My first three classes were today!

I had statistics first. He seems like a nice guy though he did make a slight sexist joke. He jokes around a lot though and I honestly don't think he meant anything by it. I'm scared for his class because the exams are basically the only thing he grades. He gave us a homework assignment and I made a mistake by accident and did a lot of scribbling so I did it out again on a separate piece of paper so I'm scared he won't accept it! I will...

Classes start tomorrow! I can't help but be nervous.

I registered for that club I talked about earlier. I had to call, because you have to have training in order to do it. The training is on September 13th.

I even managed to go to the counselling center and make an appointment! I guess since I mentioned past suicidal thoughts and some self injurious behavior, they made me talk to someone right then and there. Or it could've been routine, I dunno, but the guy said it was...

Today was better.

It was mainly just meetings and stuff. Saw two of my friends who are commuters, and some other people at my high school who I were never really close with, but we still talked. My friend said she may start up a Skills USA chapter here if she's able, so I'm excited about that.

THE SHOWER. The water is always toooo hot! I can't cool it down! And I learned not to take the very end shower because the curtain kept blowing open...

I signed...

I am mainly writing this here because I forgot to bring the notebook I write about my day's events in as well. I may just do the blog thing permanently. I dunno.

Today was better than the first day. I still didn't really get much sleep though so I feel like death.

Even though today was better, I still wanted to self harm at times and wish I brought my tool.

I haven't had the time to stop by the counselling center and make an appointment and probably...

Welp. I guess is the continuation of my earlier blog. Sorry for posting two in one day.

This day was...bad. Really bad. I'm starting to calm down now, but exhaustion has also taken over from not sleeping so...

But yeah. I moved in. That went fine. My niece was there though because my dad couldn't come. He can't lift because of the surgery. My sister didn't have a sitter so my niece had to come.

It was okay until the goodbye. I know I am probably coming...

So I have to finish packing and getting ready because later today I move in to college.

I had no sleep last night. I didn't sleep at all. I was nervous or anxious I guess, because any time I even got remotely comfortable I'd have an upset stomach or have to pee or my chest would feel all funny and scared, and I wanted to cut but I didn't.

But now I feel like hell and I don't know how I am going to make it through the day. I have activities until like 9 PM or something...

I've just had another breakdown. Over something stupid. My school's National Honor Society offers scholarships but apparently my essay was bad. If I don't redo my essay for this scholarship application by Monday I will get rejected for it. Second rejection I've gotten on a scholarship and I haven't even heard back from the rest.

Then there's the stress of graduation being soon, and having to say a speech so that adds to my breakdown. Plus we have to present senior portfolios soon....

I am seventeen years old. I will be eighteen on June 3rd so in about nine days. At eighteen years old, I will have as much freedom as I did at like, twelve.

My dad is 63 and will be 64 at the end of August, and my mom is 61 and will be 62 at the end of June. That means they were born in 1950 and 1952, and had me in their mid forties pretty much.

You can see where the problem comes in. Unlike children who were born when their parents were young, there is a HUGEHUGEHUGE...

I realize I don't want to be.
Or feel.
Or do anything at all.

Part of me doesn't want to go to college.
Or get a job.
Or drive.

I wish I had the heart to push people away.
But I still do care about them.
Just not in the right ways.
And far from enough.

Too many things are coming to an end.
And way too many are beginning.

I'm tired.
I wish I could lay in my bed for the rest of...

I wonder what it takes to qualify as "unstable" or a danger to yourself. I don't even think I want to get better.

I hate when you make a decision then realize the decision is bad and then you feel like shit. I should have finished the AP exam because now I feel guilty and worthless and like a failure for walking out and I've cried so much over this that I'm so exhausted now. I was crying so hard I was gagging. But even if I stayed I would have felt bad. I wasn't understanding...