OKay so here is my blog for the day, i see i really haven't posted in a while., For any one who has read my blog before there is a new change for me. I promised myself to be more positive this year so i am going to try. Its the first key to improving the self esteem.

Anyway So the guy i got together with in october, turned out to be a dud, he left and hasn't gotten back to me and its been over a month now. I am not the girl to sit around and wait, its not me. I realized tho that really...

Today I danced in the rain. Today I felt free. I'm not a beautiful girl. I'm not the most liked girl. I'm too sassy and odd for that. But today I took a walk and the rain fell as I wandered aimlessly around the RV park listening to David Arkenstone and I felt....every bad feeling wash away. All of my scars disappeared and I felt...Clean. Whole. Like I truly could start over and every thing would be okay.


I'm an ex-self harmer, three years free of that demon. But I realize...I...

Ugh I'm so tired. Ashley told me last night she still loves me, that didn't help matters... I got no sleep because of this. I have only had a small bowl of shreeded wheat with 1/3 milk and 2/3 water... I'm skipping lunch, and probably having very limitted dinner, hopefully without purging again unlike last night... I'm so dizzy and tired and it's driving me insane.. I still have some control, so I'm using it the best I can. But I can feel ana/mia, whatever taking over really fast... I can't tell...

Woke up at eight this morning, you know, the time I usually leave for my bus. Alarm went off at seven and yet again, while still asleep, I managed to turn it off and sleep an extra hour. This can't go on.
I went back to my usual thing of changing "My Number" on my phone to one of my friends and sending myself a text saying I didnt have to be in till half ten.
This can't keep happening like this. I've missed so much because I wake up feeling so negative that I just don't think...

...

I don't feel well... I haven't eaten much yet today, and don't plan to either... Yesterday I had almost nothing as well... I thought this was over... I think I'm going to go lay down, my head hurts and throat is stinging... I won't tell anyone, mainly because no one listens. I've tried before, back when I was really bad and needed hospitalization, and no one even noticed... So that's fine, I know what not to do so whatever. I just want to lose a few, after weighing in, that kind of shocked me, so...

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Okay, so I've been trapped in a really bad cyber relationship. The guy is-was- a controlling, mentally unstable IDJIT, and well...yeah. I think I've been put off dating for a while. Ugh...

Dating in general, I think, is totally pointless until you're a senior in high school. Sure it's fun to flirt and tease, but really. You are completely dependant on your parents for rides, money, ect. Come on!

(Confession time- I've never been on a date before, had my first kiss, or...

The past 4 days have been like from a dream.
A perfect, beautiful, most amazing dream.

Wednesday, Rie decided to fill my bra with Haribo, while I was wearing it, and put a condom on one of the bats hanging above my bed.





Thursday, we went into Glasgow and saw a vibrating duck and fake...

So, I found out that I will not be able to play any instrument for a pretty long amount of time... I have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.... Mmhmm... 15 and has Carpal Tunnel. How awesome is that?... NOT....