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So nice of you to drop by, thank you so much for doing so! In case you don't happen to know who I am, my name is Mark. I'm a 23-year old who's currently building a life that I want to enjoy for the long term. This blog is designed for young adults who seek guidance and clarity on the problems that life often throws at us. What you will gain from reading my blog entries is the wisdom that I've learned along the way that has helped me create and live a better life. You can absolutely do the same. If you happen to read some of my oldest entries, you will notice how I've changed along the way compared to now.
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Thanks so much for stopping by, have a great day wherever you are in whatever time zone you are in!
I want to remind you that we all go through challenges and obstacles. We can't go back and change what happened. All we can do is our best at the end of the day and learn from experience so we don't end up repeating the same mistakes.
If you ever want to message me about anything, feel free to PM me and I will answer back as soon as possible.
Thanks so much for stopping by, have a great day wherever you are in whatever time zone you are in!
Adjusting and Coping...
Posted October 11th 2017 at 08:27 AM by CrusadingAvenger
It's been over 3 months now ever since what happened with him...
It's been difficult...it really has been. I know that I have to live with the choice I made for the rest of my life, but I keep wondering...
What if there comes a time where he just calls me out of the blue and wants me back as his friend?
I've played that scenario many times in my head, both what it would look like over the phone, or if he saw me in person and sought the opportunity to say "sorry" to me for everything.
I don't know...
There's a small part of me that would let him back in even after everything that he's ever done, but there's a whole chunk of me that knows if I trust Jon again, he's just going to dishonor that trust and do it again.
I wish I knew why he is the way he is, but my guess is all that trauma and bullying that he went through in all his school life and getting burned by people who just used him and weren't really his friends shattered his faith in people. No matter how it may seem on the outside that he can be assumed to be a people person, he hates people. He stays away from everyone now, and I guess he just does the things that he's been doing.
I know to this very day he's still training martial arts with my friend Philip because Philip has briefly mentioned to me that he's been doing all the training at Jon's place during the last few times I spoke with him. I think Philip knows that since Jon and I aren't friends anymore, he does his best to not say anything about Jon to me because he knows how down I've felt about Jon. I don't blame Philip. In fact, I appreciate that he's been doing that and sparing me the burden of having to hear about Jon and what he's been up to.
I don't even look at his Facebook profile anymore even though he's still on my Friends list. I just feel like if I were to, I'm only going to feel much worse than I already do. Plus, what's the point? Jon probably has been posting some political outcry and other stupid things like "#fuckpeople" or "all my old friends are just peices of shit"
The friendship break up is still fresh in my mind, and from time to time, I do still think about him...
And it doesn't help me also that my (now) former friend Robert has just left me completely out in the dark and sticking a middle finger to me by posting a lot of pictures with his new friends and his family in a place where I didn't even know he was going to go live there.
Losing two friends in the same year...who would've figured?
However, I haven't been really thinking about the loss of Robert so much as the loss of Jon.
You know, if only Jon had a change of heart, stopped ditching and bailing on pretty much everyone, stopped lying and actually changed as a whole and be a better person, probably I would still be his friend.
But I know deep down that will never happen. I also know deep down that he never cared about the friendship as much as I did.
It's either I deal with how he is, or just walk out the door forever and never look back.
At this point, you probably already know what choice I'm going to continue with.
I mean, what else can I do right?
It's not like I didn't do everything I could to work things out with him and still be friends.
Sometimes, you don't really break off a friendship out of self-righteousness; you break it off out of self-respect. In other words, you owe it to yourself to get the respect you deserve. How would someone like it if they always had that "friend" that kept disrespecting their time, but then when it gets reversed around, that "friend" gets so pissed off he has to send you 50 billion text messages telling you that you have no respect for someone who's your friend, tells you what a piece of shit you are, and guilt trips you by saying that "he's trying to be nice to everyone, but somehow he's always the one getting fucked over?"
What kind of a friend is that?
And then all of a sudden a couple days later after that shenanigans, he sends you a long text message of how sorry he is, and expects you to still be his friend?
When you cross the line, there ain't no coming back from that. See, the thing that's always frustrated me about Jon is he's always saying sorry, but he doesn't really mean it. He thinks everything is completely 100% fixed with a sorry. Then when someone accepts his vague apology, he reverts back to his old habits and forgets what he said. Maybe saying sorry works sometimes, but only to a certain point. If he keeps doing what he's not supposed to do and says sorry and does little to nothing to make up for it, why bother opening your mouth to say a now rendered useless, meaningless word?
I remember one time when we were fighting over the phone, he told me "all he can say is sorry and nothing else, what else do you expect me to say?"
It's like if he's still asking me that after the two years we've been friends, he really doesn't deserve to be my friend at all.
Honestly, why am I even ranting about this still? It's like at this point, I'm just beating a dead horse. The story hasn't changed, and I've just been circling back and forth, over and over again.
I guess I'm still a bit saddened by a now broken friendship. I thought Jon would be my friend for life, even if Robert stopped being my friend and faded away (which he did).
I guess I expected too much...
I never really had a good friend ever since the beginning...
It's like when you call someone your best friend, you would think they feel exactly the same way you do, and you think you're going to be best friends until the end.
The sad reality you realize is...you only told yourself a complete and total lie.
I understand why people keep changing who their friends are because they want a sense of belonging to a certain crowd and don't want to be alone. It's why those people do stupid things just to "prove their worth" to "their friends."
I used to want to belong, but now, over the years that have gone by, I'm no longer concerned about such a thing.
As much as I miss Jon and how I wish he would change so I can have a reason to have him back as my best friend, he's dead and gone.
All I can really do is focus on what I want to accomplish, cherish the people who are still in my life, and make new memories.
And I have been doing that.
I guess what's going to really completely throw Jon out the window in my mind is if I come across a friend who is better than he ever was and will be.
I don't know who that will be, but only time will tell.
Life goes on..and I know I have to continue to go on too...
It's been difficult...it really has been. I know that I have to live with the choice I made for the rest of my life, but I keep wondering...
What if there comes a time where he just calls me out of the blue and wants me back as his friend?
I've played that scenario many times in my head, both what it would look like over the phone, or if he saw me in person and sought the opportunity to say "sorry" to me for everything.
I don't know...
There's a small part of me that would let him back in even after everything that he's ever done, but there's a whole chunk of me that knows if I trust Jon again, he's just going to dishonor that trust and do it again.
I wish I knew why he is the way he is, but my guess is all that trauma and bullying that he went through in all his school life and getting burned by people who just used him and weren't really his friends shattered his faith in people. No matter how it may seem on the outside that he can be assumed to be a people person, he hates people. He stays away from everyone now, and I guess he just does the things that he's been doing.
I know to this very day he's still training martial arts with my friend Philip because Philip has briefly mentioned to me that he's been doing all the training at Jon's place during the last few times I spoke with him. I think Philip knows that since Jon and I aren't friends anymore, he does his best to not say anything about Jon to me because he knows how down I've felt about Jon. I don't blame Philip. In fact, I appreciate that he's been doing that and sparing me the burden of having to hear about Jon and what he's been up to.
I don't even look at his Facebook profile anymore even though he's still on my Friends list. I just feel like if I were to, I'm only going to feel much worse than I already do. Plus, what's the point? Jon probably has been posting some political outcry and other stupid things like "#fuckpeople" or "all my old friends are just peices of shit"
The friendship break up is still fresh in my mind, and from time to time, I do still think about him...
And it doesn't help me also that my (now) former friend Robert has just left me completely out in the dark and sticking a middle finger to me by posting a lot of pictures with his new friends and his family in a place where I didn't even know he was going to go live there.
Losing two friends in the same year...who would've figured?
However, I haven't been really thinking about the loss of Robert so much as the loss of Jon.
You know, if only Jon had a change of heart, stopped ditching and bailing on pretty much everyone, stopped lying and actually changed as a whole and be a better person, probably I would still be his friend.
But I know deep down that will never happen. I also know deep down that he never cared about the friendship as much as I did.
It's either I deal with how he is, or just walk out the door forever and never look back.
At this point, you probably already know what choice I'm going to continue with.
I mean, what else can I do right?
It's not like I didn't do everything I could to work things out with him and still be friends.
Sometimes, you don't really break off a friendship out of self-righteousness; you break it off out of self-respect. In other words, you owe it to yourself to get the respect you deserve. How would someone like it if they always had that "friend" that kept disrespecting their time, but then when it gets reversed around, that "friend" gets so pissed off he has to send you 50 billion text messages telling you that you have no respect for someone who's your friend, tells you what a piece of shit you are, and guilt trips you by saying that "he's trying to be nice to everyone, but somehow he's always the one getting fucked over?"
What kind of a friend is that?
And then all of a sudden a couple days later after that shenanigans, he sends you a long text message of how sorry he is, and expects you to still be his friend?
When you cross the line, there ain't no coming back from that. See, the thing that's always frustrated me about Jon is he's always saying sorry, but he doesn't really mean it. He thinks everything is completely 100% fixed with a sorry. Then when someone accepts his vague apology, he reverts back to his old habits and forgets what he said. Maybe saying sorry works sometimes, but only to a certain point. If he keeps doing what he's not supposed to do and says sorry and does little to nothing to make up for it, why bother opening your mouth to say a now rendered useless, meaningless word?
I remember one time when we were fighting over the phone, he told me "all he can say is sorry and nothing else, what else do you expect me to say?"
It's like if he's still asking me that after the two years we've been friends, he really doesn't deserve to be my friend at all.
Honestly, why am I even ranting about this still? It's like at this point, I'm just beating a dead horse. The story hasn't changed, and I've just been circling back and forth, over and over again.
I guess I'm still a bit saddened by a now broken friendship. I thought Jon would be my friend for life, even if Robert stopped being my friend and faded away (which he did).
I guess I expected too much...
I never really had a good friend ever since the beginning...
It's like when you call someone your best friend, you would think they feel exactly the same way you do, and you think you're going to be best friends until the end.
The sad reality you realize is...you only told yourself a complete and total lie.
I understand why people keep changing who their friends are because they want a sense of belonging to a certain crowd and don't want to be alone. It's why those people do stupid things just to "prove their worth" to "their friends."
I used to want to belong, but now, over the years that have gone by, I'm no longer concerned about such a thing.
As much as I miss Jon and how I wish he would change so I can have a reason to have him back as my best friend, he's dead and gone.
All I can really do is focus on what I want to accomplish, cherish the people who are still in my life, and make new memories.
And I have been doing that.
I guess what's going to really completely throw Jon out the window in my mind is if I come across a friend who is better than he ever was and will be.
I don't know who that will be, but only time will tell.
Life goes on..and I know I have to continue to go on too...
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