the one thing I don't like about men

[little_butterfly]

First let me say that I am sorry for anybody who has gone through any kind of abuse. My abuse is barely a pin drop compared to others, but it still affects me.

I know every girl has gone though this and that is guys grabbing us without our permission. Concerts, especially mosh pits, have been a problem for me from the beginning. I was 13 and at a concert in Anahiem when some guy ended up grabbing my barely there boobs from behind. Looked around and did not know who it was. Ended up just walking out of that mosh pit and finding some seat in the back row. And EVERY SINGLE TIME I have been in a mosh pit I have had guys grab me! I want to have my fun and enjoy the night and before I know it some guy is grabbing me.

The other thing I don't like about men is how they look at me when I am at the gym. I am ***16 YEARS OLD*** but I always get some older guy that looks at me at some point during my workout. I even switched gyms one time because I would see the same guys constantly and yet the other gym had the same problem just different guys. I even had one guy take photos of me with his cell phone!!!

And I know my abuse is not like others and I know some people will wonder why I am bothered by this but all I can say is that this abuse DOES bother me.

[cynefin]

Hi Olivia,

It is good you posted this. Hopefully writing about it helped! Know that your experiences matter and you deserve to be supported just as much as anyone else does. Everyone's life experiences are so different, no true comparison can really be drawn because of that. Comparisons tend to hurt; it might help if you try to stop making them if you feel up to it. At the end of the day, you matter. What you feel and lived through matters.

It's completely understandable to be bothered by this. A lot of people would be. Do you have any friends who like to work out? If you do, you could try going to the gym together. It can be a nice distraction to have your friend around and a cool way of spending time together as well.

You deserve to be able to go out, whether it's to the gym or a concert, and feel safe. You should be able to do those things without being groped or gawked at. Maybe someone else on the site will come stop by with additional thoughts to share. In the meantime, know we're here for you whenever.

[Heathen]

It's truly messed up but yes, you're right, many women experience non-consensual groping or touch at some point in their lives. Your experience is valid and just because it doesn't seem as "bad" as what others go through doesn't mean it hasn't deeply affected you. I, too, would suggest you stop drawing comparisons. The things that cause us pain, cause us pain. This hurt you and it's not right.

I can't give you one sure-all way to make sure this doesn't happen. I remember mosh pits as a teen and that's kind of just what happens when you're in one. It's messed up but it's hard to pinpoint who is groping you and so you cannot really be assertive in setting boundaries/telling someone what they did was not okay. I think if you want to be in the mosh pit you may have to assess the risk that someone will grope you. I know it's horrible to say that, but with so many bodies all thrashing in one place you just can't single someone out for the most part. If it happens I would suggest taking a break from the mosh pit like you did the first time and seeking support from your friends, or maybe on here. Even though that's kind of just the "way" or things it doesn't make it okay and you deserve to feel safe and supported.

As for the gym, if you feel comfortable I think you can be more direct. You are a minor and you could definitely get the staff of the gym involved if you needed to. An adult male should not be taking pictures of a minor at the gym (although really no one should take pictures of anyone at the gym). You can tell him to stop and erase the pictures, or to please stop interfering with your workout. I think the idea of working out with a friend or taking a class is a good one, too. Working out in groups can be even more motivating and fun. If all else fails, consult the staff. You deserve to have a safe space to workout.

Ideally the world would be a safe place for women but it's often not, not in our current climate. But progress is being made. People are becoming more aware, more informed, and stronger advocates against this sort of casual touching behavior. You always have a right to speak up if you feel safe, and talk to your friends. They can have your back, too.

[Melancholia.]

First of all, let me address what you say at the beginning of your post. You say what you've gone through is barely a pin-drop in comparison to the trauma others have gone through. This is an absolute BS statement. As Cynefin said, everyone has different experiences and what traumatizes us—no matter how "big" or "little" it may seem—is still valid no matter what. What you've gone through is just as valid as anything else because it has upest and traumatized you. Stop comparing your trauma and experiences to other; you're only hurting yourself.

I think Cynefin and Jordan have already given good advice and ideas. I want to say that I've never gone to any sort of unpredictable crowd gathering—such as a mosh pit—for that exact reason. When you're surrounded by hundreds of people in such a crowded space, lots of noise and commotion, you have no idea what's going to happen when. I think if you do want to go to a concert again, go with some friends and have a safe/code word to use when you are feeling uncomfortable. That way, you can all withdraw until the moment passes. You might miss important moments or a song you love, but you and your mental well-being matters more.

The next time someone is creeping on you at the gym or wants to take a picture, I suggest reporting it to the manager or whoever is working there at the time. Unfortunately, we live in a world where women—even those under the age of consent—are objectified by men who have no respect for the opposite sex. What you can do is stand up for yourself, speak up for others, and advocate for the women in your life including yourself. No woman should have to stop doing something they love because men can't control themselves.

Best of luck, feel free to reach out again if you need to.

[Rivière]

I'm grateful to never have had a random guy grab me. I honestly don't know how I'd react if it does happen. Given that I'm quite vocal about things I dislike, I'd probably do that.

In relation to the gym, I can completely relate. I've been working out at the gym for over 3 years now. I go every week. I've seen all sorts of things happen whilst I've been there, and the men end up acting quite differently when there's a female present. I don't know if anyone's taken pictures of me though. If they have, they were either very discreet, or I was way into my workout to notice.

Sometimes I've had it where there are several unused benches in a row. A guy could have picked any one of those benches but ends up selecting the one right next to me. Another time I was busy doing walking lunges when a guy decided to walk all the way to the tricep dip area near me (even though there was one unused by the entrance) and starts dipping away. As soon as I'd finished my 60 second rest and started doing my lunges across the room again, he stops and starts doing super heavy hammer curls (with really bad form) whilst constantly checking his surroundings. When I lunge back to my starting position, woosh, he's back on tricep dips. I made the mistake of making eye contact with him and he smiled at me. As soon as I ignored him, he left moments later. A few days later the same guy comes back, I was on bench press near the dip machine by the entrance. He could have used the same one as he did last time since it was free, but oh no, he starts working out next to me. Brings weights over and starts doing curls there too. 5 minutes later he leaves. Ok then...

More recently I was doing some light-weight cable rows when a couple of what looked to be teenagers were on the cable machine adjacent to me. One had the weight so high he couldn't even bicep curl properly and the other was constantly half repping whilst looking over to see if I was checking him out. I think he forgot peripheral vision exists.

All in all, it's unfortunate thing that happens at gyms around the world. If you see/suspect someone taking pictures of you, don't approach them, but report it to the manager or person in charge for the day. You have a right to be respected!

[little_butterfly]

I have had my boyfriend join me for my last few visits to the gym, and to my amazement NONE of the guys look at me, lol! I guess it helps on having a nice good looking muscular guy around

As for concerts I am not sure what I will be doing differently. Yes, the boyfriend will be around if possible, but I still plan on jumping in that mosh pit and having some contusion before I am finished.

[gjoiiks]

It is good you posted this. Hopefully writing about it helped! Know that your experiences matter and you deserve to be supported just as much as anyone else does. Everyone's life experiences are so different, no true comparison can really be drawn because of that. Comparisons tend to hurt; it might help if you try to stop making them if you feel up to it. At the end of the day, you matter. What you feel and lived through matters.

[HowardWow2020]

Dont keep to yourself. But not everyone is like that, remember that!
We are with you: '(

[Mallika]

Hi Olivia,

I want to start off by saying that you're absolutely justified to feel the way you're feeling. It sucks so much to feel objectified. And as much as there are people out there who are suffering abuse on worser scales, that does not nullify what you're going through.

Unfortunately, the society we live in loves to objectify women. Almost every woman I've met has been inappropriately touched at some point or the other, even during the most ordinary of circumstances, such as while travelling in a train. Including myself. Even some of my own relatives have made me feel really uncomfortable. It's horrible.

Now, a roommate of mine once told me about how she would directly call out the "aggressors". She'd directly fire at the catcalling guys in the streets, asking them, "What the hell are you trying to do?" It takes guts to that, of course, and not everybody is that bold. But you can respond bravely in your own way. If you notice that someone is continuously staring at you, glare right back at them - they should look away. If you noticed that someone took a picture of you - you should go up to him and ask him about it. Don't be afraid - if they have the audacity to stare at you, you have every right to snap back at them. It comes with practise; it might be difficult the first couple of times to confront them, but eventually you'll get accustomed to doing this. And hopefully the same guy doesn't repeat his mistake twice.

As for concerts, I know it's quite tough to compromise on the mosh pit. But it's also hard to pinpoint who exactly groped you. If you're going to be in a crowd, it comes with the unfortunate risk of molestation and groping. So if you want to be safe, perhaps you might want to book a seat instead, so that you can sit and watch the concert? I understand that the mosh pits are quite cheap and way more fun, but you can usually get seats that come at a good price with a decent view. I've always sat at all the concerts I've attended (and yes, they've been high-energy concerts), and I've had great fun without all that jostling and pushing.

Take care, and I hope you don't have to go through more of these uncomfortable situations!!