talking to him to make sure you arrange to spend time together without Blake there (this doesn't have to be obviously you banning him from being around but just arrange to go out somewhere or DO something that doesn't involve sitting in their shared house. Presumably if he comes to visit you wherever you are moving to then Blake won't be around) is a good idea. I also agree with the above that you should make sure you have friends out of the relationship you can see when he's with Blake.

[something_blue10]

Thanks to everyone that replied! To be honest, my relationship isn't going as bad as I was making it sound...I guess I was just having a bad day when I typed it up. (Lol) But I do agree that if he and I can't find a solution or compromise to this problem soon, it could lead to a doomed relationship...which I really don't want. I want to do my best to try to be understanding; and at some points I do understand. He and Blake have been friends since way back when my boyfriend was homeschooled (homeschooled up to junior year in high school) and my boyfriend is pretty much the only friend Blake has had that hasn't turned his back on him.
Keeping that in mind, I don't want to ruin their friendship. All I really want is to put me as first priority more often. I would like to say this in perhaps...a passive-aggressive way, but I'm not too sure how to go about doing that.