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Rape and Abuse If you or someone you know is being abused in any way and you need support or advice, don't hesitate to reach out to us here.

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Question is this rape?? - October 12th 2010, 03:05 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Um,,, is it rape if you consent to vaginal sex but then during the sex, the guy goes completely anal after you've said in the past that you werent into that sort of thing, but he just shoved it up there anyway?? I told him to stop and after a forth thrust into me he stopped, but the damage had already been done... it ripped a bit of my ass, and it bled and hurt for days.. Is this rape?
   
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Re: is this rape?? - October 12th 2010, 03:12 AM

Yep, because it was unconsensual.
   
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Re: is this rape?? - October 12th 2010, 03:14 AM

Yeah, that would be considered rape. Anything done without consent is considered rape.
   
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Re: is this rape?? - October 12th 2010, 03:37 AM

O.O what is there I can do about it?
   
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Re: is this rape?? - October 12th 2010, 03:46 AM

You can report him to the police, if you feel its necessary. Police statistics are often skewed because not enough women report sexual abuse. Also as much as I hate to take the 'panic' approach to things, the guy may become worse and lose control later after he has been told 'no' too many times and I would hate for you to risk that to yourself and would hate for him to do it to others.
   
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Re: is this rape?? - October 12th 2010, 03:50 AM

This happened months ago.. there is no evidence... and I've just been sooo in denial about it.. and one of my friends said it wasnt and that I was a whore for agreeing to it
   
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Re: is this rape?? - October 12th 2010, 03:56 AM

If you made it clear you did not want to do it then it was rape. There are always going to be people who won't believe your story or will try and blame you but don't let that stop you. You know what happened so don't let anyone elses behavior hurt you.

I would suggest you look into finding support for this. If you can't go to your friends then I would look into professional support. Find some support groups, get into therapy etc. I know it might be hard to do but it will help immensely with the healing process. Also, if you seek help from professionals they can give you some information about how the reporting process would work etc. There are also organizations that will help people through the reporting etc. By seeking help a counselor might be able to direct you to one of these places. There is help out there so don't be afraid to seek it.

Remember you did absolutely nothing wrong! I hope this helped and if you ever want to chat feel free to pm me.


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Re: is this rape?? - October 12th 2010, 04:06 AM

i havent told my parents thats the thing... and I cant tell them...

I might be getting emancipated anyway so it would only be a hinderance if I told anybody
   
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Re: is this rape?? - October 12th 2010, 04:24 AM

Keeping it all inside won't help either. If you don't want to speak to a professional are there any other people you could confide in? I know that it can be hard but you deserve to get through this and heal. If you can't find anyone in real life to talk to then continue using this site. If you ever want to chat I am here. Sorry I can't be of more help...


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Re: is this rape?? - October 12th 2010, 04:42 AM

what your doing is fine... its enough... I guess there is a few people i can trust... that I can confide in... its just weird... i mean i dont know how I would go about telling people... its not something you just randomly throw out there in a conversation
   
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Re: is this rape?? - October 12th 2010, 04:50 AM

Well, it is hard to tell people, I will admit that. It isn't something you just randomly bring up. I would suggest you sit down with the person or people you want to tell and say ''I have something I really need to tell you....''. Of course you can start it off differently but just let them know that you need to talk to them about some important things and go from there. Something I did when I wanted to confide some important things to a friend was send them a message saying ''I really need a friend, do you think we could meet some time and talk?'' With that I let him know I needed to talk about something important and we were able to set up a date. Doing that took some of the pressure off of the situation because I knew my friend already knew I was struggling. Bring it up in a way that feels comfortable to you. If you want write a letter explaining what happened. It is all about being comfortable. Of course there is no way to feel 100% comfortable when confiding something like this but there are certain things that can make it easier, you know?


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Re: is this rape?? - October 12th 2010, 04:57 AM

I didnt want to think about it for a long time.. and i was wondering lately if it was... and thats why i posted and now its like just hitting me... and I feel weird...

some say it isnt rape cuz I consented to regular sex, and that he just stuck it in my ass, and that it happens....

I know it wasnt right... but was i in the wrong at all??
   
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Re: is this rape?? - October 12th 2010, 06:53 AM

You definitely weren't in the wrong at all. You made it clear that you were not into that, and then when he did it you told him to stop. It isn't your fault at all.



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Re: is this rape?? - October 12th 2010, 07:56 AM

Quote:
In criminal law, rape is an assault by a person involving sexual intercourse with another person without that person's consent
According to this definition I think that technically it wasn't actually rape, as you did consent to intercourse.
Though, you say you consented to vaginal intercourse but did you actually tell him that before hand?
   
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Re: is this rape?? - October 12th 2010, 08:53 PM

Hey there,

If you made your limits clear to him before you began to engage in sexual activity, OR if you at any point during told him to stop and he did not, that would be considered sexual assault.

I do not know how far you would get in reporting this, since you admittedly consented to sexual activity. HOWEVER, this does NOT mean that what he did was okay. The law may not recognize it, but what he did was wrong. You are not at all to blame for this.

If you ever need to talk about anything, please feel free to send me a PM. Take care.


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Re: is this rape?? - October 13th 2010, 02:28 AM

First off, you absolutely weren't in the wrong in any way, and anyone who would tell you that you did something wrong because he slipped it in the back is an idiot, to be blunt.

Secondly, I speak from experience (embarrassed?) when I say that sometimes when you are having sex with a guy from behind that it accidentally happens; sometimes they "don't realize" that they've missed their proper target.

That being said, you asked him to stop and it took multiple asks for him to actually stop so while you may have difficulty in proving it to be rape if you were to press charges because it happened in the middle of consensual sex, he still acted repugnantly. In the eyes of the law, you have the right to say stop at any time even when its started off consensual, it's just trickier to prove.

In some states, you could actually consider it to be assault because even if you are having consensual sex with someone and they get rougher with you than you are comfortable with and ask them to stop, and they don't, you can press charges.

All in all, you have no reason to feel guilty because you didn't do anything wrong.

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Re: is this rape?? - October 13th 2010, 09:34 AM

Plus isn't it illegal to have anal intercourse unless you are 18?

I heard something like that
   
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Re: is this rape?? - October 13th 2010, 12:01 PM

I'm sorry that this has upset you so much, and it definitely wasn't your fault.

However, I don't believe this was rape. Even though you had told him earlier, is it possible that he had forgotten or was just caught up in the moment? Of course that is no excuse, but when you asked him to stop he stopped.

Again, it was terrible you went through that but it seems to me that it was an unfortunate misunderstanding and when you made your wishes clear he stopped. Is it worth ruining his life over? Not to be harsh but if you do go to the police you probably won't get anywhere because you consented to having sex originally and because he stopped. You would put yourself through a lot of emotional trauma where people would unfairly question your character.

You should DEFINITELY talk this through with someone though.


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Re: is this rape?? - October 15th 2010, 02:40 AM

I'm not going to the police, I never said I was going to... I didnt consent to anal at all. I said no. I consented to vaginal sex. That is all. and to be perfectly honest, this has affected me to the point where people cant stand directly behind me, and unless I trust someone, (which is rare) they're allowed to hug me from behind... This has really messed me up....
   
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Re: is this rape?? - October 25th 2010, 12:26 AM

Yeah. this would be rape.
you didn't consent to it.
   
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Re: is this rape?? - October 25th 2010, 02:05 AM

Hey there, Rachel.

I do think what happened to you was rape. You told him in the past that you did not want to participate in anal sex and he chose to ignore what you wanted. It's not your fault at all.

I also think the important thing in this situation, though, is how you feel. Everyone is going to have different opinions, but you were the one that was there and you were the one that was hurt.

Have you considered talking with a counselor about what you're going through? It can be really helpful in dealing with what happened and coping with the feelings after. There are some free services out there that shouldn't require you to talk to your parents if you don't want to. RAINN has centers throughout the US - this link should help you find out if there is one near you.

I hope you're doing okay right now. Be good to yourself and you can PM me anytime if you want to talk.
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