Yaaaay, it's the new year! Unfortunately I've been too busy to come online the last few days. I hope you guys didn't party too hard on New Year's Eve.

I partied with Jon and his family, and it was nice. They had a big fire in the backyard and we made smores! Unfortunately there wasn't enough chocolate for everyone because he has such a big family, so Jon managed to grab the last of the chocolate and he gave me half of his. After that we went over to where his brother was...

So it's New Year, obviously. And I have some things I want to do this year:

• Pass my driving test.
• Move out.
• Eat better.
• Be happy with myself

So, simple enough resolutions but all are time consuming which is why I don't have more than that. And I'm doing well so far.
I've booked a couple of (very cheap) driving lessons with the AA to get a second opinion on how I'm doing. My last instructor has given me over 30 lessons over the course of 10 months. According to her, I'm nowhere...

I don't know what to do anymore... I'm so depressed, I can't feel better, I don't find joy in anything I used to really love.. Everything just seems to get worse and worse and its making such an impact on me... I'm on medication, but its not helping anymore... And it feels like I have no purpose or need to be here and that the entire world would just be better off without me...

Went to pharmacy, picked up meds.
Went to supermarket, bought a loaf of bread.
Bread has gone up 10c. Lame.

Just standing outside having a smoke just now, thinking to myself -

What if I'm not actually unwell? What if I really just want attention? What if I'm not actually suicidal, I just want somebody else to take care of me? I don't know man. I get really depressed, but is that real? I get massive urges to do stuff, but doesn't everybody? I'm really

...

Having such a bad time lately, family and friends stressing me out. no one talks to me properly anymore, it's either to have a go at me or moan about someone or something.

I feel so alone and worthless

People say i'm strong but i know i'm not, I'm breaking but no ones around to notice

Well, it's very broken sleep, and I'm tired all day. I've been having afternoon naps, where I fall asleep just enough to have those weird dreams where you're not entirely sure if you're dreaming or not (my mind likes to tell me I'm in different houses, for some reason), and then you wake up. Gives me maybe an hour extra sleep on top of what I'm getting at night, and I have no idea how much that is, I just know I wake up a lot.

I saw my probation officer today. She didn't ask many...

I'm not strong enough, it's too hard.
I really need this, I don't think tonight is going to be a good one :/

Stupid stupid stupid, need this

So, the nights have cooled down somewhat (think 17 - 20 degrees instead of 21 - 24 degrees), and I've actually been sleeping. Admittedly it's very broken sleep, but it's a hell of a lot better than not sleeping at all. Last night was also one of those nights with too hot, too cold, and so forth - my flatmate had the same problem so it was definitely the weather and not just me.

My left arm really aches. Yesterday whilst fetching a drawing pin to hang my new calendar, I happened to...

alright, well lately i've been feeling more worthless than usual and it's really starting to take it's toll.

my aunty has been more and dissapointed in me because this isn't my last year of highschool and although it should be, it isn't. its just been so hard this year

my grandpa passed away over the summer and that really threw my whole family through a loop, especially my aunty.

my grandpa was the chief of our band, he managed the whole entire reservation...

Congratulate me, I haven't been arrested or detained or had any contact with the police.

I went for a walk last night, but bearing in mind that I want my license back, I deliberately didn't do anything to get noticed. Sure I sat in a cemetery and SH'd, but it wasn't bad, because I realised I didn't have any tissues and didn't want to ruin my shirt. I sat longer waiting for it to dry before walking home, and whilst I was waiting I got to watch a hedgehog for a while. Hedgehogs are...