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Tired of crying, sick of trying

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Posted July 20th 2011 at 06:47 AM by Lovespentinthedark

I am trying so damn hard. I can't take this. I'm supposed to be recovering?! If I could find my damn razor, I would cut myself. I have been cut free for how long now, and as soon as I want to do it, I can't. I am tired of hiding everything from everyone I know. Especially my wonderful, loving boyfriend. I HATE hiding things from him. We have been together for 2 years and 6 months, and yet I hide this from him.
Plus, he leaves in less than 2 months for Marines basic training and then he leaves again. He gets a 10 day break, then he either is deployed or goes to school.
I just don't know if I can do this anymore. I do not want to go back to the hospital, though. I spend a week in there, twice in the same month so two weeks total, and it was horrible. You can't do anything without being watched. I couldn't sit in my room without someone coming in every 5 minutes.
I just don't know how much more I can take. I feed my fire too by specifically reading the triggering posts or looking at pictures. I am fucked up in the head and I don't know how to save myself.
All I know is, I am not telling my mom. I did that once by telling her that I need to go into the hospital (the second time. First time, I was forced there by my therapist), and she said I'm using it as an escape, when I needed to go, or else I would have killed myself. I had already cut myself all over my arm, but I guess that wasn't important enough.
I am just sick of dealing with this day-to-day shit. I am sick of school, fucking people on the street, being torn apart verbally by people that I thought were my friends, and countless other things. I am about ready to give up. The only thing keeping me here is my boyfriend and my best friend, but she is down in Tennessee for the rest of the month. I want to pack up with them and leave the state and not come back.
I want to throw away my life. I really don't care anymore.
Whoever is reading this (if anyone is), thanks for listening (reading?) to me vent.
Posted in Recovery
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  1. Old Comment
    Hopeyyy's Avatar
    I love you, it'll be okay!
    Posted September 28th 2011 at 03:45 AM by Hopeyyy Hopeyyy is offline
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