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Still suicidal.TW: Suicide, self harm

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Posted October 12th 2022 at 01:11 AM by Ennui.

I am struggling so badly right now.

My anxiety is through the roof most of the time and I'm having a hard time sitting still. My stomach feels funny and I keep getting a strange feeling in my head. I'm having a hard time sleeping. My chest feels heavy and I'm depressed on top of the anxiety to the point where my motivation to do anything is gone. I still haven't cleaned the guinea pig cage and it's been over a week. I am having a hard time functioning at work and passed some cases on to my coworker, which I hope I don't get yelled at for.

I had intake for a DBT IOP program the other day. The intake was virtual but the clinician still noticed all the tension I was holding in my jaw and had me stop and do breathing exercises and exercises to unclench my jaw.

I'm cutting again. I've cut twice this week and want to do more damage, wish I could.

I also bought my niece's Christmas and birthday gifts already. This was in case I kill myself before Christmas and her birthday come around. I still want her to have her gifts even if I'm dead.

My thoughts continually go to attempting suicide. I just want to do it so bad. I'm unwilling to throw away my intended method too, so I just have it sitting there. I have a plan and a potential date range. Maybe things will improve by then.
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