how to keep my family happy

[FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""][FONT=""][COLOR=""][SIZE=""]my family has been pretty tense lately. we've often had arguments that can leave everyone in a bad mood for a day or too but recently i feel like it's been worse than usual. i think the root cause of the issue is my sister and i. we are 17 and 14 and, to be honest, are a little bit immature. my mother recently started working full time 6 months ago and our home life has changed quite a bit since she has been a full time housewife since i was born. due to this my sister and i aren't as independent as other kids our age. since she started working we've been taking it in turns to sort out the dishwasher before she gets home and cook dinner twice a week. it's a pretty simple job but more often than not we'll forget to wash up one item or not completely finish a task we've been asked to do or the house will be generally untidy. i am usually good at making sure everything is done and rarely cause issues but my sister has a habit of leaving everything till last minute (i.e 15 minutes before my mother gets home) or leaving things lying around the house. this stresses her out a lot as she gets home and tasks are not finished. i try to make sure everything is finished but having to chase up my sister is a pain. my mother and my sister tend to get into arguments a lot because my sister is messing around or hasn't done what she's supposed to do. she also has to be asked multiple times to do something she should have done already. studying is also an issue as it has taken her until recently to start regularly studying for her exams next year (she often leaves revision or homework until the night before). often these arguments end with everybody in an irritable mood. when my mother gets angry and stressed, she often stays in a bad mood towards everyone including my father who hasn't done anything wrong, sometimes up to 2 days. over the last 3 or 4 months they have increased in frequency and she often says that she wishes she didn't have us as a family. before i used to think she was only saying it because she was angry but i feel more and more that she genuinely means it. she has said repeatedly that she no longer loves my sister and that she regrets wasting her life on us. i know we need to be more responsible and minimise the stress we cause but i am less organised and responsible compared to other people my age as my mother has always been doing the housework with occasional help from us. no matter the number of times my father and i talk to my sister about not causing a fuss and making sure she doesn't leave everything in a mess or causing trouble she never seems to understand and insists on pouring oil on the fire by arguing or answering back with attitude (laughing or singing when she gets told off instead of apologising for her mistakes). when we all get along it's always good fun and i hate the fact that these occasions are getting fewer and fewer. sometimes i wonder if it's just my family that is like this. i know that i am also partially responsible and that it is not all my sister but what can i do to get her to stop winding up my mother and causing unnecessary friction? she never admits it as her fault and constantly says that our parents are 'strict' or that my mother gets angry 'unreasonably' despite her constantly pushing the boundaries. how can i make our home life happier?[/size][/color][/font][/size][/color][/font]

[Ennui.]

Hey,

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this!

I think your mom is under a lot of stress from starting a new job and that may be why she says some of these things. It still doesn't make it right that she says that she wishes she didn't have a family or doesn't love your sister though. That is still really hurtful. Of course you can't force her to do this, but it may help if she sees a therapist to sort through some of what she's feeling and learns to cope better and manage her emotions.

When talking to your mom and sister, maybe use DEAR MAN, GIVE FAST technique. I'll describe it:

• Describe the problem but state the facts only. For example, "I have noticed that you don't -x (such as do the chores, study, or in the case of your mom that some hurtful things are said)."
• Express how you feel using I statements. "I feel (Emotion) when (action/event happens).
• Assert what you want. Be specific. "I would like you to start doing the dishes/taking out the trash/whatever chore you need her to do/ before mom gets home."
• Reinforce it. "The household will be a lot tense if you would start doing (Activity).
  
• Be mindful of the signals and feelings the other person is giving off.
• Appear confident in what you're saying.
• Negotiate and compromise.
  
• Be gentle and don't judge.
• Act interested in what the other person is saying.
• Validate the feelings of the other person. It doesn't mean you have to agree.
• Have an easy manner.
  
• Be fair.
• Don't apologize for feeling/thinking the way you do.
• Stick to your values.
• Be truthful and stick to stating the facts instead of judgements.

This is a technique I learned in DBT therapy to be more successful at communicating your needs. It may help with talking to your sister and your mom.

Remember that if your sister still doesn't change, there's not much you can do. You can't control the actions of other people. Similarly, only your mom can control the reactions she has towards what you and your sister do. It may help if she finds better outlets for what she feels like writing, taking a walk, or doing art. You can only control what you do as well. Maybe set reminders to do chores and household activities at certain times so you can remember, but you sound like you're doing the best you can!

Best of luck!
Dez

[Mallika]

Hello there,

Thank you for sharing this with us and I'm sorry that this has been so tough.

First of all, I don't think you should be too hard on yourself. You both are pretty young (14 and 17) and it is natural that things like housework take time. Even people in their 20s and 30s find it a challenge to muster the initiative to do housework. If anything, I think it is commendable that you and your sister have taken up responsibilities at home in terms of housework since your mother is out at work.

I genuinely don't believe your mother truly means it when she says that she wishes she didn't have you all as family. Rather, it appears that she is under a lot of stress - and that doesn't have to necessarily do with you. Remember, she has returned to work after many years of being a housewife. That can be a stressful learning curve and tough as it is. Overall, her stress could originate from other sources, and cumulatively, could lead to her saying the things she says. At your age, unfortunately, there isn't much you can do about it. You're being responsible and helping out at home as much as you can, and it seems to me that you are playing your part as a family member very well. Likewise, your sister is just 14. We truly can't expect her to be prompt with housework or even homework at her young age.

Personally, I never bothered learning how to cook or wasn't that involved with housework until I was 19 and moved away for college (when I had to do these things on my own). Now, after many years of living mostly independently, cooking and cleaning are second nature to me. Likewise, when I was in my early teens, I don't think I was as serious about my studies. But after a few years I became more dedicated to my schoolwork and am currently in grad school, hoping to do a PhD in the future. By saying all this, I'm hoping to convey that nothing is stationary. You might feel that you and your sister are inadequate currently, but in fact, you're growing every single day. Think back to a year ago - I'm willing to bet that you have learned a skill or two newly as a result of these changes in household routine. You'll eventually gain efficiency and speed of doing housework; it will not happen overnight. As I mentioned before, it is already laudable that both of you are taking up the responsibility of housework when your mother is at work. Don't sell yourself short

However, I can understand your stress and concern about this. If possible, you might want to speak to your father about this and explain everything that is going on, as well as your feelings that you have expressed here. I'm not too sure what your dynamic is with him, but if he is able to understand where you're coming from, he might be able to speak with your mother. This might be less difficult than speaking to your mom directly about this matter.

Another very important thing is - you shouldn't have to feel that the onus is on you to "make [your] home life happier." Never. You're their child - even if you're the oldest sibling. It is not in your hands to feel like you have to "fix things" at home, especially your parents' happiness. They're mature adults capable of ensuring status quo at home. A 17-year-old doesn't deserve this kind of emotional strain and tension to keep everyone else in the family happy. Remember, you do you. Focus on your duties, be it schoolwork, hobbies, or helping around the house or taking care of your sister. You're not responsible for keeping the family's happiness levels stable. Again, I'm speaking from personal experience. A teenager or adolescent should not have to feel this burden when parents should be the ones ensuring a peaceful home environment.

Take care, and please feel free to drop another message in this thread (or even PM me!) if you'd like further clarification or if you have any questions