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Urgh I give up.
Posted August 13th 2010 at 10:03 PM by LlamaLlamaDuck
I give up on the NHS, seriously. I understand that free healthcare is like a godsend to people, I get that, but it would help if the healthcare we get, actually helped
I had my last chance to get some help today and I blew it. Or rather, the psych nurse blew it.
I went there with a list, my friend gave me a list of things I should talk about. And I wrote them all down.
She said to mention:
- Paranoia, also in relation to eating. (I have to eat in even numbers)
- Suicidal thoughts/actions
- Self harm
- Doubt, lack or self worth, guilt etc.
- 'OCD tendencies' (Not so sure about that..)
- Voices
I had it all in my notebook, my notebook was open in my lap. He could see it for God's sake!
But no.
He asked if the paranoia I was sent there for originally was any better and I said no, it was worse. He didn't even bring up the SH I mentioned last time and basically just told me I was fine and didn't need any help.
So he sent me merrily on my way, trying not to cry, feeling very suicidal and just not even caring anymore.
What kind of doctor is he meant to be?!
I don't know how I got home without crying, but when I did get there I lost it completely.
I was...irrational. I wanted to die and figured if it was going to happen anyway, why should I care what I do.
So I sat and cut for a while, drank the alcohol I could get ahold of before packing a bag and going to my friend's house for the photoshoot we planned for her art project.
I think it's just the last straw to be honest.
My family are still being completely insane.
My work is just messing me about now. They tell me to call on Friday, so I do, they say they don't need me, so I make plans for the weekend and they call Saturday morning 'Can you work today?'
I haven't worked for the past 3 weeks because they're 'covered' and I basically can't plan anything for the weekend unless it's literally last minute plans.
I can't work like this, I'm looking for another job and when I find one, I'm quitting. Fuck you Greenside, I wish I'd never applied to work there!
Some of my friends are driving me INSANE. One of them had a razor (for shaving purposes) on her bed when my other friend was at her house. She picked the razor up and said 'I shouldn't have this anywhere near YOU now should I?' and put it away. Not only has that friend got the help she needed, but she hasn't cut herself for a long time and comments like that are the last thing she needs.
Another friend is just being so....URGH. She always wants to make plans to meet up or see us then pulls out last minute when the whole point was to see her because we haven't for months. This week she called and asked me to her house, I was looking after my brother and said no, but she could come to see me if she wanted, she said she'd be over as soon as her parents got home.
I waited in all day when I could have taken my brother out somewhere, waiting for her to call or show up and she didn't
That was Wednesday. I'm still waiting to hear from her.
I'm just so sick of all of this, it feels like everyone is just taking advantage of me right now and I can't talk to ANYONE without finding reasons for them to hate me in their words.
I really don't want to be here anymore.
I don't want to live like this and despite asking for help, no one is willing. What am I supposed to do? Show up after taking another overdose and see if they'll help me then? Because I'm too close to that already.
This is ridiculous.
People keep saying 'You need to get help, you're slowly killing yourself'
Right now, I really don't care. Come and get me death, I'm a sitting duck!
I had my last chance to get some help today and I blew it. Or rather, the psych nurse blew it.
I went there with a list, my friend gave me a list of things I should talk about. And I wrote them all down.
She said to mention:
- Paranoia, also in relation to eating. (I have to eat in even numbers)
- Suicidal thoughts/actions
- Self harm
- Doubt, lack or self worth, guilt etc.
- 'OCD tendencies' (Not so sure about that..)
- Voices
I had it all in my notebook, my notebook was open in my lap. He could see it for God's sake!
But no.
He asked if the paranoia I was sent there for originally was any better and I said no, it was worse. He didn't even bring up the SH I mentioned last time and basically just told me I was fine and didn't need any help.
So he sent me merrily on my way, trying not to cry, feeling very suicidal and just not even caring anymore.
What kind of doctor is he meant to be?!
I don't know how I got home without crying, but when I did get there I lost it completely.
I was...irrational. I wanted to die and figured if it was going to happen anyway, why should I care what I do.
So I sat and cut for a while, drank the alcohol I could get ahold of before packing a bag and going to my friend's house for the photoshoot we planned for her art project.
I think it's just the last straw to be honest.
My family are still being completely insane.
My work is just messing me about now. They tell me to call on Friday, so I do, they say they don't need me, so I make plans for the weekend and they call Saturday morning 'Can you work today?'
I haven't worked for the past 3 weeks because they're 'covered' and I basically can't plan anything for the weekend unless it's literally last minute plans.
I can't work like this, I'm looking for another job and when I find one, I'm quitting. Fuck you Greenside, I wish I'd never applied to work there!
Some of my friends are driving me INSANE. One of them had a razor (for shaving purposes) on her bed when my other friend was at her house. She picked the razor up and said 'I shouldn't have this anywhere near YOU now should I?' and put it away. Not only has that friend got the help she needed, but she hasn't cut herself for a long time and comments like that are the last thing she needs.
Another friend is just being so....URGH. She always wants to make plans to meet up or see us then pulls out last minute when the whole point was to see her because we haven't for months. This week she called and asked me to her house, I was looking after my brother and said no, but she could come to see me if she wanted, she said she'd be over as soon as her parents got home.
I waited in all day when I could have taken my brother out somewhere, waiting for her to call or show up and she didn't
That was Wednesday. I'm still waiting to hear from her.
I'm just so sick of all of this, it feels like everyone is just taking advantage of me right now and I can't talk to ANYONE without finding reasons for them to hate me in their words.
I really don't want to be here anymore.
I don't want to live like this and despite asking for help, no one is willing. What am I supposed to do? Show up after taking another overdose and see if they'll help me then? Because I'm too close to that already.
This is ridiculous.
People keep saying 'You need to get help, you're slowly killing yourself'
Right now, I really don't care. Come and get me death, I'm a sitting duck!
Total Comments 1
Comments
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Aw, Nat, this sucks that this has happened. And ugh, as I said before, that psych nurse you seen sounds like a complete idiot. Not everyone on the NHS are that bad =(. Maybe you could see someone else?Posted August 14th 2010 at 10:32 AM by Power Cosmic
