well still in here i might be able to leave in a week im actually smiling for real now but im scared to leave im scared im might have thomas thoughts again cause i get overwhelmed easily i'm also scared about otherwise things once i get out of here

Anger. It washes over me, soaking me in fear and drenching me in knowledge of my ultimate failure. The small plastic bags hangs slightly open. I hear the door to the garage open, and then fall shut again. The footsteps slowly and lazily make their way towards me.
"what are you doing?" the voice asks. For a second, I wonder. What AM i doing?! But my head realizes that I'm acting insane... My mind tranced in its own maze of fear and adrenaline.
I look up. "nothing."...

wow, that's all i can say. i just never thought this day would come the day in which i'm out to the world. i just can't believe it it is just so insane.
i just got a text from my dad want to hear what it said. k here i goes
i love you as my daughter, son or transgender as hetero, homo or bisexual. i only want you to become a happy, healthy, responsible and produttive adult.
as i type this i can't stop crying yes i'm a boy now but that don't mean i can't cry. it just feels...

it's kinda as if indigo is dead as if she died and i'm standing in her place. it's kinda weird now but i like it. it's as if everyone is mourning the death of indigo even me, but at the same time it's good cuz Xander is a better person then indigo could ever be. as i was watching my hair fall of my head it felt as if i was being reborn and as if this time i was born right. each chunk of hair a peice of me i no longer felt i needed to hold on to. live was good as a girl but life as a boy is the best...

damn... wow there are no words for how amazing i feel right now. i can't believe this! i feel wonderful and almost whole right now i have told everyone except for my dad and friends. i am just so happy i can't even dicribe how happy i am that my moms and my brother acept me my older brother is having trouble but i cna't excpect them to get this right off the bat. wow i just can't stop smiling it just feels so good to have my mom call me he. i chose my new name today it's alexander so if u want u...

Well in the pysch ward it sucks here im on suicide watch i have like no freedom i am in therapy most of the day. i need to be here

I can't continue living like this... There is no point living... The past week has been my hardest in a long time and I just want to give up. I'm barely getting 3 hours of sleep and I just want to go into a permanent eternal slumber. Not like anyone would miss me for more than a few days... Most of the people that tell me to continue and move forward, they know what it's like to feel like I do... You know how much I want to give up, how much I want to hurt myself, how much I just don't want to continue,...

For those of you who are interested (or who follow my blog), I'm currently in hospital. And doing better.

I've been put on quetiapine and I'm only allowed off-ward with a staff escort.

I should be out within the next 7 - 10 days.

Happy posting, I'll write more then.

For the past couple of days each and every time someone says she, her,or girl I cringe. Forcing my voice to sound normal I answer them but what I really want to do is scream at them that I'm not a she or a her hell I'm not even a girl. I'm a boy just a normal bisexual male. I can't wait for Tuesday so I can get this feeling to stop, but at the same time I'm dreading it the anxiety is eatting away at my soul. I'm still having the dreams and each morning its harder and harder to make myself get out...

Not pregnant!
Well, I have another test to take when I get back from my trip, just in case I messed up the dates and it was too early for the test. But I'm pretty sure I haven't.

Gonna be at the air port at 5am tomorrow morning. I'm so scared. I'm kind of excited. But I'm more scared. Because he'll be there and I thought maybe we could be civil or even friendly just for the trip but now I know that he actually hates me. :s

I'm going to miss my guinea pig....