Triggering (SH): Unrequited Love

[Soda_Voxel]

I've been secretly in love with my best friend for a couple of years now. Over time, it has gotten worse because I know the feeling will never be reciprocated, due to multiple factors (especially since he is a gay man and I am a female). It's already been very tough, but I thought that just maybe I'd be able to get over it.

Then...he got a boyfriend.

I shouldn't be jealous. In fact, whenever I'd have a self-loathing breakdown I'd tell myself things like, "I hope he finds somebody better than me. Then he won't have to deal with me, he'd be better off without me. He needs someone who can treat him better than I can." but now it has actually happened, I am so, so miserable. It's stupid, because I already knew I had no chance. And I know I should be happy for him. And I am! He's always telling me how much he loves his boyfriend and how cute he is, etc. But yet that's exactly what hurts so badly. I have this crushing feeling that I'm not good enough for him, or anyone, seeing that somebody can make him feel so much happier than I can. My seperation anxiety and insecure attachment don't help this either. He talks less seemingly because he's spending more time with his boyfriend, which is understandable. But it hurts because I was his 'best friend' and the person he said he trusted the most and wanted to spend time with. It already hurt when he was talking about how much he loved all his other friends and when he's spending time with them - I know that's bad - and he's even much more closer with one of my other friends, who I introduced to him, than I was with the other original friend.

I am so embarassed. This is a child's petty behaviour over a stupid 'love' that made no sense and could never happen...and here I am, nineteen years old, in an absolute pit of despair because my love isn't returned, or, because some other people are making him happier than I ever could. It has just seemed to worsen my already extremely bad self hatred. It makes me want to isolate myself from everyone, to close off and go numb, and even hurt myself. I'm so pathetic. I feel like nobody will ever love me 'the most' whether that's friendship or romantic (even though im kind of scared of intimacy anyway) and it hurts so bad and makes me want to do unspeakable things

[Ennui.]

I'm sorry you're going through this! Your feelings are valid for sure. This is a tough situation to be in

The first thing to do is be mindful of your feelings. Don't judge yourself for any thoughts or feelings you have towards the situation. Notice them but let them pass.

Also remind yourself that there's a difference between friendship love and romantic love. Just because he does not love you romantically does not mean he doesn't love you as a friend, and that you aren't treating him well. The interactions you have with him are just different than what he'll have with his boyfriend because it's a different type of relationship entirely. Also remind yourself that you're not stupid. It's not that you're a bad person or unworthy, it's just that he isn't attracted to women and that's not something he can help.

Set boundaries. If you have him added on social media you can unfollow his posts so you're still friends with him but don't see what he shares. That way, if there are any pictures or statuses about his boyfriend you don't have to see them. It's also very valid if you want to take some space from him or limit contact for a little while, but if you do this it may take some explaining that it's not his fault.

It also takes time to move past feelings like this. Just because you have strong feelings now doesn't mean that you'll feel like this forever. It's very fair to give yourself time to feel what you are feeling and find ways to cope with it, but that doesn't mean you won't find someone in the future.

There are apps for dating and even friendship, and there are also clubs and social groups that might be in your city or surrounding towns. It's worth looking into these, both for friendships and potential intimate relationships. You'll at least meet people you have something in common with, which can really help.

[Dawn.]

Hi there,
I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing this.
As Ennui. has said, how you are feeling is completely valid as it certainly is a hard situation to be in.
I would also try and limit the amount of contact that I would have with him to help the feelings you have for your friend pass, if that's something you would like to do. It will take time, so give yourself some credit. It may be difficult at first, but it may help you avoid all of the other negative feelings you are experiencing.
I hope this helped and if you ever need anything, my inbox is always open.

[This_is_the_greatest_plan]

Im so sorry youve been through all this. It sounds incredibly painful.

If it helps, I can hear from the way you wrote this that you feel very "down" on yourself, but what happened here couldnt have gone much differently. Either he would have fallen in love with somebody or he wouldnt have, but he was unlikely ever to fall in love with a woman. Thats not a "you" problem, he could have been friends with any woman and he wouldnt fall in love with her.

I cant tell you to be kinder to yourself because only you can choose whether you do that, but if it helps, I can see that his choice of partner says nothing bad about you.
I hope you feel better soon, Soda.

[Ambedo.]

Hey Soda,

I'm sorry to hear that you're dealing with this. Having feelings for someone who doesn't return them can definitely be painful. What you're feeling is valid and it certainly isn't petty or immature for you to be upset about it. It's a tough situation to be in.

It sounds like part of what you're struggling with is the fact that the dynamic of your friendship has changed. While it certainly makes sense that your friend wants to spend a lot of time with his boyfriend, especially if it's a newer relationship, it's understandable that you're feeling a little bit pushed aside. Is this something you could try communicating with your friend? You could say something like "I'm so happy for you and your boyfriend, but I miss hanging out with you. Can we try to figure out a way to keep our friendship a priority while respecting your relationship and time with your partner?". If it's something you're comfortable with, you could even suggest doing things that include all 3 of you every once in a while. Doing so could give you more opportunities to spend time with your friend, while also showing him that you are supportive of him and his relationship.

As Dez said, it's also so important to remember that romantic love and friendship love are both equally valid. While he may not love you as a partner (or potential partner), I'm sure nothing has changed about how much he loves you as a friend. That can be just as, if not more, valuable than any romantic partnership.

Moving past romantic feelings for someone takes time, so be patient with yourself. Remind yourself that you still have an amazing friend and that, while he wasn't the one, there is someone out there who is perfect for you and will love you in the way that you want and deserve.

If you want to talk about this some more, please feel free to reply to this thread or shoot me a PM. You got this!

Take care,
Sam