I wonder why people feel like this. This... uneasy feeling. Tightness in the chest. Tears rolling down faces.

I wonder what causes people to doubt reality.

I doubt reality. At this moment, I wonder why I even have friends. Why I have my amazing boyfriend. And these things are but a few of my doubts. Do my friends really care? Does my boyfriend really love me?

Wait, maybe it isn't reality I doubt. Is it me?

Story time.

So...

I'm scared about "coming out" to my family about my religion. See, I'm Pagan and currently am concerned about how I should tell my family this. They are spiritual, but not religious, so I'm just concerned because they might take me not having the same beliefs as being disobedient . I plan on talking to them after school today. I'm nervous.

And just a side note, my boyfriend got his car! Now I am a step closer to meeting his grandparents.

Oh my GOD. I can't handle being the one person that my parents do not trust. Literally I've been raped and abused and bullied and all I have done is try to make myself happy in every way possible and I get looked down upon. Who can I even turn to now? I should just end it I guess. I'm tired of not getting any personal space or getting in pathetic fights with every person. I just want to curl up and cry. Like one of my favorite songs say; "Maybe I should cut myself or curl up and die."...

Everything is PISSING ME OFF! I feel like I'm a fucking bother and that I should just disappear. I mean, whatever. I don't know how to feel today. I can't cut because I don't want to be sent to Rivercrest again, so all I have is me just crying my fucking eyes out for no reason.
I'm tired, I'm in pain, and for the first time in like ever I'm pissed that my boyfriend won't text me back right away. I know I shouldn't be mad because he is with family and has his own life, but damnit I just want...

I swear, I have absolutely no control in my life. I know that some things I do aren't right or whatever, but I just want the freedom of being who I want to be or not being seen as some fragile doll who can't figure out right from wrong. I'm not oblivious, nor am I 6 years old anymore.
I don't want to make a thread about how I feel simply because I feel I post to much to begin with. I feel like my problems have to be considered "big" to be seen as a problem to others. My mom thinks...

So an update on my life, I am taken by the love of my life, and I wear he makes me feel like no other. He is making a playlist for us and he walks to the high school to see me EVERY DAY! I swear, sometimes love can be found in the most mysterious ways.

Next is my brother broke his braces during football, but he is so talented and although he is skinny, he sure does know how to tackle.

And now my sister... I've been trying to contact her for so long and she has yet to...

I've told many of my friends that I'm done with serious relationships. They have done nothing but bring heartache and pain into my life. I've quit looking for serious things and now I just want a fling or two. I know... this sounds terrible, but it is now scary to think of being serious with someone. I mean, I could pour out my heart and soul to one person, then they go and shatter them.

Being vulnerable is such a terrifying thing. I've been vulnerable to so many people that they...

Ugh. Sometimes High School can be a pain in the butt. It is barely the what, 5th day of school and I already have a lot on my plate. First my "best friend" asked me out, then goes and breaks up with me because his dad threatened to come up to the school and do it himself, then I find out that he is talking to other girls. Like, what happened to "I love you" and "I wanna hold you until we grow old together." Like, come on! Don't say things to definitely do not mean....

Today is food day for most of the students in school. In World Geography, we are studying Asia. Last semester we studied the region around South America. We also had a food day. I made frijoles (beans), since my country was Mexico. They were really good in my opinion, but no one ate them, which kind of sucked.
Today I made Beef Stir Fry, since the country I was assigned is China. I'm excited because it is super yummy, but kind of worried that no one will like it and that I will be left with...

Oof.
Um... So yeah, first blog entry. I don't really know what to put.
Well, a few of the volunteers said that blogging could be a way for me to express how I feel since I am limited on where to write/post.

Today I feel okay. I saw him today and gave him a note, which made me happy. He held my hand tightly and that gave me butterflies. I had to leave to get to class, though. I self-harmed again.
I wish I didn't, but I did. Last night and this morning. I hope...