Holidays are my EDs dominant and most powerful trigger and usually on holidays I can't relax or enjoy myself at all and am very antsy and panicky and uptight mostly because holidays mean food and eating in front of others and there being alot of tempting food .

So I am nervous and scared about upcoming Xmas and not sure how I will be dealing with having to eat more in front of my entire family and ESP since I'm on exercise restriction and that's my number 2 big stressor recently ...

One of the things for work I need is a doc satement my supervisor an others are worried about my health and don't want me to overdo anything and for safety reasons.

I have to have it in soon or I could be fired which is not a good thing so stressed with makin that work out number 1 stressor recently and it also makes me nervous so that's why I use ED so strongly to cope.


As ED is my coping method for so long andafter eating I usually exercise to calm down...

Ok I must admit I'm kinda a fail eater so this blog will be quite short. All I had today was a microwave pizza. I usually only eat once a day, sometimes I might make something later at night if I get hungry. ummm I can't really think of anything else to say. sooo baaaai

I can't stand to keep fighting my ED it has so much power over me and I feel like I'm drowning
In pain while ED laughs and gleeful im hurting An no control powerless sighs


Ed hates me and wants me dead tells me that is the way to to be thin is is the greatest way to be
And all. I'm not able to get rid of my Ed on my own I feel so powerless and helpless while Ed laughs laughs and says it won't ever let me go and it will destroy me as a mission

My best friend...Is Kate. She was able to be my friend when I was a Freshmen in high school, and we're still friends now. We are about 2 years and 4 months apart, but we still are together. She's been able to take me into her home with her loving family and take care of me when I ran from my own home, or would like a little break from reality. She never judges me, and I can easily get along with her. She has her own problems, and I respect that, and I try and talk to her and hang out with her as...

Lol o dear. What a topic. hahaha

While they are my parents, sometimes I really wish I could just get away for them for a very extended period of time. My mother especially used to be very overprotective and that really pissed me off at times. It got so bad that when I turned 18 I basically cut her out of my life for awhile.

My dad was never as bad. He always treated me like an adult and that was part of the reason I got along better with him I think.

My dad...

I had a pretty okay morning and school day. I got home, it was going great. I was talking to my boyfriend, and took a shower, was surfing the web...

Then I heard screaming in my moms room. My brother did something to her computer by accident, and her screen went blank. She told him she hated him, and then asked me to go in there and fix her computer. I told her she should apologize for saying she hated my brother, and she then proceeded to yell at me, and tell me I can't tell her...

everything i do is just so stupid. i cant make anyone happy , everything i do its all blah and i always make mistakes in peoples eyes. mostly my fathers and i dont understand why.
i hate how i do this and i dont understand how i can make a happy person into a sad , miserable person.. /:
i reallly hate this , just by posting some of these blogs i know that im probly making someone sad..
i just hate thiis feeling i have ...

im never hungry.
i eat like one if even that a day.
i wont eat for days at a time. i hate food, its the most nasty-ist thing in this world i think. i eat. ill randomly get hungry maybe if anything only once a week and that'll be it. my stepmom says im getting too skinny again. some of my close that had fit me perfect before are bigger on me. i weigh at like [Edited]. people say im way to underweight. but yet, i think im huge, i want to weigh atleast [Edited]. i've told people this...

Hmm my first love huh? Well the first person I can say that I truly loved was my best friend Maddie. She was also the person that I loved the longest.

I honestly used to think that we would end up together. We would spend hours on the phone every day and night talking. And even when there was nothing to say we'd just laugh at our own little inside jokes.

There was no one that knew me better then her, no one that could make me smile when all I wanted to do scream; and there...