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3 weeks in the psych ward (TW: Suicide, self harm)

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Posted October 7th 2022 at 08:26 PM by Ennui.
Updated October 7th 2022 at 09:02 PM by Ennui.

9/16/22 - Well, I ended up in the hospital again. As a lot of you probably know, I had been feeling suicidal for a few weeks now. I didn't attempt, but I mentioned to my therapist how I had a job interview and it made me feel more suicidal. She knew I had the means to go through with it and called for the city to do a wellness check on me. I tried convincing her not to by saying how I would be good for another week at least and had plans for the weekend that would keep me alive but she called anyway.
An officer showed up at my house even though I told my therapist I'd Uber to the hospital. The officer wouldn't let me Uber even though I'd already ordered one and made me take an ambulance instead. He had the ambulance park down the street so my parents wouldn't see, which was nice I guess.
I was going to go to my local hospital but the ambulance workers convinced me to go to one a little farther away because my local hospital doesn't have a psych unit if they wound up keeping me so I'd be transferred anyway. The EMT in the back with me talked to me the entire ride, almost 30 minutes, and I appreciated that.
I packed a bag of clothes before I left but forgot bras, so I'd be staying in the same gross bra for days.
The ER stay was better than the last time I went for suicide, mainly because I wasn't throwing up everywhere or blacking out like last time. I guess there are pros to not actually attempting? I was in the ER for a few hours in a specific holding area for psych cases. There was a guy who was in another bed yelling about inappropriate things. Eventually they put him in seclusion so nobody could hear him. They needed to do bloodwork on me and a urine test to make sure there wasn't a medical cause to my suicidality, and then they gave me Ativan. Thankfully it was my normal dose of oral Ativan and not IV Ativan. For dinner I had chicken tenders and a bag of chips, how exciting.
When I decided to finally rest I'd get disturbed by someone coming to take my medication history or to move me up to the psych unit because they decided to keep me. They had me sign paperwork, let me have a snack, and checked y skin, where they pointed out my week-old cuts. Then I went to lay don to sleep and they came in with my night time meds.
I have a roommate, A, and she seems nice enough. She tries to make small talk but I don't know what to say.

9/17/2022 - I should have been at the Big E with my friends and instead I'm stuck here. We'd been planning it for months and I'd already bought my ticket. I could be having fun right now but no. To think my therapist said they might not keep me. I knew she was wring and it would be out of her control. This messed up my second job interview and my regular work hours too. I have to tell the hiring manager and my boss tat I'm in the hospital. I'll never get hired at the new job that way, and I'll never get paid at my current job.
Outwardly my demeanor is pleasant but on the inside I'm just angry, at my therapist, prescriber, myself. I want to try to kill myself as soon as I leave and I guess I should tell them that.
A and I ended up getting along really well. She's 19 and likes Zumba too. We looked up videos of Just Dance on Youtube and moved to them.
I was also honest with the social worker when she asked if I wanted to harm myself still. I said if I were to go home right now I'd probably do something.
Later we painted sun catchers and colored window clings. I found out that A, as well as the other people at my table, were actually from my city. One actually lived right off my street. Small world.
My dad was helpful because he brought my birth control pills here so I could take them and not get a period, and he brought more underwear and said he'll bring bras for me either tomorrow or Monday. He also went to the farmer's market for me, finished the laundry I started before I left, cleaned the guinea pigs'' cage, and went to the laundromat for me to wash their fleece. My mom reminded me I'm "Her baby girl" and I don't know why but I didn't like that. All the judgment as a kid for my mental health and now she's all lobing? I know she cares but there's too much of a negative past for me.
I[m irrationally angry at my therapist for calling the wellness check on me and messing up everything from the Big E to my second job interview, to just more money at work. I know she had to, but right now it makes me want to tell her things less. The same goes for my APRN who suggested the hospital at first and then proceeded to ignore my requests for an Ativan refill without saying anything. I don't want to talk to either of them again but I know that in the end I will smile at them and will act like nothing is wrong or maybe I'll surprise The doctor said I could have my birth control here so my dad rushed to bring it up and the hospital pharmacy has my prescription, but the doctor never wrote up the order for it so I can't have it. The doctor also never cleared me to use my phone so I am trying to get things done on their slow loaner tablets and then trying to remember to log out of everything when done. The tablet also dies fast and once it does you're done for the day. It's frustrating.

9/18/2022 - I told the nurse I was feeling all right and didn't want to hurt myself but if I was at home I probably would. He asked if I wanted to talk in private after he finished his med rounds and I said sure. He came back to swab me for Covid but didn't talk to me in private . He's probably busy and forgot, but I felt ignored.
Later on they did another art group and I colored something in. Then was lunch. One of the techs asked if I was okay. So I said I was sad and she said she'd see if my nurse or the social worker were available to talk. Nobody came so I'm assuming she forgot about me, too.
LATER LATER on I emailed my therapist and told her I'm mad at her. She hasn't emailed me back yet but it was also a weekend evening when I emailed her.
I had a few people, nurses and techs, ask me if I was okay and I keep saying I'm hanging in there and nobody read through my lies. I know I shouldn't expect mind reading, but when part of what you're stressing about is as stupid as how you're going to pay rent when your parents die it's hard to verbalize. Tomorrow I should be assigned a doctor and social worker so maybe I'll tell them but it's hard to be honest with people instead of pretending it's okay.
I also don't know what I'm going to get out of this hospitalization. I don't know if the new doctor will adjust my meds, but if they don't then what's the point of me being here? To do art groups and sit in my room? What if I leave here and immediately want to attempt suicide and wind up back in here anyway, or dead? How will this actually help me?
My roommate did my hair and gave me some of her skin care products. She's really nice to me but I think sometimes she worries I don't like her. At art group she asked me to color her a picture so I did. I c9olored 3 or 4 pictures including that one.
I told the nurse I felt like hurting myself earlier but not at this specific moment and he only really reminded me that I am contracted for safety.

9/19/2022 - The doctor is adjusting my meds and I'm worried about how it will work when I get out of here. He is tapering me off the Abilify because it gives me trem0ors. He also is making the Buspar twice a day again, just at a higher dose so I don't have to remember to take it in the afternoon. So he's raising the dose of the Lamictal as well. Last time they admitted me I had to readjust when I got out so I don't have confidence in it working.
The social worker talked to me and there was a lot of talk about driving and self-esteem It gave me a lot of anxiety for some reason. It wasn't her fault. S he was very nice. I'm just overly sensitive right now. She said we will work more on the self-esteem part while I'm here. I cried a little but got over it fast. Or I thought I did. Just the crying, not the anxiety.
I went to find my nurse and ask for Ativan but she wasn't at the desk. The tech said she'd tell her for me but I don't now if she ever did. I went into the day room for a little while after this but it was time for group and I had to leave.
I couldn't join a group today because I'm a new patient and with Covid restrictions they can only have 6 people per group. For some reason that made me cry. I'm here for help and I'm stuck in my room. What am I supposed to get out of my stay here if I have to wait to get help?
The recovery support specialist walked by sand she said she'd tell the nurse I needed Ativan. I got it maybe ten minutes later.
I ended up talkin to S, one of the recovery support specialists, and cried again. She helped me find a book to distract me and stave off boredom, and then asked me how I was and I ended up crying so we talked.
After lunch S allowed us new patients to go do a group with her. We talked about grounding and mindfulness, and we had a good discussion. She asked if I was okay after and I said I was still sad and cried some more and we talked a little about what was going on. I really appreciate S and hope we have the opportunity to talk again. She really cares and as a recovery support specialist she's been there, both mental illness and substance use, so she knows about what I'm going through. She told me my feelings were valid and that sometimes we just have to cry. She said that it is healing to cry, for the soul. I'll miss S as staff when I get discharged.
After that, the other recovery support specialist, E, did a planting group with us where we plant seeds. Then was dinner, and a cornhole playing group, which was fun. Someone wants to exchange contact information with me to keep in touch!
My roommate, A, got discharged and now I'm scared I will get a bad roommate next.

9/20/2022 - It turns out the doctor isn't changing my Buspar
? I might ask my outside APRN to see if I only have to take it twice a day. I still don't know how this will work. I'm also just so tired. All I want to do is sleep.
I was allowed to go to fisty group today and we talked so much about driving and work that I got tense. I talked about the possibility of going on disability and I don't think she's for it. I don't know what to do.
I skipped the yoga group today. Yoga isn't really my thing and I preferred being alone. I read a book instead. I bet it's going to be noted that I was antisocial. I go to the groups and I still get noted that I'm withdrawn. The second mental health group went well though. We talked about barriers to recovery and stigma. I told S that she is very validating and she appreciated that.
My social worker wants me to sign a release to talk to my mom. I don't want her to, but I signed anyway so I didn't seem noncompliant. I kind of regret signing it.
My niece, M, knows that I'm inpatient. My sister explained in a child friendly way. I'm not sure how AI feel about her knowing but I guess it will help her know she's not alone one day. I don't know why I feel so weird about her knowing. Maybe her age? She's almost 10.
Forced myself to go to art group tonight to not look withdrawn. I colored a picture but the crayons aren't good and it turned out meh.

0/21/2022 - Neither my doctor nor my social worker seem to support the idea of working part time and going on disability. They say it takes years to get approved and even then some don't, and I'm still young and do I want to do this for the rest of my life, and they think I'm capable. But yet they support me working fewer hours. I need to pay bills. So I can't have one without the other. My APRN on the outside doesn't seem to support it either and wanted me to apply for two jobs a day before I went to inpatient. Only my therapist and a friend of mine on disability for mental health stuff seem to support the idea. They supported it at IOP as well, but that's over and I don't know if they'd be able to write me a letter or anything in support. I feel discouraged because I don't know how I will cope with work if my first suicide attempt was partially triggered by my work and even job interviews make me panic.
First group was good but we processed a lot on anxiety so I talked about my fear of failure, but I got a lot of praise for having my Master's degree and being so brilliant instead. I felt uncomfortable with the praise from the social worker. It was like she was bragging about me or trivializing my problems even though that was probably not her intent.
I had to fill out another safety plan yesterday. I don't find them to work because they are too easy to disregard in the moment. It's basically what the signs of me having a crisis are and who I can talk to, what I can do, and where I can go to calm down. It's not detailed and doesn't go into detail of coping methods.
Someone must have come into my room during first group because my door was closed and it was stuck so I had to ask for help opening it. Then all but one of my pencils was gone. I felt violated even though they had the right to come in.
We had music group and I just felt lonely. The others all got along so well and I was at a table by mys4elf. I didn't know all the songs but that's not unusual.
My social worker pulled me out at the end of music group and asked if there was anything else she could help me with and I honestly wasn't sure and I said that. It's like I forget about all the problems
I have in my life. I don't think I'm using my time here wisely. I wish S had a group today but music group took her space. I participate more in her group and find it more helpful.

9/22/2020 - I mentioned my skin picking getting worse to my day nurse and she wasn't concerned and said it's more habit and she messes with her psoriasis behind her ear.
I talked to the doctor too and he said he might add Paxil for the depression and anxiety since I haven't tried that yet. He didn't seem too concerned about the skin picking but did add the extra med, so...
First group was frustrating. Someone was anxious and kept talking, so I had to test my patience. It also ended up with how brilliant I am because I was the valedictorian of my high school and had the highest grade in my public health class as an undergrad. I still feel like my problems are being trivialize because of how "brilliant" I am. I talked to S about it and she thinks I should tell my social worker how I feel.
I slept through the social worker stopping by so I can only hope she comes back later. S also mentioned ketamine infusions and I told her how my APRN suggested TMS but they haven't gotten back to me. I ended up teaching her about the spoon theory and she liked it.
The social worker puled me out of second group which was annoying. She gave me 5 pages of homework to do about anxiety and target behaviors. I couldn't work up the courage to tell her about feeling invalidated and wanted to focus on other things besides driving like my struggles with getting a job or ways to get fulfillment outside of adult responsibilities, and allowing myself to do unproductive things without feeling guilty.
Then I found out by reading my patient notes that the doctor took away my Trazodone and replaced it with a small amount of Melatonin as if that's going to help me sleep. I got so angry I cried but nobody noticed. I' not going to sleep well and you bet your ass I'm going to have my APRN on the outside give me a prescription for it.
Apparently tonight is also a cry over stupid things night.

9/23/2022 - The doctor said he removed the Trazodone because he was worried about serotonin syndrome with my other meds plus that one, but he'd put he'd put me back on if the Melatonin didn't work. That's fair and I can't argue with that logic. He might raise my Paxil and Buspar but I'm not sure yet. I don't even know if I got the Paxil last night because the night nurse said that it's a morning med and the day nurse aid it's a night med. I'm just confused with everyone going on and wish things would stay consistent. I hope there are no more changes tomorrow. Oh, he also raised the Melatonin to see if that would help because I kept waking up last night.
The social worker gave me more therapy homework and I find it useless but I'll do it. She gives a lot of pages. I still haven't told her I feel trivialized and now won't be able to until Monday. I don't want to focus on driving anymore so maybe I'll use tother examples this time to change this up. She keeps calling me out of second group.
I got a new roommate too, N. She's very nice but I got used to being alone so it sucks to share a room again. What if I have to cry or talk to someone and she's there?

0/24/2022 - The doctor upped my melatonin since I can't sleep at night still. The nurse I had said she has anxiety too and her therapist said to use a rubber band and snap it when she has intrusive thoughts. She gave me a hair tie to do the same when I think about skin picking but it doesn't give the same sensation and I find myself ignoring the hair tie and picking anyway.
We had a games group and an art group today even though I interacted with people I was lonely. I had fun at the same time though. Then in art group someone wouldn't share the markers she was using even though they aren't hers and it wasn't like she was using every single marker at once and I would have given them back. It irritated me but it is out of my control.
Then I read a little before texting my mom but since there are no more groups today like there normally are I don't know hat to do with myself and I felt antsy and frustrated.

9/25/2022 - Not much happened today. Art group, games group. The weekends are uneventful. I was at a 6 for anxiety and depression today but at the end of the day it got worse. Thoughts about suicide again.

9/26/2022 - The doctor upped my Paxil again, or is thinking about it, I'm not sure. I am still too depressed for his liking and anxious,. He said I'd be in the hospital a few more days.
The social worker also went over my homework and said I did a good job, even though one of the assignments made me more worried. She didn't assign any more and said thank God I'm still in the hospital because of my intrusive thoughts. Maybe I'll never get out of here.
I'm still skin picking but it has been a little less since I started the Paxil. Maybe it is a good thing?
I'm also wondering if I should continue with the job interview I have with Webster Bank because if I get the job I can't do the DBT IOP group due to the job training requirements. But this is the only place that has shown any interest in me so what if I'm screwing myself out of a good opportunity
? Or what if it's not meant to be?
First group was combined because two out of three social workers were out today, which caused things to be backed up and rushed. W played Bingo and then in second group answered questions to gain self discovery. I didn't find it very useful. I skipped the planting group because I already have plants and plan to play Scrabble after dinner.

9/27/2022 - The social worker is going to call Yale about their virtual DBT IP group. I don't like the idea of virtual but with transportation being limited it's the best option. Then the doctor talked about IOL but I think transportation would be the issue. The social worker talked about how my involuntary commitment is almost up and how I can sign myself in for an extended time of care. I think I may do that but my paycheck/bank account are going to suffer.
First group was combined again and we made a house out of our values, supports, things we are proud of , things we hide, and things we want to improve on. I didn't find it helpful. Second group was the same, a combined group. I think it's going to be like that for a while. That means I won't get any use out of them. Then third group was a spirituality group so I didn't go, and there was no fourth group. I did go to chair yoga today though and it relieved some of the tension in my back, which was nice. I also got some reading done.
I'm still skin picking but less. I still wake up tired no matter how much I sleep. I'm starting to feel numb instead of depressed and anxious. I can't tell if that's an improvement. I'm also still worrying about whether I should cancel the interview I have and lose my chance at a job to go through with IOP.
I told my professor who I'm close with where I am and why. She said she needs me, she talked about making plans for things that bring me joy and maybe volunteering somewhere like a homeless shelter. I told her my anxiety is paralyzing and she said a lot of people are like that, even her. She said I might need to find a way I can walk to work and might have to move to do it. I don't think I'm capable of that right now, but I didn't tell her that. She's trying to help.

9/29/2022 - I spoke to the doctor and he raised the Paxil once more because I'm still depressed and it may also help me sleep. He was considering taking me off of the Paxil and putting me back on the Trazodone for sleep instead of the Melatonin but I told him I may sleep better in my own home. Here in the psych ward it is harder to sleep.
First group felt stressful because it was the first real time there were a lot of people due to Covid restrictions being lifted on the unit. You still have to wear a mask but there isn't a set people toa group now. There were a lot of people the past few days too but it was different because we did an activity. There are two group members who keep talking and talk to me and distract me. It is frustrating.
They messed up my lunch so I had to wait for my new meal to arrive and then there was second group, music therapy. It was okay but I was tired.
My social worker recommends I do the job interview and if I get the job don't do DBT IOP or TMS but instead see if my therapist can meet with me 2 or 3 times per week instead. My friend thinks I should do the DBT IOP or TMS over the job. My social worker is going to ask my doctor's opinion, but I'm so conflicted. I need stable mental health to hold a job but need a job to have stable mental health, but my mental health may fail BECAUSE of a job too.

9/29/2022 - The doctor recommended I do IOP instead of the job interview and I think I'll go with that. IOP would be 4-6 weeks long, and that's the one bad thing because I'd not have a job after that short amount of time. My social worker is trying to get in touch with Yale and the IO's IOP. The IOL' IOP is also in person once a week though so I'd have to figure out a way to Hartford. I probably would use the Medicaid transport if I get approved, but they're unreliable and I'd have to leave super early to get there. Yale's is entirely virtual.
I've learned that first group stresses me out for some reason. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's everyone talking about things they need to process but IOP is the same way, or at least the ones I've been to have been and I didn't have a problem there. We did a char yoga group as well. I'm a bit bad at it and don't know if I'd continue at home, but it s relaxing for the time being.
Second group went okay. We talked about how I signed myself in voluntarily. We also talked about negative words to describe people with menta il illness and turned them into mor positive phrases.
They messed up both my lunch and dinner orders, so I don't know what breakfast will be like.
Games group was fun. I played Sorry and Connect 4 with some nursing students and won most games . We had painting group first and ai suck art art.
A lot of the people I talk to are getting discharged tomorrow. I'll miss them and will feel a little lonely without them.

9/30/2022 - I got preached to by my roommate this morning. She's nice but very religious and she keeps saying that I should let Jesus in, and even believing a little counts. She said we wouldn't have love without God, and He's the reason we're here. No offense to anybody, but I'm an atheist and didn't appreciate it On the bright side, one of the girls from the unit gave me a painting and her number to keep in touch since she's being discharged today. She's so sweet so of course I'd love to keep in touch with her.
I don't think the doctor will keep me much longer. He mentioned the weekend and Monday. I don't know if I'm ready but we'll see.
First group was okay. We talked about childhood memories. Second group was better. We talked about myths surrounding anxiety.
The woman who coordinates interviews for the job I applied to emailed me to check in on me. I told her I can't do the interview and that time. She understood. I'll be doing IOP at the IOL instead. I really hope I made the right choice.

10/1/2022 - There weren't groups today. Normally there is an art group on Saturdays. It was a boring day and I'm tired. I needed Ativan around 12:25 AM to sleep due to anxiety.

10/2/2022 - Today there was a dog for pet therapy, a golden retriever named Ryder. There was also art therapy.

10/3/2022 - S ran group today and we talked about having healthy relationships with ourselves and others. I talked to her after about things: I'm afraid things are going to get worse before they get better and I'm afraid that I'm going to end up back here in a few months. I didn't attempt this time but I'm scared I'm going to attempt again in a few months anyway. I cried a little and she validated my emotions and how I'm feeling. She also recognized I was stressed out after second group and walked me back to my room.
My new social worker assigned e homework to do but said I don't have to do it all and it's more for me. I may do most of it at home because my estimated discharge date is the 5th.

10/4/2022 - I talked to the doctor and he didn't mention the estimated discharge date I saw on my patient portal. I'll have to ask him tomorrow. My sleep was a little better last night because he gave me back my Trazodone.
My social worker explained one of the homework papers that she gave me. I was being too general and that's why it probably made me more worried. She also called IOL for me and said an intake specialist will get back to her. What if I get discharged before they get back to her? I need a referral to start IOP there so what if I can't get it?
First group we talked a bit about Covid because there are now three cases on the unit. I was exposed to at least one of them and I have a sore throat so I was a little worried but I tested negative today.
Second group we started watching Hocus Pocus 2, but didn't get to finish, which was disappointing. Then third group was spirituality group so I didn't go. There was also chair yoga today, which was nice. Later in the night we finished watching Hocus Pocus 2.

10/5/2022 - I slept great last night with the combo of Melatonin and Trazodone. Best sleep I've had in a long time. The doctor said I can go home tomorrow! I still have a lot of suicidal thoughts but no intent right now. I'm still worried about ending up back here in the future for an attempt though.
In first group we did a gratitude flower where each petal was something you're grateful for. Others had some profound answers like forgiveness but mine were simple like my bed and home cooked food. Next was music therapy and a painting group but I did a word search instead of painting.

10/6/2022 - I was discharged today around 11. I found out S is leaving because she got a promotion so if I do end up back here she won't be around. I'm very happy for her but also sad that I wont be able to see her again. I'll miss her.
After I got home I napped and then ate lunch (pie, LOL) with my parents. I took another nap after that, and got my prescriptions from the pharmacy. The doctor only gave ma a 15 day supply so I'm waiting for my APRN to get in touch with me about when we can meet. She hasn't answered and it's 10/7 when I am writing this. I spent time with my parents. My dad and I have been playing Words with Friends nightly. Then I took a REAL shower and went to bed. I'm still worrying about ending up back in the hospital.
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  1. Old Comment
    Arabesque- golfing girl.'s Avatar
    Hi Dez, I am so sorry about everything that you have been going through and I hope that you are feeling a little bit better now. When you are having a hard time, try writing in a journal because when we are upset or feeling different things, writing out how we are feeling or going through can take some of this away from us because we are getting it out. Try playing with your little piggies, I know you love them a lot. I hope you will be okay soon and you know that you can always talk to me whenever you need to.
    Posted October 8th 2022 at 02:27 PM by Arabesque- golfing girl. Arabesque- golfing girl. is offline
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