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Relationships and Dating Ask here for advice on dates, break-ups and other relationship concerns.

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  (#1 (permalink)) Old
Jess~ Offline
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Boyfriend wants to sleep with other people - March 10th 2018, 10:48 PM

Not even three weeks into our relationship was when this first became a concern. He asked if I would be okay with a threesome and I said I'd be open to the idea. I genuinely meant it, but I thought that he meant further down the line, when we had grown closer as a couple. Not three weeks into what started off as an amazing relationship.

One day he randomly texted me telling me that he invited this girl to go out with us on our weekly date the next weekend. I was dumbfounded as to why he thought this was okay, a good idea, and why he did it without even asking me if it was okay. I threw a fit, told him I didn't care if he saw her but if she came along I wasn't going. He got super angry that I "suddenly changed my mind" about a threesome, but ultimately ended up deleting her number and telling me that he didn't want her if it meant he was going to lose me.

That has been a sore subject ever since, and his behavior then really turned me off to even the idea of a threesome. It was just concerning how badly he wanted it, that he was willing to rush it like that without even asking me.
Also, I always thought of threesomes as purely for sex. The idea of taking her out on our date as well seemed more like a polyamorous relationship. I asked him if he wanted an open relationship and he said he just wanted to be able to have sex with other girls but still date me. I was so done with him at that point that I was willing to try that, just so I could rule it out as something that would never work for me and move on to a better boyfriend. So I told him I would be okay with that, as long as I could sleep with other people too. He said yes, of course I could sleep with other people!.... they just had to be other girls. You know, the gender I am definitely not attracted to whatsoever?
I told him that was unfair, and it led to yet another fight over the subject.

It has been several months since then and we haven't talked about it in depth ever since. He swears that he has never cheated on me, even when we were on "breaks" or when we had a fight and broke up. He's not exactly the type of guy who girls are dying to sleep with.. even I'm not deathly attracted to him. So I do believe him when he says that.

That being said, this subject has started to come up again, and much more often. The last time we were broken up, I was hanging out with my girl friend at McDonald's and lo and behold, my ex/boyfriend came walking in and we made direct eye contact. He saw my friend, and he was still there when we left the place so he saw her body.
We got back together since that happened, but he's been talking non-stop about my friend's ass. Sometimes when he's cuddling with me he will say my friend's name, just to piss me off. My friend is bisexual, but mostly likes girls, so he thinks that means it's a perfect situation to have a threesome.

I literally grew up with this friend. I met her in my first week of high school and we've gotten so close. To me, it would be beyond weird and uncomfortable to ruin a friendship like that with sex. I know that for me and my friend, if we were to do something like that, we might try to make a friendship work afterwards but we're both way too awkward to make things normal again after that. Plus, I'm not attracted to her at all.
Not to mention that it would absolutely break my heart to see my boyfriend touching someone else.

I'm not afraid to admit, I am far too jealous to have a threesome or an open relationship at this point. There is no way I would be able to handle that. Plus, I already fear that I'm not good enough for my boyfriend. I constantly wonder if I'm not attractive enough for him or if he's just not happy with me anymore. And don't give me that "humans are naturally not monogamous" bullshit because that shit is disgusting. Obviously if we were animals our sole purpose would be to blindly mate and reproduce but we're not goddamn animals are we? We have feelings and hearts and can make connections and I don't think it's too much to ask for someone to just love you and not need to stick his dick in anyone else. Is it?

He says that I'm fat sometimes and is always telling me I should go workout. I started working out a lot more and he seems happier with me, but now he's trying to get a threesome with me and my friend and it really hurts. I can't help but feel like that means I'm not giving him something he needs.
I keep telling him that my friend already hates him because I tell her about all of our fights and how insane he is. I also half thought/hoped he was kidding around about this threesome shit, but it turns out that he's very serious. He got pretty mad on the phone last night as we were talking about it. I told him something extremely serious and he just said, "Oh that sucks." and then went on to talk about how he wants to fuck my friend.
That pissed me off already, but it made me more mad and concerned the more he talked about how he could get her to sleep with him.
The other day I told him that maybe we could all hang out at the mall one day, but I seriously just wanted to hang out with one of my good friends and my boyfriend at the same time. He thought I meant that could be an opportunity for him to get to know her and ultimately get in her pants.

I tried Googling about it and for some reason most people are hopping on that ludicrous "cHeAtiNg iSn'T WrOng" bandwagon. I read an article about why cheating should be okay because men naturally want to fuck everyone. So just screw what I want, right? Because I want someone who is okay with just me and who will finally treat me like I'm enough for him to be happy. Is that such a terrible thing to want? All these people are out here demonizing monogamy because "statistics show people cheat a lot, so it must be okay!"

I just strongly believe that if you actually love someone and want to be with them, you won't feel the need to have sex with other people. I don't care if it's purely for sex and nothing more. (And no, I don't think it's "cheating" for him to check out other girls or anything. I do that with other guys, of course. But after they walk by, I don't feel the need to run after them and fuck them, because I know I have my own guy. It's not that hard to not cheat.)

So who's in the wrong here, because obviously one of us is doing something wrong.


i don't know what i'm supposed to do
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  (#2 (permalink)) Old
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Re: Boyfriend wants to sleep with other people - March 10th 2018, 11:57 PM

Hi Jess,

I'm sorry to hear about this. It sounds like you're in difficult position and having a hard time with this guy.

Firstly, it seems to me that your boyfriend wants a type of relationship you are not comfortable with or into. He's obviously very keen on the idea of having an open relationship, whereas it seems to me that you would prefer an exclusive relationship. My response to that kind of situation would normally be to talk about it and see if there is a compromise you can both be happy with, or to perhaps see if one of you would be willing to try out the other's preference and see how you both feel after a certain period of time. HOWEVER, I think this case is different. Your boyfriend has not only communicated that he wants an open relationship, but he seems to simply expect that you will comply with this request/desire and that he can completely set all the rules and boundaries. That's not how healthy relationships work. It sounds to me like this guy is trying to or perhaps already has set up an unequal and unhealthy relationship here. You should have as much say as he does in how your relationship works and what you do together, and he should respect that. But organising a threesome for you before you've actually said that's what you want and telling you you can only sleep with other girls if you were to open up your relationship doesn't suggest that. If I were you, I would end the relationship here, as it doesn't sound like this relationship is healthy, but I don't want to tell you what to do, so if you chose to stay with him, I would talk to him about this. Be VERY firm. Make it clear to him that it is up to you what you do with your body and that if you don't want a threesome that is a choice he needs to respect, and if he says he can't, then you need to walk away as that's not fair on you at all.

In terms of the insults and his behaviour towards your friend, again, you are right. It's totally not on. I'm not saying it's a crime to find other people attractive when you have a partner, but constantly talking about how attractive you find another person (especially their friend) in front of your partner is obviously going to make them feel insecure and it's totally unfair to them. Especially if you are talking about that instead of a serious problem they've just opened up to you about. Calling you fat and telling you to work out is again, a big red flag in my book. You should never want to change your partner. You deserve some one who loves you as you are, because however you may feel right now, you're an amazing person with lots of wonderful qualities and you are worthy of love. Wanting to help your partner to make positive changes in their life is great, I think if anything that's a sign of a good relationship. But putting you down and trying to force you to change something about yourself that you don't want to for his own gain and to satisfy his own needs and wants is completely different. It seems to me that this guy is having quite a negative impact on your self esteem. Personally, I think this is the begining of an abusive relationship and I think you'd be best getting out of it. But if you do decide to stick around, again, it's time to tell him very firmly that this stops now and that it's not okay.

In terms of him wanting an open relationship and you preferring exclusivity - neither of you are wrong. Whilst personally I agree with your thoughts, other people have different opinions and want different things. Open relationships can and do work, but only if its something both parties want and if there's rules and boundaries that are mutually agreed upon. So its totally okay for him to want an open relationship, but what's not okay is trying to force you into one. That and the insults and lack of consideration for any difficulties you're experiencing right now.

If I were you, I'd get out and find someone that treats you that way you deserve to be treated. But if you decide to stay, I think you need to be very direct and firm about what changes and what stops in this relationship right now. Give him an ultimatum if you want to.

But most of all, remember, you matter, you're worthy, and you deserve to have a partner that treats you with respect and brings you happiness.

Good luck.
Message me if you need anything.
Honey
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Re: Boyfriend wants to sleep with other people - March 11th 2018, 08:49 AM

From a guys point of view: i'd say he's more wrong than you are, but it's a bit more complicated than that. In the beginning, you said you'd be up for it - probably without thinking and to make him happy. In his head, he thought "wow she said yes! I'm going to get this sorted right now" - and he almost did.

In a guys head, when you say something, you mean it. If for example you said you'll turn up at his house at 9:00am and at 9:05am you're not there, we're wondering what the hell happened. Guys take things very seriously - sure we wont be mad you're 5 minutes late, but we will recognise you were 5 minutes late.

I've actually had these threesomes you talk of - because I was like your boyfriend. I thought they'd be amazing and something like how you see in an adult movie. In reality, they're destructive and they cause the couple to argue more than they did before them. Personally, I say don't do it. And this is coming from someone who wanted it for years - it's just not worth it. You'll be jealous someone has touched him, he'll be jealous someone has touched you. It'll lead to arguing, then splitting up. Then regret, ughhhhh. The list goes on. Been there, done it.

If I was you, you've said you're not even that attracted to him, i'd leave before the situation gets even worse. It sounds like you're not totally compatible anyway. If he truly wants that and enjoys that kinda thing - he can get it from someone else, not you.
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Re: Boyfriend wants to sleep with other people - March 12th 2018, 12:55 AM

Ah, the OPP (one penis policy). It's one of my favorites in the world of non-monogamy: "you can sleep with other people, but not other guys (regardless of whether you're attracted to the same sex or not)." Honestly, this is a really crappy situation, and I'm sorry you're in it. It sounds like he wants the benefit of being with anyone he wants to be with without allowing you the same courtesy out of a sense of possessiveness; he doesn't want to be "tethered," but he wants you to be, and that's simply not fair.

Based on what you've said it sounds like this isn't really something you want. Maybe you said you did at the beginning, but there was certainly muddy communication about the logistics (asking that girl on a date for the two of you without asking you first was not okay), and it certainly wasn't made better between that and talking about how hot your friend is all the time. I can see why that would bother you; it's upsetting, and you shouldn't have to put up with it. You should be with a guy who cares about your thoughts and feels and isn't just trying to fulfill his own fantasies, and it sounds like that might be what's happening here.

It's up to you whether you stay or not, like others have said, but if you do you need to be very clear about your boundaries, what you need to feel safe and valued, and if he steps on them, either don't be afraid to point it out or, if he does it repeatedly, leave. There are so many other guys out there and you deserve better. You don't deserve to come in second, and you don't deserve to be taken for granted.

Good luck and PM me if you need anything else.
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Re: Boyfriend wants to sleep with other people - March 12th 2018, 05:54 AM

Hey there,

Quote:
Honestly, this is a really crappy situation, and I'm sorry you're in it. It sounds like he wants the benefit of being with anyone he wants to be with without allowing you the same courtesy out of a sense of possessiveness; he doesn't want to be "tethered," but he wants you to be, and that's simply not fair.
I agree with this, completely. If he wants to explore non-monogamous situation than he has to be willing to make concession and give you the same courtesy. If he is choosing not to give you that choice than he is being possessive and is not being fair to you.

Honestly, there are couples who start out monogamous and decide to explore non-monogamy. There are reasons as to why they try this but I don't think it can work if both people are not thrilled about the idea and if both people are not willing to be equal/fair. There are people who can explore the relationships in a healthy manner but this doesn't sound healthy because he is basically saying that you can't sleep with guys which tend to be who you are primarily attracted to and that means that you don't really get to explore it to the extent he would etc.

I can't say whether he is wrong. I do see some red flags such as him calling you fat. If he is truly concerned about your health their are better ways to approach the topic.

You admit that you don't want to be non-monogamous and it seems like he doesn't want to commit. I don't think anyone can tell you how to proceed but you have to consider what you want and what is best for yourself. If you want a monogamous relationship than he probably is not the best person to look for that from. I think you are the one who is going to have to decide how you want to proceed.
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Re: Boyfriend wants to sleep with other people - March 13th 2018, 04:53 AM

First and foremost, you don't have threesomes with your friends. Typically, you have threesomes with people you don't know and most likely will never see again. With your boyfriend's desire to have sex with your friend, he's showing desperation. Threesomes are a lot like the process of anal sex: there's the willingness aspect of it, the knowledge of it, the execution of it, etc. For the most part, if you've never had anal sex before, you can't honestly expect the dude to be balls deep in a heartbeat. And even if that WAS the case, you shouldn't expect to enjoy it. Most people who have experienced such, myself included, know that anal is achieved through a methodical process. You can't cut corners. You can't skip steps. It usually leads to discomfort, pain, and everything else you could possibly imagine. Not to mention, it can be quite embarrassing. Same goes for alcohol. There's things you should and shouldn't do. One of those things is having threesomes with people you know. Especially friends. Especially close friends. We all check out people that aren't our partners, but it's a different situation when that person you're checking out is someone you recently had sex with; not to mention the fact that your partner watched the session with their own eyes. Threesomes take an extreme amount of trust from both partners, but you also don't want to put yourself in awkward situations, either. We all have temptations and desires, but it's unnecessary to put ourselves in situations where it encourages those temptations.

With that being said, encouragement is the word of the day here. When you get into an argument over something you are rightly upset about (him inviting a girl with you on a date), you say that he can bring a woman, but you just won't be there. Encouragement. You asked him if he wanted an open relationship, got mad at his answer, and then basically said that it's okay as long as...again, encouragement. You don't put your foot down, nor do you fully communicate to your partner. While he is wrong in many aspects, you probably could've done a few things differently since you and him have gotten back together. Threesomes don't have to make relationships fall apart, but they do because people either get the wrong impression, have them for the wrong reasons, etc. But the fact of the matter is that, absolutely, threesomes is all about sex. There's nothing romantic about it. It's straight up carnal desire. The only connection you share with your partner during a threesome is the arousal knowing your partner is aroused, and is being aroused by another human being who is enjoying both of you. Having a threesome isn't going to make the relationship better, nor will it make it worse. You react how you want to with the environment you have created. But if you play with fire, expect to get burned. If you set yourself up to fail, you will fail. It's as simple as that. Common sense.

So the fact that he's rushing into it, trying to get into friend's pants, etc is setting yourself to fail. If he doesn't desire the success of the relationship, then he'll continue to push. He'll keep poking, you'll keep arguing, and nothing will ever happen. Either you'll break up anyway, or give into him only to break up later on. The only way the relationship can succeed is if he stop being such a douchebag, focus on the woman he has in front of him (you), and be patient. If you plan on spending the rest of your life with a woman, what's the rush?
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Re: Boyfriend wants to sleep with other people - March 23rd 2018, 08:48 AM

Honey, I'm sorry to hear this. Yes, all men like the idea of a threesome, but they usualy do it with random people, not a girl they're serious about, they would never picture the mother of their children doing this, but just a girlfriend. You should have been more clear about the Yes you said when he asked, he took it seriously. Now I think he'll always want it and you have 2 options: you do it and it will probably hurt your relationship or you don't do it and he'll go somewhere else. My advice, if a guy asks you to have a threesome 3 weeks into the relationship, dump him...
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