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July 18th 2010: I MATTER: A loving home for EVERY child. Empower youths and support SOS Children's Villages. http://bit.ly/9vWNXa

July...

so i haven't been crying tooo much. only when i feel i have done something wrong. i am kinda proud of myself too. i used to call my boyfriend aaaaaaall the time & it would make him mad, but i didn't realize i called him so much. so yesterday him and his cousin left until the 30th or 31st & i haven't called him but twice. yes for me this is an accomplishment cause i usually call 10+ times. so yeah, and i think we just need some space from each other, but i hate leaving to go somewhere, but...

I HATE MY FATHER.

Is it bad that this is the first and only time I've uttered thosse words?

I never hated him.

Just feared him

"Respected" him.

I found out something today that is probably gonna mess me up inside...

Its sad...

Only recently, just very recently, have I stopped seeing her eyes...

Arianna has helped me so much...

Because of her I've gotten off cuting,...

Time to sleep, stupid stress

On Monday....

My dad has a "welcome back present"....

How much more can he destroy me?

How much more can he take everything away???

My life love happiness everything...

I can't go publically swimming cuz the bruises....

She can't see the way your eyes will light up when you smile
She never noticed how you stop and stare whenever she walks by
And you can't see me wanting you the way you want her
But you are everything to me

And I just want to show you, she don't even know you
She's never gonna love you like I want to
And you just see right through me but if you only knew me
We could be a beautiful miracle, unbelievable
Instead of just invisible, yeah...

I am very emotional today ( I know it's because it is coming that time of the month) but god I hate it... when it comes to this time of the month I find i miss him more than the rest of the time. I have been thinking about him alot lately and it is starting to drive me insane. Makes me realize i am not fully over him, and I should be because he hurt me.

You know that song "stupid boy" by Keith Urban. I was listening to it today and realized that, that song fits what happened...

There are some things you just don't want to talk about. Or know about. Or think about. Mostly because they hurt. Or because they hold bad memories and thoughts that will only lead to bad things.
Or maybe it's just due to bad experiences.
I mean, take love for example. I despise talking about it because to be honest, I don't really believe in it.
I mean, I know you can love your family and your friends, but when it comes to being IN LOVE with someone and being destined for them...

Tear me down and break my soul
take my life, Im spinning out of control.

My knees are weak and scraped to shreds.
My wrists black and blue from being tied to the beds.

My body wretched, sliced by a knife.
Someone please just come and take my life.

My mouth torn open, throat sore and dry.
I want to scream, please just tell me why?

My blood bleeds black, You stole my heart.
Took it and just ripped it all apart....

My hear races as your walking in the doors.
Im afraid.

You just give me that sadistic look.
Making my flesh crawl.

My arms being twisted behind me.
I can feel my body being bent over the bed.

Grasping the matress trying to escape your
forceful grip.

Suddenly I feel It.
A sharp pain in my side.

A needle pressed into my skin burning me,
stinging.

Whimpering in pain.
I still...